Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[keep_going]

Q of S - Thanks again for all the feedback. I I completely agree with your assessment - everything you pointed out is true - the lack of consequences when setting boundaries, my trying to protect him and carry his burdens... All came back to bite me big time this past weekend, which turned out to be one of the most painful I have had since this nightmare started 10 months ago...

As I mentioned previously, H was supposed to get the kids on Friday night and Saturday. We DO NOT have a set visitation schedule (my fault) and we just try to work it out each weekend. Or should I say - he tells me what his plans are, and I adapt to them. At first I was ok with it because I have been trying not only to show goodwill and be flexible, but also try to get H to spend as much time with us as possible. He has really not made a concerted effort to plan things to do with the kids on the weekends and he usually prefers to either watch them at my place (our house) or agrees to do things together as a family so that he doesn't have to take care of the kids on his own.

After our original agreement for this weekend, H then decided to go see OW (it turns out it is her birthday today, so he became really keen and set about going up there no matter what). So he told me (didn't ask me), that his mom would watch the kids on Saturday morning, while I ran my 10k race and that I would then need to take over after the race.

I told him that was not ok - Saturday was my day off and that means all day, not just a couple of hrs. in the morning.
He insisted, saying that taking care of three kids under the age of 4 is too much for his mom and that I needed to do it - he was already doing me a favor by asking her. He also said she would need to watch them in my house, because his place needs to be ready to show to prospective buyers.

I told him he could not just offer my house up like that without my approval and that ultimately it was his responsibility to find care for the kids on Sat. since he was the one who was going out of town during his turn to be with them. Not my problem.

He got really mad - he said I was being inflexible due to my jealousy of OW and that I would need to deal with the kids this weekend - period.

He was counting on the fact that I love his mom and would never put his mom in the middle of our problems and that out of respect for her, I would let her come over to my place and would take over watching them after the race.
But I held my ground. I told him he was not going to bully his way out of his responsibilities and put them on me. I told him that I was tired of not having a set visitation schedule (When we have had scheduling problems in the past due to his trips or OW visits, I have tried to get him to agree on a set schedule, but it's obviously not in his best interest to do one, since he would not be able to come and go as he pleases as I have been letting him do so far).

He sent me some really angry text messages saying I had been the bully all week and a lot of other very hurtful things.

Friday evening when he came over to pick up the kids, I once again asked what he had arranged for Saturday and he said the plans had not changed. We had a HUGE fight - we both brought up all the hurt and anger we have accumulated. He said I had it easy - living in the house with the kids, with a nanny, while he was miserable, alone, living in a crappy place. (Never mind that the "crappy place" is a completely remodeled town home that he has decorated as the ultimate bachelor pad, just 4 blocks from the beach...). I told him he chose to live there and that he ultimately chose the life he has now, when he left us.

I told him that if he wanted to bully his way to get me to do what he wanted, I would have a conversation with his mom and tell her exactly why he HAD to go up north this weekend. (in other words, I threatened him to expose him with his mom). He started playing victim and then somehow he brought up how he had been thinking about coming back a lot lately, but that arguments like this one made him change his mind (!!!!). My head was spinning...

Here is why:

A couple of weeks before my S was born, he said the same thing to me after an argument - that he had been thinking about coming back. At the time, I responded calmly that he didn't have to make any hurried decisions, not to feel pressured, and we should just let things run their course, blah, blah, blah. I got really hopeful, specially thinking that our S birth, might tip the balance even further and make him decide to come back. Then 4 days after our S was born, he went to Vegas with OW and when he got back is when he told me he was in love with her and that they would pursue their R openly. At that time, I brought up the convo of him having doubts, and he said he never had given me any indication that he wanted anything with me and that he had never done anything to get my hopes up. I actually believed him and even though I ran it in my head many times, I ended up telling myself that I actually just imagined that conversation!!! That I have been under so much stress and pain that I was actually starting to make things up in my mind and that I was probably just started to lose it!!!

So here he is, just this Friday, telling me the same thing. I made sure he repeated it, so that I could understand clearly and not imagine anything. He cried, he told me he missed our friendship, etc., but that he said he was just still concerned about my anger. I cried as well. I told him that the last time he said that, I got my hopes up. I told him what I had been doing to work on my anger. I told him I felt I had made a lot of progress, but that if he is still concerned, then obviously I have a lot of work to do. He said he had noticed my progress... I did point out to him that the only thing we have been arguing about since he left, was related to OW - schedule, triggers, texting, etc. I told him that anyone in my place would probably feel angry about that, (he agreed).

And then I actually said that I would keep trying to work on it. Yes...I cannot believe I actually told him, but I did - I said I would try not to get angry about him having another W... The more I think about it, the more disgusted I feel with myself. What have I become???? I used to be a very strong, self-confident woman and I have let myself become this spineless person.

