What happens next part II?????

[adinva]

I'm sorry about your dog too. I dread that day with mine. Be aware that it's hard for her too, and some of her behavior toward you at the moment may be coming from grief and pain.

You said "W said she will take him tomorrow. I think he is suffering alot and asked W if we should take him today and that I wanted to go. She did not respond. So this is how it works I offer to help with a messy sitch and she ignores me as usual. Even before our sitch happened. I also asked if D understood the finality of putting him down. W said well she has seen how he is doing so I guess so?"

I read that as more passive behavior. She made a decision, which you questioned with a question, "should we take him today" but still throwing the decision back to her. So, you don't like her decision and want her to make another one. Think about this - does it really matter if it's today or tomorrow? If you can't go tomorrow and can today, there's a strong statement you can make, which is "I want and need to be there and would like you to consider going together today so we can say goodbye together, can you agree to do that?" If her want and need is to put this off another day, you need to recognize she has as much right to that as you do to yours, and you need to try to get to how much (scale of 1-10) she needs hers, and how much you need yours. If you're both at 10, you need to find other ways to accommodate each other. If she doesn't answer you, you need to try harder - "I'm guessing you feel strongly about tomorrow because...is that right?" If you can go tomorrow, why not support your W's choice to make it tomorrow and go with her? (another possibility is the timing, was this not a good time to talk when she ignored you, and could you ask her to talk with you about it in an hour or at X time?)

Another question: you aked W if D understands. What do you think? Have you talked to D? Have you suggested having a family conversation so D can ask any questions she might have?

You're trying to get involved, which is good, but questioning her decisions and then backing down (leaving the possibility for a later "I told you so") is still passive. Active, to me, is expressing your needs, hearing hers, and finding the solution that meets the most of both of your needs. Active is supporting her decisions when they don't make a BIG difference (like today vs tomorrow). Active is not expecting her to have all the answers - share your observations, if you don't have any then seek them out, and asking for her observations.

I hope this is helpful for you to see some patterns in this interactions, but I'm so sorry for what you're going through too.

If you have a vet's opinion about your dog's prognosis and you both agree with it, the other details are all in finding out and meeting the needs of your dog, your D, your W and you.