Finally confronted H on affair...Now what????

[Queen_of_Swords]

Dear keep_going,

I think I was unclear about my approach with H regarding taking care of him. I always just offer him things - would he like some dinner, pain meds, etc. Even when he called me saying he was in the hospital, I thought very carefully of my approach.
a) Why was he calling ME and telling me about being in the hospital?
b) how should I react

It's so great you're not just reacting but actually thinking about how YOU want to respond to be authentic to yourself. Kudos.

Unfortunately, I attend to his needs, and later he will treat me badly or rudely (at least in my mind, because he never feels he treats me rudely), and therefore, I end up getting mad at myself for putting myself in that position.

Ok, as I see it and in your example that you posted. You have requested pleasantly that your H NOT text OW while he's with you. Great.
Problem is there is no action that you take if he DOES.
You've set a boundary without a consequence.

As another poster mentioned, state your boundary AND what your action will be if he crosses it. Then DO it. Follow through.

"H, I feel diminished, dismissed and disrespected when you text OW when I'm with you. If you do it again I will simply get up, say goodbye and leave."

DBing is great in theory, but soooo hard in real life. How do you act as if, when he is tearing your heart all the time and is completely unaware of it?

Yep it is hard. Something that makes it a little easier is to see your H's behavior as childish behavior. If you can reframe it and see a two or three year old doing the same thing that gives you an edge in how to deal with it. You sure wouldn't let a kid get away with some of the garbage he's pulled now would you?

I am also upset about enabling him - for example - nobody at his office even knows we are separated and it's been almost NINE months! (he says his boss will use it against him and accuse him of being "distracted" - H is having a lot of problems at work).

Forgive me if this comes off a little strong, but this isn't YOUR problem, it's HIS.
IMO, you've taken on a burden that is not yours to carry.

He created the situation as it now stands. He's sleeping with an OW.
Let him handle it. You have nothing to hide or be ashamed of, he does and you don't need to protect him. He's not a child but a grown man.

Even with my MIL - whom I love dearly it's complicated. She also doesn't know anything about OW, yet H has asked her to babysit for him when it's his turn to watch the kids next weekend, so he can go up north to see OW for her birthday. I have no idea what excuse he gave her, but MIL thinks I leave her poor son alone with the 3 kids so I can go have fun (never mind this is the ONLY time I have for myself all week...) I have not said anything to her or anyone in his family - so I am enabling him to continue lying to them while he makes me look like a bad wife. He is slowly changing the story... and I will end up looking like the bad guy

Yeah my MIL doesn't know the score either, and I've not had any contact with her in over two years. I haven't an earthly what STBX has said to her, but I did see an email title that said "Wife left you" from MIL.

In fact I'm sure his entire side of the family believes that in this drama I wear a black hat and have a black heart to go with it.

Do I give a rip what she (or they) thinks? Not really. Why?
If she really gave a damn she'd have phoned and found out both sides of the story.
The likelihood is she's not interested in finding out my side as it would be painful to her to recognize that her son left his wife just as she was left by her son's biological Dad.

(Yes, STBX's father ran away from home when my STBX was around the age of my youngest child. History repeats itself and we revisit the pain we experienced as children on our own far too often)

Fact is STBX is her son and she as his mother will take his side right, or wrong.
Oh well. Not my issue. Yeah it hurts to know that after 26 years she can't be bothered to drop a dime, but it's her loss in more ways than she can possibly imagine.

I wish I could take some time off - maybe not see him for a few days, but that is impossible with our kids. I need some distance and detachment - I cannot seem to get there on my own yet

You can arrange not to see him if you so wish it might take some effort and thinking out of the box.

The question then becomes how badly do you want it?

Can you drop the kids off somewhere neutral where he can then pick them up, while you watch from a safe distance?
Can you arrange a proxy to do that for you? A friend, a sister a brother to stand in your place while the swap is made?
Perhaps use MIL's house as the neutral ground for the swap? (semi evil grin here)

My heart hurts for you. I know how hard this is. Just suggestions for you to ponder, you'll find your way.