W told me she is done & doesn't love me anymore.

[Snowman]

Um, does anyone have words of advice for me? I'm know I shouldn't look but this is crossing the line in my book. Not sure where to go from here???

[Queen_of_Swords]

Quit snooping and causing yourself pain.
You can't control her actions.
Focus on you and your 180's in response to her provocative behaviours.
Develop your own mystery by getting a life ( GAL) and making her curious. What's in your personal bucket list? Where can you start?

[MrBond]

IMHO, there's no problem with you snooping. I feel that it's good to know what you're up against. It's not wise to go into a battle unprepared and not knowing all the info.

It all comes back to this. Do you want to save your M? There are some people whom not matter what you do, they will continue to look for that external magic pill to make themselves happy. It could be drugs or alcohol, or even other people. Regardless of what, staying in the M is your call.

You could always call her out on her behavior and say you're done. Or you could go down and file the papers today.

IMHO you should tell her that you're disappointed in her choices while you're married and that while you would rather her work on the M, it is time for you to move your life forward. Then cut communication. Don't let her know what your "moving forward" means. She'll act relieved and say that she's happy for you or whatever and maybe even increase her bad behavior. But it will come crashing down one day when she finds out it's not the situation that is damaged, but her.

Meanwhile, you do what you can to move your life forward. It's tough as hell, but you almost need to remember what it was like to be a single guy. Keep living your life and growing. If she starts reopening communication, then you can alter your plans after that, but until then, just LIVE.

[Snowman]

Journaling.

When we dropped off my son for daycare we leave him with a backpack with a sound machine that the other spouse uses. My wife requested some cars for my son and my mother-in-law had actually given me some news ones so I put them in the backpack but I forgot to put the sound machine in there. My wife called agitated tonight that the sound machine was not in the backpack and sound she will buy another one. I told her I would bring it over to where she is living and she agreed. I called her when I got to the house and she came out and said thanks for bringing it over but she was was very agitated. I told her sorry and it was an honest mistake that I forgot it. She said we need to get another one so this doesn't happen and I said ok. She said bye and walked in.

Man she is an angry person. I don't get why she is so angry. She just has no control over her happiness.

I also found out that she went to the psychiatrist this week after waiting to get in forever and she didn't take her mom as promised. Who knows what happened there but she did tell her mom she went which is a surprise since she had not talked to her mom for a while. My MIL's half brother is a 20 year counselor that has had limited communication with my wife and has advised her to see a psychiatrist because what he knows and has seen from the family he strongly believes my wife, FIL, BIL, and grandma have psychiatric problems that they refuse to get checked. My youngest BIL is always sad and depressed. My other BIL is going through relationship problems and my wife seems to act just the same as them.

I'm not trying to point fingers or not say that I need to work on things but I can't just ignore this fact either. My MIL half brother send a message to my wife telling her that he has nothing against her father but he will not help you get help and that he will not be there when she falls. I hope my wife reads the FB message as it is will be an eye opener to her.

My wife is going to dinner with my MIL tomorrow supposedly although we will see what happens. I interested where this psychiatrist thing goes but I will continue to GAL. I wont rock the boat for now on confronting her but it will be done in the future.

This is a crazy roller coaster ride. I'm glad you guys are her to support me and help me figure this out. Please keep it coming.

[Snowman]

Well my wife is working on pushing out the world more. She didn't go with my MIL to dinner and didn't respond to her phone call or text message. I was GALing hanging out with a friend when my MIL called me to inform me my wife has deleted herself of FB. I guess the shame finally got to her. My MIL had posted a thanks to me about helping her buy a new computer and that I was a great husband. MIL also posted to wife that she missed her and my S, what have you been up to. My wife knows that my MIL is moving away because she got remarried but she rejects her still. That is just cold hearted to not let her see her and her grandson. She did email her just to make sure she had her current email, weird.

Well, I get my son today and I hope he has been doing ok. He is usually excited when I pick him up from daycare.

My wife seems to be working on herself but had pushed the rest of the world out in the process. I feel like when this stitch started she was GALing and DBing a little bit but now she has gone silent. Not sure if I should be trying to communicate with her or not. I'm in the no mans land. I guess all I can do is continue and give it time.

What do you think?

[Snowman]

Well I have been going up and down on the detaching. I have done good on not contacting her or bugging her about anything but on the other hand I have had a hard time not obsessing over her and checking on phone records and what not.

I know I'm the typical fixer person describe in many posts on this forum and I'm working on that for myself. I do think I was to controlling or the dominate spouse in the relationship and I'm working on that but it is hard at this point to show that to my spouse when I'm in LRT mode. I come from a family of fixers and I realize that and my oldest sister that went through a stitch with her husband realizes this as well.

I basically made every classic mistake when this all happened, from trying to fix it every which way to telling her she has a psychiatric problem which I still don't rule out because she went to a psychiatrist last week. Anyway on working on letting go and trying to be the father to my son and person I can be. Make slow progress with some backsliding here and there but I'm making progress I think.

My IC recommended the book "Hold me tight" and I'm also thinking of getting Tough Love and/or DR. What does everyone think about these books considering my situation?

I think my wife deleting her FB is a good thing because that's on less avenue for inappropriate relations. Her texting died out today and was mostly to known numbers. It makes me wonder if she is finally turning around or what. i guess I should not speculate to much but I'm trying to stay positive about it. Have not heard any feedback from anyone on here for a while so something would be nice.

[Truegritter]

I basically made every classic mistake when this all happened, from trying to fix it every which way to telling her she has a psychiatric problem which I still don't rule out because she went to a psychiatrist last week.

That very well may be and you should not rule it out.

If she DOES have phsychiatric problem. What then?

Was your control related to the fear of this?

What control does she have if this is the case?

What control do you have?

Snowman, this is not an easy answer, but the questions...

They are why you are here.

[Snowman]

Truegritter,

If she has a psychiatric problem I don't know what to do as she has pretty much shut me out of the communication. I know nothing about it. I would like to help her with it but she he shut me out so tho speak and I have been doing the LRT so I have not be initiating contact.

My control during the relationship was not related to that at the time because I didn't realize she may have those issues but in reflection she has always been a rollercoaster of emotion from anger to depression.

If she does have psychiatric problem then she has a false sense of control in my opinion but she still has control over herself as I can't do anything. I have let her have control of the situation so to speak so I don't know where things are going as I have relequished my control.

I feel that I have no control other than the control over myself which I feel like I'm loosing patience and control while I sit in the dark with no direction as to where this is going.

I really don't know if LRT is helping or hurting. She tells people she is happy but then people tell me she is doesn't look happy and it is all just an act. Her brother just talked to her and asked her the divorce question and she said she is not ready to do that so I guess that is good. I just really am at a lose.

Help!!

[Snowman]

My wife wants to come get more clothes from our house because it is getting cold.

What it be bad at this point to ask if she has an update on us?

[Drew]

What it be bad at this point to ask if she has an update on us?

Do you like touching a hot stove?