Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

Journalling - just musing.

I think I'm turning into the walk away spouse now.

I fully realize our M was not all roses and wine, and I recognize my part in the deterioration in our M as well as his. My thoughts/behavior that contributed to my M's breakdown I have chosen to do something about and I am happy with my progress in this area as well as my personal and emotional growth so far. Yes, I still have more to do and this process will be lifelong.

My life and responsibilities have changed very little since he left.
I still carry everything I did in the past and now, more.
I don't and didn't really need him.
Nevertheless I did love him and I did want his full participation. I seldom got it.
He sorta just went along for the ride, even if he hated the Carousel.

Do I love him now?
I care about his well being. I hope he finds his way to personal happiness and a really good understanding of what he needs and wants. I hope he heals his own trauma of the past and finds his confident and assertive self.

Is that love or something less than love? I don't know.

I do know I feel nothing sexual for him anymore. I do know although I offer hugs and touch when I can, it feels like hugging one of my siblings, but even less so.
I can count on my siblings, him I feel I can't.

I guess in some ways I've convinced myself he really never gave a damn about me, unless I could be fitted into some time/space/role slot he determined was appropriate to what he needed.
He didn't love me for who I am, he loved what he thought I could do for him. In fact looking back I feel he was often ashamed of me.
I was not then, and not now, really what he wanted. I didn't and don't fit his ideas that he has about what a wife "should" be.
I still don't.

I'm a wife in name only, and mother to our kids and those are the two roles I have as far as STBX is concerned.

I want more than that.

The question now is how do I get it?
I've resigned myself to the fact he wants very little to do with me, and in fact does not want any of his needs met by me.

I've also resigned myself to the fact he has absolutely no interest in meeting my needs. I don't concern him unless it's in my role as mother to our kids.

I've already done some dating and let's just say, the men there want me for one thing...