Yes Aeo.. I do tend to talk with much openness and insight. More so now in the past 11 months. I think that has alot to do with now having safe environments.. with my friends and family. I find this board very safe which is probably why I talk about things so deeply.
Yes I am definitely grieving and it is extremely painful. Other than my dad leaving (in which I chose to be soo angry I didn't feel anything) I've never really experienced loss. I guess this is what one feels when you decide to not run away from your feelings.
I haven't really given much thought to grieving the 'old val'.
because when I think about the old Val.. it makes me angry.. at myself and at w.
I hate the fact that she (old val) was so negative. That she didn't enjoy life. That she felt she was "right" because being right meant she didn't have to work on herself.
She was very selfish. Not so much in her m but towards other people. She only invested in certain people instead of showing grace and love to everyone. She thought love had to be earned instead of just giving it w/o expectations.
I hate the fact that she had no self-esteem. That she allowed someone to rob her of her self-worth. That she soo desperately seeks love from someone who can't give it.
I hate that my w help create this person. I hate that my w still tries (although not purposefully) to keep old val alive.. the same way I do.
In alot of ways I'm glad to see the old val go. Changes such as self-esteem, being positive, showing love has been a long time in the works, but it's nice to finally see it having a positive impact on my life.
The parts of the Old Val that hang on now are much harder to get rid of.
I've been hanging out my with my friends and pastor. I just needed to be surrounded by love this week. I can sit there and say that my w and I shouldn't really be together.
I need to learn to love myself and not have my self-worth dependent on her opinion of me.
How I don't need to be with someone who put me down so much that I believed her. I'd rather make excuses for her that she had a rough childhood and had no self-worth.. as if it made it right that she projected her lack of love and self worth on me.
I see it.. but the old val hangs on. Whispering in my ear not to give up because I can change and so can my w. Twisting truths into false hopes that I believe so I don't drop the rope - in turn letting go of both her and my w. Whispering - "If you can both change.. you stand a chance"
And that MAY be true.. one day.. but right now it's not. So holding on to something that doesn't currently exist is because I am scared. Fearful of losing the woman who has been so close to my heart.. Not my w - Old Val.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
