PLEASE!!! Need help quick! Calling all vets!

[25yearsmlc]

sidenote story--but relevant I think.

My h has a bf from childhood who is a Vietnam vet. He's older than my h by maybe 6-7 years and just as h was in high school, this big brother figure got sent to Vietnam....FYI--h's father, (my fil) was also sent to Vietnam, for his 3rd combat tour. FIL had been an enlisted marine, and then became an officer, and as a LT, he lost more than half his squad..

Big bro had combat too, but he changed his whole personality in that one tour.
Both men returned. Unlike my fil, whom I"ve known over
In 30 years of m and has told maybe 3 war stories.

h's "big bro" talked to us about the war, every single time he called.

That was fine b/c h and I are both veterans and don't mind listening. The point was

Big bro changed from the helpful big bro figure of my h's youth, into an angry bitter drunk. He envied h to an ugly degree. He made passes at me when my h wasn't around (often) and he was vulgar and pushy about it too.

The "big bro" guy had become resentful of my h for not serving (h was only 15) he resented h for going to and finishing college, then med school. Big bro resented that h and I were married and had w3 kids.

Big bro was SO bitter that no woman would ever be trusted by him, so he never had a lasting relationship with one. I KNOW he was lonely but he was simply too damaged to be healthy enough for ANY r to last....

I guess you could say he had an excuse but so what? What woman wants to fall on her sword for "the cause"....??

But h worshipped big bro!!

Bottom line was, that no matter what the "big bro" character did, my h was still loyal to him. If they had once dated, I'd call it "still in love with" big bro.

Even when his friend seemed to be veering "off" and his stories got too weird and contradictory to understand let alone believe...h held on that HIS BUDDY was still in there and would return if he got some rest or just had friends around...

I hinted that his friend wasn't the most loyal of friends (the sexual remarks towards me were out of my league in terms of crazyiness and pushiness) but that so hurt and upset my h that I could not bear to tell him that his big brother figure was an real POS....constantly harassing me when h was not around, putting my h down too! H was his best friend if not his ONLY friend!!

I told my sister and she said "Big bro is sick. And YOU are sick to keep engaging him at all..." So I stopped altogether. I "surrendered" the friend to h and hoped they could somehow help big bro or that h could let go of his old long gone friend.

To this day h admires the hero his friend ONCE WAS....but that hero of his, took his own life about 2 years ago.

And h thinks maybe it "wasn't really suicide".....(it was...OMG....)

My point Tad....is that all my h can see is what his friend once meant to H.

Even if the viewpoint of the past is accurate, people Do change.

And that's assuming that my h didn't miss a few flaws in the first place.

But literally, my h's big bro friend is now GONE....and there are nights h still won't accept that.


Tad, whoever your w used to be, she's gone now.

We don't know if she'll come back but it is physically possible at least.

But I put up with a lot of bad behaviors from someone pretending to be my h's friend...out of my misplaced belief it was best for h (I still don't know if what I did was right but it felt more loving than telling the whole truth to h....)

And h's trust and belief in his friend was certainly misplaced....

H wasted time trying to overlook and help that disloyal and bitter man his friend had become...a man so torn inside he even mistreated his only true friend, my h.

And my h's attempts to help, didn't even help in the end.

Let your wife go and stop spending ANY energy on what she's thinking or doing now. Do it for 90 day increments til it either changes, or it gets easier.

That is all the advice I have for you Tad, b/c you have heard all this before many many times.

it's not that You don't KNOW what to do...you KNOW. Now you have to DO it.

((( )))