i dont get that, he's autistic, and therefore his routines are extremely important to him, thats how he maintains understanding/connection/peace with his world.
why not just put his food from home on a tray a let him walk through the line?
Curious about that too. Is there some lesson that the school wants to teach
or is it basically a life skill (called adapting) he has to gain so they want to encourage it and foster it so much that they can't just let the kid go through the line?
Sidenote but relevant...when I was in school they had a line for kids with assistance for lunches. I think it mortified the poorer kids to be in that line but fiinally
we had the same line and the lunch ladies figured it out at the register so kids were not embarrassed.
HOWEVER, when the program got cut more deeply (what's new?), a lot of poorer kids began to bring their lunches and it was obviously a financial reason. Their lunches were...rough...
Then they were embarrassed not to be in the line buying their lunches...
is it possible the boy knows that it's financial and is ashamed?
Geez, I ache for him.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I could talk behavior for hours, but I'll try to keep it brief.
The quick answer: well, it depends on the child
The long answer: For this child, we had two blows against us. His parents want him to lose weight (psychotropic meds have a nasty habit of putting on weight a lot of times) so they figured the best way to do that was to send lunches (unfortunatley not just healthier lunches, but less food). So the first problem is the breaking of the routine, the second problem is this kid hates his lunch and won't fill up on it.
This particular child can't go through the line with his home lunch because the meltdown that will occur when he can't get the school lunch will most likely be bigger than just skipping the line altogether. So it's a lesser of two evils.
If Mom had consulted me, I probably would have shaped the behavior by doing one week of him still getting school lunches, but only letting him put his number in at the end of the line and not walking through, followed by giving him the school lunch just at the table (and me going through the line and doing the number for him), and then eventually presenting the home made lunch at the table and skipping the line completely.
But I didn't get a say in this particular instance. And now (after 3 weeks and few suggestions to Mom from me), he's cool with it.
But yes, in some instances it is just about adaptability. I have one student who used to totally wig out over any irregularity in the schedule. So just to get him to learn to deal, I would randomly take him on a walk, or take him for an impromtu recess by himself, or take him to the library, and give him no warning. At first, there were lots of tears and screaming, but now we're good. Because sometimes, sh!t happens and you gotta deal (think of trying to get all those guys out of the building during a fire drill.....)
I found out some more info on breaking leases in my state. It's not that big of a deal, basically. I'm going to check out one other property right now that's in the same neighborhood for the same price range. I'm not going to sign anything today. H and I have MC tonight. But I think for my sanity, and for the long-term health of our M, I shouldn't move in right now. If I'm only there for 2 months, oh well.
its funny how many of us still wig-out over changes in our routines, which are really simply expectations. we may not throw the loud all-out tantrums of your students, but there's still the pouting, sulking, whining, anger, lashing out.
dont worry too much over breaking the lease. remember the main goal. when the situation settles to where it belongs, any money spent wont really matter.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Ok, so we went to MC and it was MUCH more productive than last time. H had told me that he didn't like MC much because all we did was argue. I told him part of the reason that's the case is I'm burning the wick at both ends and I just let it all go in there. I told him once I was a litle less pulled in all directions I could probably make those sessions do what they're supposed to do.
So it was better. And the T agreed that it would be best for me to get my own place for now. H and I set a goal to have me move back in by spring break, so we've got over 5 months. The lease is for a year, so obviously it can be longer, but we think that's a reasonable goal to shoot for. And I told him it's not about us being "perfect" because it's unobtainable and unrealistic, but to know what each of our levels of tolerability were.
So when we came home Monday night, I went online and filled out the application and put down the deposit. I can move in on the 15th.
H is being pretty weird about it. I feel like this is a step forward, although I could see some interpreting it differently. I mean, yes, I'm getting my own place, with a contract, but I'm no more moved out of our home living in my own apt than I am living with my dad. But I think H didn't anticipate the option of wanting things to work out, but me not moving home.
All about those expectations, right, Ken?
H told me he didn't want to help me move. Wanted to pay movers to do it for me. And then he started saying weird stuff about plans for the holidays (like splitting D's time between the two of us, which we have never discussed). I questioned him on it a little, but he was getting flustered, so I dropped it.
I just have to remember that when he gets emotionally panicked, nothing but verbal diarrhea comes out of his mouth. It's messy and awful.
I made sure to make him aware that I'm not doing this to punish him, and reiterated that I'm doing this so I can have the time, energy, and focus to put on our M. That I'm doing this for D and so I can be in a healthy place to make healthy decisions. He said he knew and didn't feel punished or anything by it.
He called me last night after his softball game just to say hi. He's now being all weird about making future plans (like, in the next few weeks future plans). Whatever. He needs some time to process. So I'm going to continue to make plans on my own and he can check in when he gets his head straight.
