I've noticed that myself in others R. I think you've hit on something with the low self esteem and feeling of unworthiness. I think on some level they really understand what they are doing to their families and LBS. How could one feel GOOD about oneself while destroying a family for very *usually* flimsy reasons???
I think part of the reason for the downgrade is they are shooting for lower expectations because they don't feel they can fulfill our expectations. They have convinced themselves the reasons are totally legitimate and are not at all flimsy.
I think if anything you backslid a bit on the DB'ing. Don't beat yourself up about it. We ALL backslide from time to time. You know what you need to do. I think you have a good attitude about it. Today is a new day. Start fresh today and get back on track.
Originally Posted By: In_Shock
I want to be able to detach and move on easily like the WAS.
You know this is pure fiction, don't you? The WAS's world is not anything like they portray it is. Make your world better than the WAS. You can do it by continuing to work on yourself and be the best IS you can be. Like I've told some other folks here. I rather be in your shoes than the WAS.
WOW!!!! What a great post for all of us, Rick!! thanks!
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
As I understand it, the need to avoid "ILY" is because it is seen as 'pressure' on the WAS. So.. there are ILY and there are ILY.
That said, probably best to err on the side of caution.. but it happens. In my own sitch, I've said it more than a couple times.. usually followed with "But that doesn't mean we have to be together" In this sense, it becomes a validation of your own feelings without any expectation of reciprocity on their part.
Are you familiar with Heidi Grant-Halvorson's work at all? She summarizes nicely the impact of pre-loading decisions before you need to make them - essentially delegating to the unconscious mind. Might be worth peeking at.
If you think about the WAS's motivations -- they must have some strong internal pressures moving them in the directions they go in. Are you sure you would want to be feeling that?
Keep in mind that they have their own subjective experience where their reasons appear very meaningful for them at that time... not to mention plenty of 'work' at rationalizing their behaviors.
Not to say that what we feel isn't important, or that we are wrong for thinking their reasoning is flimsy.. (I think it often is flimsy, short-sighted, selfish, and born out of ignorance).
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
In Shock - just dropping by to offer my support. Looks like your W is following the script to a "t". As 25 rightly pointed out, in some ways this makes things easier for you. Just keep being the better option right now and stay true to yourself - make the changes you know are necessary in your R but remain honest to the core principles that make you "you" ...the ones that uniquely define you.
In my case, my H has "downgraded" to his small-town, provincial high school girlfriend. What a "breath of fresh air", I guess, from me - the mother of his children who has worked for national news outlets, started a national nonprofit organization after our daughter was sick that now serves families all over the country, and has battled and beaten breast cancer twice before the age of 40 (and all while raising two little kids). I'm thinking he must find her simple nature appealing right now, but even my DB coach recently said H may THINK he wants simple now, because simple represents uncomplicated, but he probably won't be satisfied with "simple" in the long run. I'm not a vain or overconfident person, but I know my H and I know what he likes -- what he likes to talk about, what is important to him, his intelligence level -- and I know, just KNOW, that I am the better option. So I am working on me, making the changes I know need to be made to improve our R, and letting him figure out the OW "downgrade" truth himself.
thanks to all of you who checked in! I truly appreciate it. I will check on all of you as well later on today.
Taking s to the zoo tomorrow with W (hopefully) Last time we went he was pretty tired and kind of scared of some of the animals. He is bigger now, and should really enjoy it.
My DB coach had previously told me that getting W involved in fun family activities, dinner, games, etc.... would be a good thing. It works to some degree - but one night W made a comment that I was trying to make us into the "brady bunch" or something. LOL. But she does sit down and eat dinner with S and I at least 2-3 times per week and she and I go out still once a week ourselves. Those are positives.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
My DB coach had previously told me that getting W involved in fun family activities, dinner, games, etc.... would be a good thing. It works to some degree - but one night W made a comment that I was trying to make us into the "brady bunch" or something.
This is to be expected. She's "bucking against the changes". Having family time, especially if it's awesome, doesn't provide any positive reinforcement to her actions that are currently hurting the family.
So rather than looking at herself.. she made her brady bunch comment. Remember when she makes those statements, what the real truth is.. and let the water roll of your back.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Val you are right. When we have fun with S, I know it's got to be making her wonder if OW really is worth it. At least I hope that's what she's thinking....
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
