W is moving out.....life goes on...

[In_Shock]

Ok -- let me break down the whole TRUST thing that has permeated this thing. First of all, I got really religious on W for a few years early on in the R. She felt abandoned by me (even though I never knew because she went to church, read the bible with me at night, did devotionals, led church worship, etc...) I thought she was right there with me. Well, in most Christian churches, gay people are not accepted so we were closeted. At some point some nosy women from the church confonted us - 'fired' us from our jobs as worship leader (W - who is a great singer :)) and me as a sunday school teacher. They pretty much told us we were going to hell, etc.....

At that point they told W she needed to move out. They believed I was controlling (I'm very quiet believe it or not and at that time 2005 even more shy) So W's mom had told them I was controlling W, wouldn't 'let' her have friends, etc... NOT TRUE. As I've said before I kind of relied on W to make friends and then I latched on to them... my own fear of people. I was built up to be a real pariah in the eyes of these people.

I had a choice to make. Did I want to stay with W or stay with the church? I went into scholar mode- studied, etc... I had been questioning for a long time, but then I confirmed it. I had developed into an agnostic. This was not a FAST transformation inside. It had been coming. The church confrontation just pushed it to the top.

I told W I truly loved her, was sorry she felt abandoned and I would make it up to her. We had a renewal in our R that was amazing. We even got the butterflies, lol, when we would see each other at night after work... a couple of years== fantastic.

Our R was so strong we bought a home in 2006 and adopted S in 2007.

That religious story is the BIG thing that W brings up in terms of trusting my changes. But I've been consistent with that one since 2005....it's 2011!!!!

Other trust/change thing is when we first got together we kind of 'bickered' a lot. My family does that. it's meaningless, and the way we relate I guess..lol. W was upset by that, told me -- and I STOPPED. made a conscious decision to stop bickering. She now tells me that shows that i can change on a whim....HMMMMMMM It wasn't easy -- very conscious choice, made out of love and to improve our R.

I'm just throwing all this out there because any perspective helps me process. She also complained to her mom that I didn't do enough around the house --which i really did quite a bit, but I guess not enough. one of my 180's has been to do even more things and without being asked.

She told me also that I put work, my writing, my doctoral program, my aging mother before her and S. I can see that now. I do think I spent too much time pursuing my goals and things and didn't spend enough time nurturing the R.

The problem is NOW the things she wanted me to do before in terms of putting her first would be pursuing. I'm just rambling. Processing, as I said. Wondering if all R's are so damn difficult. Hoping I can win back my W and have a chance to make it all up to her because she is a wonderful, kind, generous person who I do love with all my heart. Hoping I can keep watering the grass on my side and OW will fade.....

Thanks for reading all my ponderings. Writing helps...