PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[tadpole1025]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in a few days so I thought that I would get on here and update everyone and respond to all of the comments.

As for my w/sitch, there isn't much to report except that I go to divorce court in 11 days. W told S16 that on the day of the divorce she will be spending time with friends because she will be "happy and sad." Happy that it is all behind her, but sad because her marriage is ending.

I picked up S16 from her house on Sunday. It was uneventful. She didn't even come to the door or my car like she usually does.

From all of the reading that I've done, I believe that W has been in "replay" for about 15 months. I guess she still has some stewing to do.

As for me, I'm okay. Things are getting easier, but still aren't easy. I realized today though that I put up with a lot of crap from her in our marriage as well. I'm not saying that I was perfect, but she was a big contributor as well. She has always been so angry and has spent a lot of time yelling at me and our boys, she was moody, I spent so much time working my butt off so she could go to school for the past 15 years, she ran this place, she treated me like sh!t a lot of times and would yell for no reason and the list goes on. I'm just saying that she wasn't the "perfect wife" just like I was not the "perfect husband."

I kick myself just about everyday because of the mistakes that I made in the beginning of this mess before I knew about MLC and this website. I was about 3 months too late I guess. I wonder if I could have saved this thing.

I find myself still wanting to "convince" her or try to talk some sense into her, but I know that it is a no-no.

There is a woman at my job that has asked me out to dinner 4 times now. I've avoided it so far but......

I spent last weekend with a friend just for a change of scenery. It was nice. I see W everywhere I look in my house. I can't wait to get the hell out of here in a few months.

Tad, of all the posters in MLC, you come across as the most desperate, the most needy, the most dependent. If I, who only reads the words you have written, not seeing your face, feels that coming through your posts, what more of your W? No wonder she wants to run far, far away. I'm sorry Tad, but that is my honest to goodness impression.

Please don't apologize Angel. You are right I'm sure. Another poster here told me the same thing. The problem that I have with all of this is: if I "act as if" everything is ok around my W, she may think that I am ok with D. I am not.

I have read so much about this, and in almost all of them, the same principles apply: Do not talk, persuade, make them se reason or logic, ask for help..... because it WILL NOT WORK! The more you pressure them, guilt them, make them see how pathetic you are, how needy, how you depend on them for happiness.....

the faster they will run away from the weight of the responsibility.

I get this, but unfortunately, I made all of those mistakes in the beginning. W even told me that I drove her further away. Like I said, I wish I could have found this place sooner.

I do agree that you don't argue. But I do not agree that you agree with everything. That's not focusing on you. Not arguing is there because you can't argue with the "logic" she has. It's her reality or at least she tries to make it so. There are times when things are distorted and I see no reason to lie about it with them. To be complicit in the lies is not being true to you. Not arguing is not the same as agreeing. Validating that she feels that way and that you understand she feels that way (at the moment) is a good approach IMHO.

Agreeing with them is not the right answer in my opinion.

Thanks AJ. I will not agree, but I will also not argue.

FWIW, mine has said the exact same words. She wants to be friends and then takes steps to push me away.

I swear if this wasn't happening to us, it would almost be comical. Mine told me she wanted to be very good friends and then deletes me as a friend on FB less than two weeks later. Wow.

You might be surprised what happens when you give them what they want.

Well Drew, she is getting what she wants. I'm out of ammo. D happens next Friday and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it buddy.

Me thinks, Tad thinks too much ......

Yep. Way too much. I need to stop reacting to everything she says and does.

Let your wife go and stop spending ANY energy on what she's thinking or doing now. Do it for 90 day increments til it either changes, or it gets easier.

Thanks 25. I'm getting better at it, but still slip from time to time.

Maybe what I need to tell you is my biggest REGRET. Know what it is? That I didn't wake up more quickly to putting more energy into my own recovery and making a life for myself instead of wasting all those days and months on worrying and questioning and pining over someone who hurt me more and did more damage to me than anyone on this earth ever will. Regardless of why he did that damage or what role I played in the marital problems, I would never in a million years have wasted all that energy on anyone but him, and that's a real tragedy.

You're right Antonia. I've already spent months and months wondering and hoping that she'll come to her senses. I should be rebuilding my life. I'm finally getting there though. I'll be honest though, this has taken so much longer than I ever thought it would. I'm really dreading the holidays because we always had so much fun with each other and the boys. It was such a special time around here.

In the future should they figure their garbage out and want to return; the choice to forgive, accept, or reject their return is then ours.

I've thought about this a lot Q of S and lately I'm not so sure if I could take her back right away. It would take so much time. The damage is just so great.

It's a real loss and it's like they died to us. In a sense they have.

I honestly believe that it is worse.

He blamed me for "holding him back all these years"

I've probably heard that line about 10 times!

They are cruel. Mine is remorseless. Move. Place no value on what she says brother.

I know buddy. I don't believe ANYTHING she says. It was rough to do at first because before this mess, I could trust her with anything and not even question her.

Thanks again everyone.

The beat goes on.....

Tad