WAH bringing over divorce papers

[Long_Way_To_Go]

I appreciate your comments--they are very helpful. I hate to harp on the money aspect, but frankly it is all I feel I have control over. I would give it all up to have a chance to work on our marriage. It's just frustrating that he has gotten everything he wanted during this (space, time, fun, excitement, travel, OW, etc. without a word from anyone about how selfish he has been acting) and I have gotten none of what I wanted--just a chance (only a chance, not a complete recommitment to our marriage) to work on some of our issues. He gave it a chance for 4 weeks while still in contact with the OW, not exactly the best circumstances for reconciliation.

I appreciate the sounding board on this and feel free to give it to me if you think I'm completely off base--I can handle it. I'm trying to prepare for this conversation with him this weekend and if I am way too angry and hurt to be logical, I need to know.

[Valeska19]

Yes I think you are definitely angry and hurt. Now are you too hurt to be logical.. I don't know. What do you think? You know yourself better than I?

My wife dropped the d-bomb in July and by August she wanted to start mediating. For some reason.. it kept getting pushed. An email didn't go through, our mediator wasn't available, I got on a job (I work 12-14 hrs a day in my field).

I truly believe God was protecting me because I wasn't ready. I was too angry, too hurt, too weak to handle it (IMO) Now all of our schedules opened up and we are going to meet next week.

I'm trying to have faith that now is the time even though I still don't feel 100% ready. Am I still afraid my emotions are going to get in the way?? D@mn skippy.. I am. But I am going into with the mindset that I will listen, be fair to myself and my w. That's the woman I want to be in all of this.

Will I make mistakes during this D.. I'm sure of it. I'm a human being who has been greatly hurt, rejected. I have feelings!!

I don't expect perfection from myself.. but I try to keep reminding myself of the woman I am becoming. It helps me screw up less..

So What mindset do you have going into this process? How can you make it through this being the woman only a fool would leave?

[adinva]

Maybe it'll help to think of it like this: if you get justification that you've been hurt and poorly treated, will that make you feel stronger and more in control of your destiny? Will it make him wake up and change? Not likely. If you let go of caring about the unfairness and just deal with the cards as you're dealt them, is there more of a downside or less of a downside?

Focusing on where you're trying to get to will help you get out of the victim and punitive mentality, and you will appear stronger and more attractive.

Been there, done that...with the PMA I'm practicing, no one is feeling sorry for me. When I catch myself wishing for a pity party I ask myself the same questions I asked you.

[MrBond]

Right now you want vengeance which is totally understandable. We all have felt that way. You want to see him writhe and wiggle over hot flames. Unfortunately that's not going to happen. Or at least not by tomorrow.

IMHO here's what you need to do.

Write down what YOU want in the settlement. Time to stop thinking about him and just about you. Put in enough so that you will be taken care of. Regardless of what you request he will be angry. It all comes down to control. He says he wants control of his life. That's fine. But in doing so, he has to understand that he has NO control over you.

DO NOT compromise on what you feel you are entitled to just to appease him because you want him back. If things go through you will be at the short end of the stick. If you have time, consult with a L your options. If you don't have time to do that, then tell him that you are postponing the meeting until you get legal counsel.

He will not like that, but you know what? Tough. Like he says, it's all about him. Well you have no control over that, but you do have control over your actions.

Most importantly, don't let him drive the crazy train. He's been in charge all this time. And now it's time for you to take the wheel of this situation. You are NOT HELPLESS remember that. Even if you need to funnel your anger into action, do it. Just don't let the fear get the best of you. Rise above him.

These are the consequences of his actions. That's what he has to understand. Consequences. Not to punish, but it's a result of what his actions have caused. Stand firm and strong. There's no need to argue with him, however he gets unruly, don't be afraid to walk away. Think of him as a child in a candy store. He knows what he wants and if he doesn't get it, what do children do? They throw a tantrum and blame you for it. Don't fall into that trap. YOu are the adult here. Remember that.

[gunny]

LWTG,
I feel for your sitch. I am in very similar sitch. W and I went to see mediator the other day. Very are very amicable, she is adamant about moving away to Ohio. The mediator said that since we have no kids, no liabilities, and only assets, if it was him, he would file for d on his own, which we can do in my state, NJ. My understanding is that we have to be sep for 6 months,(until recently this was 18 mos).

W agreed that I could file. So, the onus is on me to do the dirty work and I am in no hurry to file, told her so, and she said she isnt either, althoug she is still moving. So, like you, I am torn.

Looking at your sitch, like Valeska, I ask what is to be gained by looking at option 2? If you still feel you want to be amicable in future, and even after d you think there is chance to rec, why push it. It seems either option 1 or 3 are your choices, and if you choose 3, is this going to pour gas on the fire? If option 1, I have read on this forum in a couple of differnt places that once MLCER or WAS has pressure of marriage off their backs, sometimes they become friendlier and more open to friendship. These are questions you will have to think long and hard over. Like you, I am getting near the point where I will have to start thinking about them also.

Hang in there!!

[gunny]

Rick,
In my divorce support group I am membre of, the experienced members who either are divorced or sep and nearing div have told me that you must be sep 6 mos before you can file, but the 6 mos date can be any date you and s agree upon, iow it could be a made up date.Did she discuss a date with you?

What part of jersey are you in? Sorry that you are here, I am also sep 3 mos June 20th, right near your date,(we also are still in same home) wife is leaving at end of Oct to move to Ohio with sister. I'm sure you agree, the sitch is no fun,


I will read up on your sitch to become more familiar, hang in there!