Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith

[Valeska19]

Thank you JS. I know it's not the end for me. I know it's a step that I must take. As for the slow changes.. I'm trying to make that ok. I've always been a fast paced girl.

@ WAW - Yes it was summer in LA and I GALed the Sh!t out of my weekend. I'm glad you are finding my thread helpful to your own sitch. I'll catch up on it so we can perhaps continue to help each other.

Journaling - Tomorrow is the big day. I've spent much of this week in tears. Tears of mostly anger and hurt. I've desperately avoided those feelings over the past 5 months out of fear that I would never return from them. This week I have been trusting God, myself, and my personal growth to allow those feelings to wash over me. To accept them and realize that they are okay to have. Just because I have them doesn't mean I will let them consume me. I know my heart is changing.

I've taken Aeo's advice and have tried to think of as many scenarios that my w will present. There are three outcomes that I think could happen.

1. She will be extremely cold to me.
2. When I start talking about the assets, she will grow extremely angry.
3. She will be pleasant and really think about splitting things fairly. She will be understanding that I do deserve 50%.

I have #3 on the table because I do believe God can change people's hearts. I just for some reason don't think it's going to happen... because I have not received any actions from w taking my feelings into consideration at all. If she would do #3, I feel it would just be so she could move on faster. I feel that if she did #3, it would be for selfish reasons.

Regardless of whichever w chooses, my response needs to be the same "It does not reflect on me and my self worth".

Walking in tomorrow knowing that my w will lose alot in our D is very hard for me. Although I realize that these are the consequences to her actions I've always done my best to protect her. I have sacrificed my self worth, my feelings, in all because I thought I was "loving her".

Tomorrow I will still love her, but I will also love myself. I'm not sure how to convey that to her. That by loving us equally, and splitting our assets equally, she will lose alot... but it does not change my hopes for us or my feelings for her. I hope God provides me with the right words. I hope he provides me the strength should those words fall on deaf ears.

I really hope there is no small talk tomorrow. It's just not healthy for me. I wish I could be healthier and handle it as just that.. but I can't. It hurts.

It hurts that we are still FB friends. It hurts that she will call me out of the blue and then retract for weeks. It hurts that she sends me a generic birthday wish. What's next - A Christmas card or a comment on my FB 3 months down the line. I realize that she is 2% in my life, 98% not.. but until I can see that 98% as being okay.. I should probably eliminate the 2%.

I am trying to find a loving way to say this. One that says I have not locked the door and that I care about her deeply, but her being in my life w/o being in my life is not okay for me. When/If she decides to make a commitment to invest in my life as someone she truly cares about, I will be there. Until then, I prefer she leave me alone.

I don't want it to come off as angry and probably something that I will not say tomorrow.. but it weighs on my heart heavily.

I just kinda feel like I am worth it. I'm worth investing time into. I feel like she never fully invested into me. Whether that is she actually didn't care, or she was afraid or whatever. Whatever her reasons are valid and hers alone, but does not excuse the hurt she has caused, nor does it excuse her not being able to fully commit or let go.

If I read this above in another sitch, I would encourage them to accept those feelings and not use them as an excuse to do any action.. but all I can think at the moment is that If I don't start seeing it in that way.. I may never move on.