Wife no longer in love with me - Part 4

[NTX_Dad]

I agree, do not send that note.

If you want to sell the house, fine.

However, if you are the one living there and you want out of the house to ease YOUR pain, then perhaps you should try to sell it. It seems like it would be harder for her to sell it if she's not the one living there.

And if you think she should be the one to sell it, then just tell her without the "you wanted this, I didn't" comments. I agree with bond, it sounds like you putting guilt on her if you did that.

[cam]

In reality I don't want to sell the house, as we love the place and what we did to it. But I I feel like I am sitting here waiting for her to return when it's not going to likely happen.
I just don't get what she wants.....she said the next step for us is to talk about splitting assets, so I asked her what her thoughts are on this and what she wants. But she comes back and asks me to start thinking about it and let her know what I think or want.
I don't get it.....she wants this and the ball is in her court, yet she expects me to do the work.
I told her that we should sell, I didn't send the email. But not sure what to do now, given i said that, so she may be waiting for something to happen now.
So sick of this craziness and events occupying my thoughts all day.

[MrBond]

"I am sitting here waiting for her to return when it's not going to likely happen."

Again. If you "know" it's not going to happen, what are you waiting for? Stop predicting what you don't know. You end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

"I just don't get what she wants."

She doesn't know either. It's why it's called a rollercoaster. You can either keep riding it with her or you can hop off and let her run it herself.

"she wants this and the ball is in her court, yet she expects me to do the work."

She didn't "expect" it. She just asked. She never demanded you do it. In fact, you were the one who told her all that additional info.

Start clearing your head.

[cam]

Start clearing your head.

That's what I am struggling with. I don't know how! I'm seeing an IC, taking ADs, yet I still feel like crap.
I still think about her all day, think about all that I've lost, all the things we were supposed to do, think that I'm never going to meet someone like her again, that I will never have the bond that we had and why was I like that (that's probably the one thing I can answer now).

All day these thoughts go through my head. I replay over and over what she says to me "cam, you'll find someone else to have kids with", "cam, I can never imagine us being together again", "cam, our M wasn't even enough", "cam, we can't go back now, its gone too far" etc etc

I can't clear my head, I don't know how to, I wish I could.
I'm just a mess.

[In_Shock]

i wonder if you have OCD? I actually have been diagnosed with mild ocd- I have the same problems you describe and have said the same things. I obsess over the R all the time (which doesn't help me stop blurting out things I shouldn't, etc..) I also see an IC am on ADs and xanax -- have a DB coach, and I also struggle with HOW to clear my mind? How to let go?

I wanted to tell u I understand your feelings. The only thing I can say is I keep getting up and going on every day. I use thought stopping techniques like the stop sign a lot.

Hopefully some seasoned DBers can give us both some practical tips. Just giving u my support. I know it is hard. I am totally there with you. ((hugs))

[Drew]

Cam,

Why do you define yourself and your happiness in terms of someone else?

[Drew]

Perhaps you should start there ......

[cam]

i wonder if you have OCD?

Just giving u my support. I know it is hard. I am totally there with you. ((hugs))

Thanks IS...I have never really thought about that. I don't know, I've never obsessed over anything else before in my life. Just this, as I just want the pain to stop and my life to get better.

[cam]

Cam,

Why do you define yourself and your happiness in terms of someone else?

I think because I was unhappy last year and now that I realize what I've lost I understand that I shouldn't have been unhappy last year - as this now is real unhappiness. Not having her in my life has made me reevaluate everything I do, who I am and who I became. And I see I wasn't someone I wanted to be, and I am trying to work myself back to being the person she fell in love with.
But having no contact and dealing with someone like her (who blocks things out and runs away), I feel like she will never give me a chance. How can I show her I'm changing when she would never initiate contact, and I am trying not too.

My happiness has been defined by her of late because with her out of my life I feel so empty and lost. I miss her so much and all the fun we used to have together and now I feel like I have nothing. I miss my best and closest friend.
I just can't seem to move on or move forward.

[In_Shock]

[quote=Drew]Cam,

Why do you define yourself and your happiness in terms of someone else?

Great question Drew. Absolutely bottom line to examine. Why indeed?
I think because I was unhappy last year and now that I realize what I've lost I understand that I shouldn't have been unhappy last year - as this now is real unhappiness. Not having her in my life has made me reevaluate everything I do, who I am and who I became. And I see I wasn't someone I wanted to be, and I am trying to work myself back to being the person she fell in love with.
But having no contact and dealing with someone like her (who blocks things out and runs away), I feel like she will never give me a chance. How can I show her I'm changing when she would never initiate contact, and I am trying not too.

My happiness has been defined by her of late because with her out of my life I feel so empty and lost. I miss her so much and all the fun we used to have together and now I feel like I have nothing. I miss my best and closest friend.

See, that's also the way I feel sometimes. It is the empty feeling that is dangerous. That means that you and I both Cam need to really find a way to step outside our sitch and fill ourselves -- not depending on anyone else. It's SO hard to do -- it takes time, effort and patience. How is YOUR GAL going Cam? Any new friends or any new things you have been doing to help get yourself out of it all? For me, I've been making new friends and hanging out with several. That's a big 180 for me.

I understand how you can question your W noticing your changes if you have NC--- but Cam, I wonder....in your sitch in particular, NC might be a really good option to allow YOU time to heal. If hearing her voice, etc... brings you back to a really bad place inside, perhaps complete silence. No email. No text. No phone. Concentrate on ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that makes Cam Cam -- and that can make Cam happy.

IDK -- I'm just a relative newbie myself, but I can feel your emotion in all your posts and wanted to reach out to you. Please take care of YOU as much as you can.

imho you are taking wayyyyyyy too much responsibility for the breakdown of M. Step back and really reflect. The IC should help some with that. And keep posting. I know it helps me a lot to just get it all out!!!!!