Not sure where to begin- perfectly awful weekend. I'll condense it by saying we got in a little disagreement over something D said, it escalated, he ended up cutting the weekend short and in the end he said he was going to file.
I have waffled so much during these few days, all the way from 'I don't care anymore' to 'WTH was I thinking' to 'I can't let this happen'. We ended up having a talk and decided to hold off on doing anything for the time being.
I love him so much, sometimes it takes my breath away. I believe he loves me, too. I just don't understand how two people can love each other but not find a way to work it out.
I have done a great deal of soul searching and 'digging deep' as 25 would say, and I know there are things I really need to confront in myself. I have taken the 2x4's to myself and it wasn't pretty.
He did tell me he has 'issues' that he feels are unfair to me. I don't know if this is just a WAS excuse, or a legitimate claim. He says he also has a lot of fear that I will hurt him again (Although he has never been really specific on this, I believe he is referring to my previous fighting tactics- I am stubborn and had a really bad habit of 'going for the throat' when we fought).
I have heard from H since this went down. The first were IMs that indicated he was thinking about me, then a call later to talk to D which was kind of cold.
Not sure what to do about this latest development. I am really trying to reflect on this, and I know I have been approaching some of the DB principles from the wrong angle. Need to reevaluate and focus on trying to save myself and not just my marriage.
I am so grateful for the reprieve, although I am still scared to death its temporary. My heart hurts so much right now. Its just crazy how I can go from feeling kind of hopeful to feeling so incredibly lost. Detaching is just an insane concept to me right now.
I am giving this to God, right now it is too much for me.
