Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[Valeska19]

I know it is hard to drop that rope. It is painful when we are not ready. Your pain is palpable through this and several other recent posts. It is ok. The rope will fall when you are ready. I cannot point to the moment mine fell. It crept up upon me. There is a peace that accompanies it.

Thanks. I just feel the pressure that I should be letting go of the d@mn rope. I'm sure it's partly self-inflicted. I feel that I'll never be ready or that I won't have a peace about it. That it's a more of a "let it go and deal with it" thing. I pray to God to give me peace, but I'm impatient. It doesn't help that my whole world of friends are telling me to let go of the rope, my family is, my wife is.. why shouldn't I?

Because I love her? Because I want to be married to her? So what? Are those good enough reasons? Idk.. anymore. I know I can have those feelings and still let go.. but right now they are too connected for me.

I probably GAL as much as JB. I try to manage my expectations of her. I make an effort to change and be the best Val.. but I'm still holding on the GD rope!! I'm frustrated with myself clearly...

I don't want be someone who is waiting around 10 yrs for a person to come back. I'm afraid that could be me. That I could love w so blindly that I'm not open to reality.

I also feel like in many ways I've waited long enough but I know that is coming from a place of hurt right now. Only time will tell if its true.

“I do still love her but not more than I love myself. Despite all of the good times, our history and the vows we made to each other, she is not good for me - and I do not love myself as much when I am with her, because she doesn't love me the way that a husband should really be loved. It makes me sad that I do not believe in her ability to love me the way that I deserve and I do not believe in her ability to maintain a healthy marriage.”

Well this made me weep like a baby last night. Did it have that effect on you?

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. Use your mediator he's there to make progress. You’ll get through tomorrow. Be prepared to take a few days to process the emotions of it.

Thank you JS! I appreciate you in my life!