W is moving out.....life goes on...

[In_Shock]

Journaling about the day:

Today W and i took S to the zoo for his 4th bday. *i've been calling him 4 for a while b/c he practically was*

It was a mixed bag. We ended up having not quite a R talk but talk about things. She told me she has noticed my changes but she does not trust them. One of her complaints, as I've said before, has been that I change on a whim so to speak. Such as going from being religious to not, from bickering to not, etc.... What she doesn't realize is that my changes are all long processes and not overnight.


Including these changes of the past few months.... I told her that I understand that she has to do what she has to do now, and tht I'm trying to back off and give her space.

She says she thinks I'm missing the point. I said, 'what is the point?" She says "that i'm done. I am not going to have a R with you again."

Instead of being completely detached though unfortunately i told her I still would ideally like for us to be together to raise S. I said I don't want the OLD relationship, rather I want us both to have time to grow and perhaps start over one day.

Somehow we went around in a few circles and she said she thinks my changes are wonderful. She wonders why I wanted reassurance from her that I'm changing. *i didn't think i did, but she's perceptive andi guess she picked up on it. * I told her i am in a good place *LIE* that I'm calm inside and that I'm learning that the only thing i can control is me and my actions (truth). I did ask if she would trust my changes and that if they were long standing, would she trust me again. She was kind of - yeah, I guess....

She did reiterate that the OW isn't the problem with us (she also says there is no 'us') that it is she doesn't trust my changes and that i've hurt her so many time in `13 years. I validated....I said I will never hurt you again, if Im ever given the chance to be with you again. She said, no because i won't let you....

She also thinks I'm interested in a girl I work with - and I got the feeling she hopes I am.... W said she is glad I feel that i can do my thing and she can do hers.... BUT in reality you guys know i am NOT interested in anyone and want so badly to save the M....

THEN i find out she's made plans to take S to OW's next weekend for a hayride.. I am NOT ok with that.....NOT OK. She said, oh, it wont be like i'm f'ing her in front of him....blah blah blah......SICKENING.

I'm really sad. MIL and FIL and my mom are coming for S's cake and ice cream later tonight. I'm just a wreck. What to do? How badly did I do? Did i just talk too much instead of just continuing to let her see the changes??

I'm depressed and really don't know what to do next. The OW and S next weekend thing just knocked whatever wind was in my sails out.