PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[25yearsmlc]

Tad....

you wrote/said that:

"You are right I'm sure. Another poster here told me the same thing. The problem that I have with all of this is: if I "act as if" everything is ok around my W, she may think that I am ok with D. I am not."


Tad, this^^^ IS A LIE YOU and many others in your shoes, tell yourself for several reasons; some of which you don't even know.

One reason you tell yourself this lie is b/c you want her to know you are in pain. You fear "letting her off the hook", b/c you want her to be wracked with guilt about your terrible pain...(and maybe come home)

So you tell yourself she "ought" to know of this pain you carry with you 24/7....despite overwhelming evidence that it is NOT attractive to her
AND that she is NOT wracked with guilt, or if she is, long ago that guilt was converted into anger at you...
AND
despite evidence that shows it's not working...
...you still tell yourself she needs to know you hurt, so she won't be fooled...

But Tad, she won't be fooled into thinking you are okay -you've made that so clear.

There is simply NO way YOUR W will believe you are "okay" with this divorce anytime soon...

You could be publicly engaged to a Catherine Zeta Jones lookalike, who earns high 6 figures, and be buying the tuxedo for your uber cool wedding the next morning...

and your w will STILL say "you have not moved on!...."

No...she won't think you are "okay" for a very long time. I think being sad about it is simply easier for you than learning to adapt and move on.

You are used to it. AND You are resisting change.

The resistance you've shown to this whole situation is, as Angel said, unusually severe. You hold on even when you know letting go has a better chance of getting her back.

We know you got dealt a bad hand, but geez, you can still play it well.

You have 11 days of holding your head up and not dragging your tail between your legs.

11 days of NOT givng a crap if she comes to the door of the car or stands in the doorframe, OR picks her nose or walks around naked...(who cares?)

You jam so much meaning into the meaninglessness of this...

please, please stop. No more wallowing.

In 2 weeks THIS PART will be over - and she can discover that divorcing you did not magically solve all of her problems.

It ended a marriage. Now begins a new life for both of you.

A part of you already knows some things are better without her than with her but you keep resisting that fact...why? Let yourself see the upsides that do exist, and they do!

THIS poker game is the one you're in, and THIS hand is the one you have to play.

So play it and get thru these next few weeks.

As for holidays...you'd be surprised at what you can create if you lift yourself out of the pits for a break from "Stuckville"

When h missed the bulk of that first sep Christmas, we/I planned on us doing as much normal stuff as possible fot the kids on Christmas day itself so the tree was done and the presents were opened in the morning, had a nice dinner etc. IF there were two homes in one area (as opposed to h visiting us for 4 days) then we'd have split the day somehow.

BUT THEN, once h left the day after, then for the first time ever, I arranged a nice short ski trip in a ski place 3 hours away (modest but with pretty mountains of snow and a hot tub and huge flat screen TV) for me and the kids right after Christmas for 3-4 days.

And we had a blast!!

So The next year when we were planning the holidays, and h was coming for a week, our youngest said "so we're going skiing again, like always, right"?

(See how fast Kids establish "traditions" Tad? In one year, I had made a new one, and it was a good one, and we've kept it now!...)

No matter what, why don't you create at least one new FUN tradition this year?

Instead of dreading it (& making a big fat self fulfilling prophesy of misery for the boys--=UN fun)

Embrace it and create a FUN cool 3 day mini adventure...heck, even one day of skiing or an overnight somewhere would be cool.

And No reminders of the ex, AND a fun tradition of "from this day forward" event...

The other comment you made that struck me was

It's a real loss and it's like they died to us. In a sense they have.
I honestly believe that it is worse.

The reason you think it's worse for her to leave you than to have died, is that you are letting your ego get in the way.

Of course rejection feels bad, I understand that.

But to say it's worse to be rejected by her than it is to have her permanently gone forever...hmmm, not healthy...

leaving aside the angry part of that...

do you see how much you are letting the rejection by this woman affect your whole world view? It's distorted thinking on YOUR end Tad....

Your wife isn't just rejecting you -she has damaged the r's she has with her only children, the most important r's in her life

so this cannot just be about YOU, so how can her rejecting you be worse than her death?

Moreover, she is behaving in a manner that can objectively be described as "disturbed" behavior --the wild texting wars, the "gf's" from 6th grade, the accusations and blame are so extreme...yet you listen.


In short, YOUR interpretation of her behavior and comments, so wrongly empowers them, and gives them so much Undeserved validity--that it

Makes me think you took some of her crazy pills.

Don't know what else to say.

Enough Tad. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and MOVE forward man.

This part will be over soon. THEN she can breathe and look around and discover the things her blinders have kept her from seeing.

Stop trying to stop her from seeing. SHE NEEDS TO SEE...

and so do you.

Sounds like a part of you is beginning to see that not all was well with her, and that's not a bad thing to see if it's the truth.

Keep your chin UP!