Updating my update. Truly enjoyed my new home this weekend. SIL helped me move the big swingset to my new backyard. Mowed, raked, burned. Decorated for Fall. I am very, very close to saying goodbye for good to the 'dream house'. House of broken dreams is more like it.
Had a really great weekend, just wish it wasn't over.
Didn't get to go to church as I had no power/hot water. Squirrels are very active around here and keep getting into the transformers and blowing the block's power. There weren't this many squirrels out in the country where I was! Tree rats, my friend calls them. They wake me up in the morning chasing each other across my roof.
There is an old wives' tale about the activity of squirrels designating a rough winter. At the rate they are going at it, this Winter could be a dooZy.
Hey Punkin, guess what? I raked and burned too. My neighbors were complaining about a very large pine tree that overhung their side a bit, worried that it might fall on their house in a storm, so my brother came and climbed up and took a good bit of it down to lessen the weight. That tree was SO large that we burned the equivalent of about a 20 foot tree in its entirety in what he took down. I also put up fall decorations, and I had to put the heat on today!
It was funny, I took a nap midday because I was so tired out, woke up, heard the heat come on, looked outside at the chilly weather and felt like I went from one season to another in a few hours, and I have to say that THIS fall feels a whole lot different from LAST fall!!
I'm glad to hear you're enjoying your new house and I bet you are also feeling that the new season is different and a lot more promising than last fall!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
punkin, I'm very pleased to see that you are enjoying your new home. Sounds like you've been a busy lady over the weekend. As for the squirrels, if they are burying a lot of nuts, plan on a cold/snowy winter.
Take care of yourself and please do not over do it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Reading over IB's latest posts put me in a frame of thought.
Anger is okay, and needs to be expressed, but when does it cross the line into obsession? I think I am doing fine. Enjoying my life, until I go to sleep at night and my subconscious puts me through hell. I'm either furious at him; or furious at me. What I did or he did or I didn't or he didn't. I still awake at the dead hours of morning, staring at my ceiling and reviewing my past. I know this is not healthy, but how do you get it to stop? I am not consciously or purposefully going to bed with these thoughts on my mind. It is when they 'attack' me.
Other than that, things are going very well. I found the love of my life, a 2 month old Golden Retriever I have named Luca. My job is going well, got a raise with a promise of another in 3 months. Busy life with family and friends. 3 new grands expected over the next 6 months. So where does this 'dark demon' fit into the picture. I am afraid it is a sign of my own being stuck in replay. I want out! Off! Away, Whatever!
Hi I got this anger in dreams too for a time, and then it went away. I think you have to go with it, and explore the content of the dreams carefully and analytically. Dreams are sometimes the way our subconscious is dealing with issues. Your fabulous jokey facade isn't all the way through, and your subconscious is saying, look there is still stuff here that will bite you later.
How do you feel when you wake up - still angry or have you expressed it all - what sorts of dreams did you have, what did you say, and so on. There is some sort of story here working its way out. Pay attention and it will likely go away.
Just read your post on IB's thread. I hope this makes you smile: A good friend of mine has a really crazy MLcer, and it is now 4+ years on, and they talk on the phone. Recently he said to her ' You have got yourself together after all this [as if the MLC was an act of God, rather than stemming from his actions] The tone was rather resentful, because the guy knows now he is a mess, and stuck in a totally dysfunctional relationship which he is terrified to leave, but desperately wants to . . . . .
So the strong likelihood is that at some point reality will hit your xh. The evidence is that it is hitting mine, slowly, slowly, and he is dashing around trying to be friends again with his kids. He can't quite see that a few lunches and theatre trips aren't really a catch up for 6 years absence but that is MLC for you!
Rip van Winkle, as they say. We have all changed and moved on.
Punkin, The anger you are experiencing is normal. In time, it will go away.
I'm glad you got a dog. I'm sure Luca will be a lot of company for you in the days ahead. Your life is changing each and every day and I see more and more positives for you along the way.
You are going to be an extremely busy grandmother in the not so distant future. I'm sure your family is excited about the new additions. Just be sure that you carve out some "me" time for you with all of the changes/additions.
Bea's right, eventually some of them will begin to wake up and come to realize what a screw up they've made of their lives and the lives of their families. They will not know how to reconnect in a positive way and it will take a long time for them to finally figure it out and try to make amends. Of course, they don't realize that you can't recover the years that they were AWOL.
Please take care of yourself.
Bea, Rip Van Winkle does fit with what they go through because they are not of this world when the switch is flipped. I had to chuckle because that is what I use to call my xh many years ago.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks for your responses. You are definitely nicer than me, as Rip Van Winkle is much nicer than what I refer to my X ( to myself, not the kids, of course)
The funny things about my dreams are just this: We will be at an activity, a function, a ballgame, whatever, and I will turn and see that I am with the X, and no one seems to know all of the hell that has gone on before. One minute I am with a friend or something, and the next, he is there, just like nothing ever happened. I become very confused and conflicted. Should I point out that everyone seems to be missing the big picture, WTH are you doing here? type of thing? And this is how I awake. Conflicted. Capital C. Same as Constipation. And that is how I feel, constipated emotions. Ex-Lax anyone?
Just remember the good you got by being married to him .... children and grandchildren. That's what I keep telling myself. The time wasn't wasted. Can't replace the kids, wouldn't want to, but exH can be replaced, even if only by a dog.
Yes, you must be very angry. I am, and probably all of us are at one stage or another. We are entitled to that anger. But, don't let it last too long. Have you forgiven him and OW? Not for them, but for yourself. Forgive and let go. I am slowly doing that, but it's hard ... when you don't know the why and no true explanation.
Quote:
And that is how I feel, constipated emotions.
Laughed out loud at this. You've just named my emotions. I have just dropped my H off for yet another trip (two weeks). While he's here and while he's away, I am continually stopping up me feelings.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I know this is a serious topic, but I can't stop laughing. 'Constipated emotions' and 'replaced, even if only by a dog' had me giggling. Ah...
Anyway, the anger is normal. A lot of times a physically strenuous hobby helps with that anger and often some sort of meditation. And time. With some effort, it does go away. And guess what? There's a whole wonderful world out there that your x misses but is there just for you. It's waiting...
Take two doses of time and some strenuous physical activity and call me in the morning
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
