Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[Bagheera]

And interesting how none of you has even asked about emotional affairs?! Am I feeling a whif of bible-belt sexual morality here? ...

Thanks for making my only few outlets sound tawdry. What do you suggest? That I sit in a church and pray away the desire while trying to solve the problem?

These statements are a red herring. Never once have I suggested that you stop masturbating; heck, I do it myself from time to time and I have a decent sex life now. What I did ask, quite explicitly, is that you stop all of the 'extramarital shenanigans' (the "open marriage", FWB arrangements, and strip club visits) that you CLAIMED or IMPLIED that you were having during your first year on this forum, and voraciously defended your choice to have, in page after page of discussion. Likewise, my suggestion that you tear up the Playboy calendar was not because I have anything morally against such a calendar (I've had them myself in the past, pre-Internet). I suggested tearing it up and tossing it as a symbolic gesture to your wife, signifying that you were no longer looking outside of the marriage for meeting your sexual needs -- that you wanted only her.

Garbage In - Garbage Out (GIGO), SSMGuy. You will never get sound advice from the folks on a forum like this one UNLESS you are honest and accurate in the story that you tell us. Otherwise, you are wasting everyone's time -- yours and ours.

At this point, I strongly suspect that your primary purposes in being here are partly to vent, but also to meet and talk to those 'HD women' that you are so fascinated with and keep asking us about. Along those lines, your claims to be in an "open marriage" and seeking "FWB arrangements" amounted to a bit of trolling on your part, with those 'HD women' you wanted to talk to in mind.

Here's something from another old post of yours (#1887526 - 2009-12-06 01:53:26)

The very best of our couples therapists told me privately that he had counseled thousands of couples, and that I just needed to know that the chances that I could ever make this marriage work the way I wanted to was "unlikely" in his experience. Not impossible, but it was fair for me to know it was "unlikely", even with the best effort.

And that's a tough reality to accept. But he seems to have been right. I've got things back pretty good as a relationship between us, but this might be as good as it's ever going to get.

Did you honestly expect us to tell you differently? There are NO magic bullets here.

The only real leverage that you have in getting your wife to face her SA issues and develop her own sexuality is for *you* to set a firm boundary and stick with it on this issue ("I will be in a relationship that includes sexual and emotional intimacy. Period.") That's what we've been telling you, consistently, for two years now. The only way that she will decide to make the extremely uncomfortable choice of returning to therapy and working her sexual issues is if her only other choice is even more uncomfortable: the loss of her relationship with your entirely. If she has any other choices, easier choices, then she won't make the hard one of working the issue.

All of our other advice (GAL, stopping the infidelity or your aspirations toward infidelity, learning to really meet your wife's needs fully in this marriage, etc.) has been primarily aimed at putting YOU in the best possible position, both in your own eyes and hers, such that when you do state your firm boundary, and mean it, that she will be most likely to choose working the relationship over separation.

As long as you remain unwilling to set a firm boundary for *yourself* and your own happiness, she will remain as she is and your relationship will remain as it is.

It's a hard, hard choice, I know and I've been there. But there are NO easy ones in this case.

-- B.