We were invited to a football party on the 8th. I went ahead and set up a babysitter for D for that day. If H chooses to go, cool. If not, I'll still go without him.
T did recommend us doing more "date like" things. We saw Moneyball by ourselves this weekend (great, btw). We'll see if he asks me to do anything else. He said he might want to go to the state fair, but then said he'd like to do it with a group of people. Who knows.
He did order D's Halloween costume today. She's going to be a peacock. Google "baby peacock costume". I'm stoked.
the reason I prefer those workshops is exactly this reason though.
T is great BUT when we'd make a breakthrough that's fun and warm, it ends b/c we have to go back to work or the kids or the sitter.
If I/we made a painful breakthrough and cry, the same thing happens and next week it's hard to plow deeper b/c you spend time just regaining your place...
I also think your h is suprised at the shift...there IS an understandable change in your attitude.
You are not "waiting for him to let you home"....which Is what I think he sort of saw it as being.
But it's more even now and I just wonder how that feels to him. Not sure I care, but something he did/said, makes you say he is now acting weird.
Is HE punishing YOU with the split holiday "planning"? Hope not.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
theres nothing there that i would think is unexpected, from your perspective. i anticipated he would get flustered by you choosing not to move back. i think he feels he's making progress and that you moving home was a given. it would be natural for him to feel rejected. and scared.
i'd guess that he was expecting you to decide to move home, which may explain why he never came out and said he wanted you to. Going back to what you had said a couple pages ago, you wanted him to voice it, he wanted you to voice it. he was allowing you to make that decision, he didnt want to pressure you, thinking this is what you wanted.
what you felt about needing him to say it, he may have had those same feelings.
continue to show patience, he's going to feel let down. he's going to take it personal. he's walking on eggshells and is scared to say the wrong thing, although he still does, but i think there's fear there.
this is something you'll need to work on, allowing both of you to speak openly (minus the derogatory) and say what you really feel, even if it comes out wrong, without fear of harming each other or the R. patience from you is key here.
there will be some blow back as he works to wrap his mind around the change (the change being in his expectations). he'll probably lash out at you some more, which is what his "questioning the holiday schedule" is all about. he's "punishing" you a bit, or maybe trying to make you question your decision, making you see the difficulties you're causing. again, only what you're causing in the change of his expectations.
him not helping you move is the same, and i think is a good sign. he's saying he doesn't want you to move out, in his own awkward way.
just remind yourself its really nothing personal. be glad he's not kicking and screaming and biting you.
and it may require sacrifice from you to show this is intended to be temporary, maybe in the form of not completely moving out, but taking only what you absolutely need. that may make your day to day life a bit more difficult, but it will comfort him to know you still have your stuff where he lives.
and dont wait for him to ask you to do things. you can ask him too. this relationship is both your responsibilities, to do everything you can to make it work. dont risk it by making unnecessary rules of his turn/my turn, or waiting for him, etc.
if you want to see him, tell him. if you need space, tell him. that's transparency and truthfulness. it would be a shame if you miss an opportunity to spend time together because you were both waiting for the other to initiate plans.
but keep up the great work. i feel my time here is almost done. heheh.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
I haven't signed the lease yet. I put down the deposit and I've been approved. They have the paperwork waiting for me to sign.
He just brings this up to me last night. I spent the night last night and I'm going to stay here tonight too. But last night he comes and sits next to me on the couch and says, "so.... do you HAVE to get the apartment?" M: Well, I can't keep driving from Dad's. H: Maybe you could come home?
Well, F. I don't think we're ready at this point for me to move back in. I think that I am still very upset about how much he f-ed me over (every time I see a pregnant woman I want to cry). H still says he's also not really attracted to me. He said he loves spending time with me and thinks I'm fun, but he still doesn't have that "spark". I think MC can help us with this, but still....
Do I want to move home to a man who isn't fully in love with me? Do I want to move home to a man who hurt me SO badly and I'm not over that yet?
I know the ultimate goal in my mind is still to come home, be happy married, and give ourselves the healthy R we deserve and be good role models for D. That I have no question about.
Maybe the T can reassure H that just because I move to my own places does not mean this is a step backwards for us. I feel like it's actually a step towards me moving in. We can have the space we need to work on ourselves without having to be around each other all the time.
He's grown so much. He really has. And this weekend was the first time he admitted that he was "brainwashed and crazy" during my pregnancy. He has admitted to himself that he's pretty sure potential OW did want to sleep with him (although still vehemently denies any real attraction of any kind and absolutely no contact). He says he knows how badly he messed up with me.
I really did not anticipate him asking me to move home and my answer being no. At least, for now, it's no.
