My MIL Loves OW and Hates me...What to Do?

[25yearsmlc]

am I missing something? Is there another thread of yours somewhere? I am missing the information you seem to think I know.

Have you read the Div Busting Book or Divorce Remedy books? They are solution based approaches to marital problems and that is based on the simple but radical idea that we need to work on US ONLY b/c we are the only ones WE can control. AND that we should do MORE of what helps the marriage and less/none of what hurts it.

A marriage is a relationship between 2 people and one person CAN change that relationship by changing themselves, by definition...

I don't know your changes b/c you are being vague about them.

I did not ask how to change MIL, I was asking what I could do about the situation. Nor was I judging her in a bad way. I was simply explaining our differences, we have VERY different world views. As for the christian part she says she is a christian,BUT how many true christians would tell their son to abandon their children, move a thousand miles from them, and pursue an affair? If that is christian, well I am afraid I might need to examine my faith!

this information was not in your first post. You simply alleged that she is encouraging an "Emotional affair"and you seem to think you need to work on fixing HER but you cannot.

You can only work on YOU. That's a premise of the div busting approach. The books will greatly assist you in seeing this.


I have addressed EVERY issue and fault my husband had against me. I am doing back flips to save my marriage.


If that is true, and you are the best YOU that you can be, then leave the results up to God. There's nothing else.

But my guess is, and it's only a guess, is that if you were to dig deeper and more bravely

some of your flaws might not be so superficial. YOu might be truly flawed like most of us here, and need to do some serious work.



Everything he complained of was very superficial, and I have rectifyed everything.

See above comments.^^^

In fact he tells the pastor who counsels us that every time.

That ^^ is standard WAH talk. It means he doesn't want you to keep trying.


The only thing I have ever done to my MIL is not agree with her view points and stand up for my beliefs.

I have found that unless someone insists I verbalize agreement with them, it's not productive to argue with inlaws...and even then, it has to matter a lot. Frankly, if they think the role of government ought to be more or less than I think, though it's important to me, it's not important enough for marital or family discord.

IF they asked me to deny God, THAT would matter enough to "Stand up for my beliefs"...


Like I said I also stopped pursuing a business because it was not feasable

I must have missed that information.


and she got mad at me. I was trying to start a home daycare but the market in the area was over saturated so I stopped taking the classes, etc. She saw it as me not sticking to anything.
She booted us from the house because when we got it our income was higher. We were struggling to keep up with everything. Another family member offered to take the house over and she told us we needed to move. The other family member ran into the same problem and they had to move too. It

sounds as if your mil was not able to subsidize you OR anyone else in the house payments....SHE is probably very disappointed too.


was just a bad idea to mix family and business, especially in this bad economy. My H has defended me from his momther for years but he stopped when his affair started. Up until the affair everything was ok although our marriage was not great because we were not maintaining it.

explore this^^^....there is more to this statement than you may wish to consider b/c right now you are reeling.

How long have you been married and how mnay children do you have?

also if you can define 2 180s of yours, or a single GAL activity that will help YOU not spin wheels....


When the affair started that is when he suddenly stopped "loving" me. It was your text book "I am having a bad week with my spouse and so are you lets talk about it" emotional affairs.

not that familiar with this textbook. Usually an EA leads to a PA for a man and sometimes, there is something else going on IN the marrigae.

What do you wish YOU could do differently

if you had it to do over? This is KEY...

B/c In the final analysis, your h MUST believe marriage to you can be better than before, or he will not return.



I just don't know how to deal with MIL and her promoting the affair? There is probably nothing I can do.


Correct. And HER VIEW does not matter. Only your h's does..learning to let go of what you really cannot control will be very freeing and empowering.

My husband will not tell her to back off and let us figure this out or defend me because he says he still does not know what he is going to do. He says I have made great changes that please him but he seems to have to hide that from his family and friends. She is the boss plain and simple and he is not going to rock the boat.

what "boat would rock"? I mean, what difference does her view make NOW that it did not matter before?
Something IN your marriage has shifted for HIM to make these choices...what is that do you think?


I just want to know what I can do if anything?

get the divorce remedy book and read it asap.

Read other people's threads here too. And give us the info we need.

length of marriage, kids and ages, etc

it's Not hopeless. But I don't for a minute think your personal work is done.

And that's okay! Welcome to humanity.

I will also send you a list of "Do's and Don't"S for newbies if I can find it.