He said I needed to see a psychiatrist for my anger. I told him if that is what he needed me to do, I would do it. For the first time since he asked for the D back on Jan. 31st, I flat out asked him to give our R a chance, to work on our marriage, to come back. I cried and asked him if he would be willing to go to counseling with me - regardless of whatever happened with us, we'd want to have good communication to be good co-parents.

He finally said "can I think about it?" We hugged and he thanked me for such a great conversation. Needless to say, I went to bed feeling happy. I finally felt like there was hope! I rationalized the whole exchange as if H had actually opened the door and promised something...

Next morning, I came back from my race and H dropped off MIL and kids. (I had offered to pick them up after race, but he insisted). He was very eager to get going... I helped get car seats out of his truck. There, in plain view was the printout confirmation for his hotel in Marin county for the weekend - a beautiful, romantic place...

And just 5 minutes after he left, MIL asks me if H showed me the beautiful wood sign he had been working on for the last few weeks. That his cousin had even done some metal work for it. H had told me his cousin was doing a sign for work. But MIL told me how proud H was of his work, and that it was for a photographer friend and that he would get paid for it. I immediately knew that it was a birthday present for OW. My heart sank and she clearly saw the disappointment in my face. She said she was sorry for mentioning it and that she didn't understand why H would not show it to me - it was so beautiful.

Then it all clicked... A few days earlier he had come pick up some tools from the house that he needed "for work", he didn't want me to pick the kids up at his place that morning, etc, etc.

I then realized how he had just given me lip service the night before and used me just to get me to watch the kids this weekend and so that I would not expose his affair to his mom.

It took everything I had in me to not break down in front of MIL and tell her how this present was not just for a Friend...
But I kept my composure. I cried all weekend just thinking how used I felt and imagining their romantic weekend. Also thinking of all the time and effort he had spent on her present (he never did anything like that for me). How he had demanded that I see a Psychiatrist, yet he was not really offering to do anything to work on our R.

His actions this weekend have showed me what he really wants and the reality is that in the last 10 months, he has done nothing to indicate any interest in either coming back or working on our R.

And last night was the final nail in the coffin... He had said he was driving back on Monday AM, so when girls asked all weekend when daddy would come, I told them Monday night. He then texted me at 7:30pm last night - saying that he had started driving, but was so tired that had to pull to side of the road to take a nap (shows how much he slept all weekend). He left the lights on and battery was dead. Said his day didn't go well and that he would not make it to see kids.

I replied saying that he had told me he was leaving in the AM (pointing out to his lying) and that I had told girls he would see them tonight and how disappointed and hurt they would be. IHe responded I was right, and he was sorry. He felt terrible. I texted back "You should feel terrible. I hope it was worth it." He apologized again and said it was not worth it. I turned off my phone.

I cried all night. I think I am at the end of this road. I cannot take any more hurt and I am not strong enough to keep doing this. I need to get away from this man who has clearly shown what he now wants in his life - and that does NOT include me, and includes my children in a second priority level.

I have to protect my kids. I need to stop hurting like this so I can continue my recovery from anger and personal growth. And I cannot make any progess as long as I stay in this rollercoaster.

He has told everyone, including his mother that he is still concerned about my anger, making that the reason (or excuse) why we are not together, while he is the one causing my anger by cheating on me and being a selfish XXX. I think I am getting ready to file for D myself.

I called my church yesterday. I want to talk to a priest today. I just want to get it all off my chest and maybe get and some kind of moral affirmation? that after trying for 10 months, it is now ok to stop this hurt and move on. I know the church doesn't approve of divorce, but I just cannot keep going on like this...I HAVE NO STRENGTH LEFT and I cannot keep going on like this and be there for my kids. What kind of example and message would I be giving them? That it's ok to let a man use you and walk all over you?

One of the postings said that if my behavior makes me feel diminished, then I am a doormat. Well, I AM OFFICIALLY A DOORMAT NOW and I know I have been used. I need to change gears and act with dignity and have some self-respect now. I deserve that and my kids deserve that.

I am at peace. I have tried so hard to be a loving wife, one that a my H would be a fool to let go... Yes I have had setbacks and many arguments with H filled with hurt and anger... but it's now hurt and anger caused by HIM.

The bottom line for me now is that H has shown with his actions that he is not willing to change, work on our R or stop hurting me or our kids, so now I have to stop it. I know that only by filing for D I will get him to respect me and the kids and not take us for granted and give us his crumbs when it suits his life. It's so sad that it had to end like this. And the worst is that H truly believes he has done nothing wrong and he is just the victim of an angry wife that abused him for 13 years...