Oh and everything 25 said is worth listening to!! I also had a similar situation with an animal who seemed paralyzed. He went ahead to live a healthy life with some treatment. I have a great vet who has been there for us in many ways through the years.
Definitely if you have to put him down, the whole family is the way to go. He has been there for you guys and given unconditional love. It's the least we can do for our friends as they pass on.... *i tear up when i write about this type of thing!* you are in my thoughts as always man.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Thanks 25 And JS. Told W that I wanted to go to the vet. She said you don't have to. I said he is my dog too and wAnt too be there. So I got in the car she handed him to me and we drove. D did not come. We spoke a bit strange silence at time. This was a 180 for me. In the past If she you don't have to I would have said ok. We haven't been together and alone in months. Our Pug has vestibular disease and we were told to watch. Him for few days. Went to my club after we got home. Told W if she was going out and needed me to come home and watch him to call me. Needed to Gal hope I did the right thing.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I'm sorry about your dog too. I dread that day with mine. Be aware that it's hard for her too, and some of her behavior toward you at the moment may be coming from grief and pain.
You said "W said she will take him tomorrow. I think he is suffering alot and asked W if we should take him today and that I wanted to go. She did not respond. So this is how it works I offer to help with a messy sitch and she ignores me as usual. Even before our sitch happened. I also asked if D understood the finality of putting him down. W said well she has seen how he is doing so I guess so?"
I read that as more passive behavior. She made a decision, which you questioned with a question, "should we take him today" but still throwing the decision back to her. So, you don't like her decision and want her to make another one. Think about this - does it really matter if it's today or tomorrow? If you can't go tomorrow and can today, there's a strong statement you can make, which is "I want and need to be there and would like you to consider going together today so we can say goodbye together, can you agree to do that?" If her want and need is to put this off another day, you need to recognize she has as much right to that as you do to yours, and you need to try to get to how much (scale of 1-10) she needs hers, and how much you need yours. If you're both at 10, you need to find other ways to accommodate each other. If she doesn't answer you, you need to try harder - "I'm guessing you feel strongly about tomorrow because...is that right?" If you can go tomorrow, why not support your W's choice to make it tomorrow and go with her? (another possibility is the timing, was this not a good time to talk when she ignored you, and could you ask her to talk with you about it in an hour or at X time?)
Another question: you aked W if D understands. What do you think? Have you talked to D? Have you suggested having a family conversation so D can ask any questions she might have?
You're trying to get involved, which is good, but questioning her decisions and then backing down (leaving the possibility for a later "I told you so") is still passive. Active, to me, is expressing your needs, hearing hers, and finding the solution that meets the most of both of your needs. Active is supporting her decisions when they don't make a BIG difference (like today vs tomorrow). Active is not expecting her to have all the answers - share your observations, if you don't have any then seek them out, and asking for her observations.
I hope this is helpful for you to see some patterns in this interactions, but I'm so sorry for what you're going through too.
If you have a vet's opinion about your dog's prognosis and you both agree with it, the other details are all in finding out and meeting the needs of your dog, your D, your W and you.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oops I was writing that before I saw your post that came in while I was typing. Glad you went with W. Keep expressing your needs and acting on them - that was good!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
and please keep the d informed about what the vet said. Don't ask your w just tell your d yourself.
It's interesting that you thought your w was being unreasonable by not immediately saying yes. She agreed when YOU made yourself clear and when she said you "didn't need to be there" I'm glad you went.
The question was not whether your w needed you to go but whether YOU needed to go...your dog too.
Glad you did it that way. Sounds like the time will come sometime and I have to tell you that putting a dog down humanely when everyone agrees it's best for the dog and the dog is suffering,
can be bittersweet BUT still, a very loving gesture. Don't shut anyone out of it.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25 the funny thing is that when W and I got home D had researched by his symptoms and told us what he had before we told her what the vet said. W and I both laughed at how smart she is. W is still as cold as a block of ice. Today I'm dealing with it alot better not sure why. Yes we will discuss putting him down as a family when the time comes. Hopefully he will get better and healthier soon. I'm learning slowly but learning. Keep the inputs coming.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
So I back slid. Was doing so good yesterday. Last night W made dinner and D joined us. She hasn't eaten dinner with us for months. She was holding our sick dog while we ate. D and I were talking and every word I said W interrupted. D gave W a look that could kill. W acted very weird as if she did not want me to have a convo with D. I felt very disrespected so I kept talking to D every time W interrupted. I did not get angry or said mean things but I was hurt. Drank too much wine last night on top of the no sleeping so the details are foggy. Had been doing much better regarding the drinking. I felt like crying so I got up and went to the bathroom and washed up. Told them the hot peppers were really hot and making me teary. I think I'm at a point that the cold treatment is getting to me.
This morning W was up earlier than usual. Went downstairs to have breakfast and W said that our dog, our 3 dogs always slept in our bed, urinated all over her on the couch she has been sleeping on. I told her I was very sorry he did that and offer to help in any way she said she was ok it just smelled. I called her when I got to work and told her that maybe she could turn the heat on so it could dry faster. Its cold up here today. She said it should dry by tonight. Asked how the dog was doing she said he was sleeping. She was pleasant but I am not sure what I was trying to accomplish by calling her? By the way the dog was much better today.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I don't know why you called her either...but anyhow, something called "Nature's Solution" is the best cleaner for urine. Removes the stain AND the smell and I have a very sensitive smell. I have had to reappy it twice, but it does work. Nothing else does the trick if something is really soaked.
We have 3 dogs but only the old pug does this. Good thing ours can't climb up on furniture too well.
You may have to get the "Nature's Solution" in a pet store like Petco and it has an enzyme in it that literally "consumes" the urine. My carpet cleaning guy told me to use that and so we do now. It's also easiest to use (do Not have to use any special gadget or time it, or soak AND then scrub AND then blot, etc).
OK--- so it's Weird that your w kept interrupting but good that your d saw it.
Why didn't you say "W, please let me finish"? then complete the sentence or question you were asking your d. Do not say it angrily, just matter of factly like she didn't notice or forgot that you were talking and you're merely reminding her...
It's better than simply talking over each other. If she does it again, you say it again. Sure, of course you have to let others talk too, but while you are speaking (assuming you have not taken over or monopolizied endlessly) she should not interrupt you.
Again, tell her she interrupted you in a way that shows you are Not angry but merely reminding her that she's interrupting. If it continues, then you might remind her more forcefully, "W, I told you not to interrupt but you did it againg twice. I'm almost finished"....or "W, you've interrupted again but I want to talk to D about this. & I don't get much time with her"....
My d22tells me when I interrupt (she tells stories with way too much detail for my impatient ways, and I tend to want her to hurry up. She'll take 10 minutes to tell us about a dream she had)
But when she tells me I interrupted her, I usually don't get offended; I get embarrassed b/c she's right. Who cares if she takes a long time to tell the story? It's not air time that costs us money.
Good luck with the dog and the urine.
You can't just want it to dry for it stains and stinks then...but I strongly recommend you help with the cleaning...at least buy the stuff and put it on and show her the label.
Don't say she didn't want your help b/c she didn't come out and say she did, or b/c she said she didn't "need" it....that's not a refusal.
Good luck!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
