Trying not to hope is hard

[25yearsmlc]

silver,

I'll hunt down some vets for you.

But just want to say that any growth in your w, IF and when it happens-
you will be the last to know.

They say the fastest way to end a r is to take its' temperature. So stop doing it.

Whether it's temp taking with her or her sister or a neighbor, etc. it's still temperature taking and it's not relevant NOW as it could change tomorrow anyway...mostly temp taking harms the r (and probably never helps!)

WHat matters now is your work on you

Remember the jurisdiction analogy? Each state cares for its own citizens (issues) and doesn't look at or go into other states to fix theirs...

Okay so take care of your states' affairs and leave your w's alone. Don't even stare "across the borders"...why? B/c that staring (obessing) takes mental and emotional energy that ought to be spent on YOUR STATE (ie your life).

Are you being the best YOU that you can be?

How are those 180s? What are they now?
And how are those GAL activities? Let's hear about them.

Just your stuff....never mind her state or her sandbox or whatever metaphor works best, is doing.

As for what to believe of her words and actions....depends on the issue. Neither of you trust enough of what you say to each other and that's worth discussing.

See if the problem h and I are having and what we 're doing about it, helps.

It's actually about communication but SEEMS like it's about money...

Lately, (since mil's illness and death) there is one topic my h & I have to tip toe around these days. It's money. This is a new problem for us. Before a few years ago, we were a team and made the decisions jointly.

Recently I discovered our cash flow problems were due to choices mostly made by h, with which I either disagreed or had no knowldege of. That stinks.

I have not criticized him or the choice since learning what happened but that almost doesn't matter. (I did say "what about US making these choices like we used to?" And he got angry).

All I can say for sure is that he's unhappy and avoidant talking about money matters right now. I think he's disappointed in how his life is right now, and rather than feeling accountable and learning from it, seems he is angry.
I admit I am angry that we are having this problem at this stage of our lives...and at having something hidden from me.

So, when we talk about money matters lately a lot of conflct and blame occurs. I have asked h to "recap" what I just said and I can honestly say that lately, 100% of the time I ask him to recap, he say s things he FEARS I MEANT TO SAY

but not what I actually said! Then when I repeat my exact words, he says "ah but you implied/meant something else" and that is hard to deal with silver.

see how destructive and crazy this can get?

"Geez, Why bother using language at all? Just read my mind and let your fears and guilt be your guide!"

So as you can see, you and your w are going to have to take words at face value or you'll get nowhere fast.


The "believe half of what they do and none of what they say" is not applicable to normal conversations about everyday things, USUALLY.

It's for MLCers and especially for those who revise the marital history or hurl out nasty commenbts about how they "never loved you", "never will", etc.

Since You will NOT start any R talks or take the temperature, this approach only relates to normal matters or conflicts...

For r talks that she begins, you are to be in the "receiving data only" mode. Get information, knowing it isn't written in stone. But "Transmit" nothing.

After you have had time to process what she tells you and maybe run it by a T, you can give your response. No "reactions" so much as well considered choices.
Make sense?
In the meantime, here is what helps us get by these tricky crossings. Some of these may help you if they feel authentic or realistic for you to do.

Avoid blame statements, stay on message and ask her to recap. And see if YOU can recap what she tells you.

I will begin by saying "I promise to tell you what I think. I won't leave out or imply anything other than what I say. I trust you to do and say the same"
and go from there. Take what they say at face value.

Don't make this new approach about "fixing the marriage" but about addressing the pending day to day issues and conflicts that you can improve upon,

without making it R talk!


If you tell her "here are the new ideas!" that = tactics and or pursuit and may sound controlling,

just insert it into some discussion you two are having,

Take a risk and trust her. These are not life and death issues anyhow
so build trust and credibility on mundane matters, before you feel like you
have to risk it all. And Lead by example.