Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[25yearsmlc]

So, this is it? Not necessarily Val...

it's just a step towards property division and that is simply a step towards divorce. This "ends" nothing important or lasting if you don't want it to.

Thank you JS. I know it's not the end for me. I know it's a step that I must take. As for the slow changes.. I'm trying to make that ok. I've always been a fast paced girl.


You sure have been fast paced...I recall seeing your 1st post here and all I can say is you are absolutely a fast learner, but part of the reason you've grown with such alacrity is your courage.


--- This week I have been trusting God, myself, and my personal growth to allow those feelings to wash over me. To accept them and realize that they are okay to have. Just because I have them doesn't mean I will let them consume me.

^^great line


I've taken Aeo's advice and have tried to think of as many scenarios that my w will present. There are three outcomes that I think could happen.

1. She will be extremely cold to me.
2. When I start talking about the assets, she will grow extremely angry.
3. She will be pleasant and really think about splitting things fairly. She will be understanding that I do deserve 50%.

I have #3 on the table because I do believe God can change people's hearts.

He can. So if she does #3 OR eventually comes around to that option, don't assume the worst of her or dismiss postives...Maybe her heart did change and you need to give God some credit!

I just for some reason don't think it's going to happen... because I have not received any actions from w taking my feelings into consideration at all. If she would do #3, I feel it would just be so she could move on faster. I feel that if she did #3, it would be for selfish reasons.

why believe the worst of her in the face of good deeds? Why deny God his works revealed? see above...

is it b/c you fear seeing a loving action from her and the confusion that might ensue? if you were anyone else, I'd say you prefer anger but you are you. So I ask...and of course she may Not choose door number 3 but let's not assume the worst of her anyhow. What good does that do?

Regardless of whichever w chooses, my response needs to be the same "It does not reflect on me and my self worth".

^^^100% correct!

Walking in tomorrow knowing that my w will lose alot in our D is very hard for me. Although I realize that these are the consequences to her actions I've always done my best to protect her. I have sacrificed my self worth, my feelings, in all because I thought I was "loving her".

Val, you often said you both had issues and there are mutual aspects to this. Don't revise so much that you are a victim, OR that she is a monster OR that either of you must play either role. You are better than that.

you were together a long time considering the tools you both lacked. Now, YOU have more tools and insight and so YOU will love better and more wisely...

and who knows what she will do? She's not in your "jurisdiction", or "state". You are in charge of yours' and she is of hers. Keep the borders clear.


Tomorrow I will still love her, but I will also love myself. I'm not sure how to convey that to her.

this^^ does Not have to be conveyed on this day. Dividing assets is not usually when couples reflect on their r's or their growth or their love for each other. Just stay calm and

avoid ANY signs of anger for in her eyes they'll be magnified...exude Buddha like calmness...and worry about conveying your love some other time.

Don't confuse todays mission...

That by loving us equally,--- I hope God provides me with the right words. I hope he provides me the strength should those words fall on deaf ears.

lovely sentiments. Know that you can talk to her another day too Val...a better day.

I really hope there is no small talk tomorrow. It's just not healthy for me. I wish I could be healthier and handle it as just that.. but I can't. It hurts.
---- I realize that she is 2% in my life, 98% not.. but until I can see that 98% as being okay.. I should probably eliminate the 2%.

I am trying to find a loving way to say this. One that says I have not locked the door and that I care about her deeply, but her being in my life w/o being in my life is not okay for me. When/If she decides to make a commitment to invest in my life as someone she truly cares about, I will be there. Until then, I prefer she leave me alone.

Val, realistically a recon would occur after some probing motions. So, in a way you can't have all or nothing b/c it'll be nothing and it's tough to go from that to all.

Something in between would likely be needed or...what? No contact at all and then suddenly she'd know AND you'd know that it's the right time to reconcile?

You'd have to get to know each other all over again anyhow...you both are changing no doubt. So...be careful what you wish for.

And please don't see this day as the "Resolve ALL issues" day...b/c this IS a process.

let it happen in STEPS...

Today's step is a property dividing step, a legal/financial one.

As you said, She is going to lose a lot and that would sting the best of us...so That's enough to process for now, don't you think? I'm betting it is for her.


I don't want it to come off as angry and probably something that I will not say tomorrow.. but it weighs on my heart heavily.


understood...


I just kinda feel like I am worth it. I'm worth investing time into. I feel like she never fully invested into me.

You are worth it...BUT then you devolved into "stinkin' thinkin' " with the "She never loved me or "fully invested into me" stuff....don't go there. You were/are in charge of investing in YOU...and

You were m to a woman and she to you. That takes some guts and some LOVE to do...you loved each other and I'm sure there is still love remaining there too...

Don't diminish what was b/c it is no longer, or it has taken a new form.

Whether that is she actually didn't care, or she was afraid or whatever. Whatever her reasons are valid and hers alone, but does not excuse the hurt she has caused, nor does it excuse her not being able to fully commit or let go.

Val...where are you going with this? IDK what it means...but I know you are hurt...okay, vent away...

If I read this above in another sitch, I would encourage them to accept those feelings and not use them as an excuse to do any action.. but all I can think at the moment is that If I don't start seeing it in that way.. I may never move on.
when you can, explain this^^^....when you can.

For now, take a breath, trust that God will strengthen you to face whatever comes, for He will...and

know that you have LESS to lose than she does...let that empower you in a loving way - so you feel safe.

((( )))