Get me off this crazy ride!

[adinva]

Hi again. You need to observe what works and do more of that. Since he seems pretty open to communicating, you might try a conversation about his EA and find out what it is about that that makes him feel good, what needs did he have that weren't being satisfied in the marriage. The more you make him feel like he's crossed a line and can't come back, the farther he'll drift. If you can talk rationally about it, with understanding for his point of view, the more he may feel like it's possible to come back. There's a H on this forum who had an amazing conversation about his wife's A...he basically said he understood that these things happen and let's explore why, without judging her, but without saying it was AOK with him either.

Guilt, pressure, and people telling him he's wrong, could send him running or make him dig in his heels, so I wonder if the twice weekly pastoral counseling is helping you both understand each other better or if it's you and the pastor figuratively beating him over the head. In that case, maybe you could ask him if he really wants to go or if he'd rather you just went yourself for prayer and support. Maybe suggest he not go, if it's not helping. The point is, if it's not having a good effect, even if it's free it might not be worth doing.

Work on yourself, make yourself feel better, know that you will be OK, and not just OK but better after this. Hopefully he will see you radiate calm confidence, peace, mystery and progress and he'll be drawn to that. (I'm in the process of figuring this stuff out, not saying it's easy or that I do it consistently!)

If you don't have resources for pro counseling, there are lots of good books out there to help yourself - do you have access to a library? You'll find books mentioned on these forums, and I've mentioned a bunch that my therapist recommended. Sven Wahlroos's Family Communication was great for learning lots of different ways people damage their relationships and how to do things a better way. Of course DR is highly recommended on these forums - I'm waiting for my copy. In your situation Keeping Love Alive might be even more appropriate (I haven't obtained this but there is a forum here on that subject).

Try verbal communication if he responds to your advances like a statue. That doesn't sound like he's receiving the physical affection you're sending his way. How about after a good conversation you say thanks, you feel really close to him because of the conversation, and would he mind if you gave him a hug? Get his permission and be ready to take a no with a good attitude. You need to know what he is REALLY feeling and he needs to let you know. This is hard for a guy who might not even know what he's feeling, he's been burying it. He should not be pretending and "trying" to allow you to repair the stated problem. These husbands who don't say what they're really feeling and then leave out of resentment are so frustrating! I'm not to the point where I can even touch my husband yet, but my research into boundaries gave me the "ask permission" idea - you may be violating his physical boundary (where it is right now, maybe not in the past and maybe to change in the future) and he may not be aware or willing to state that. I don't know, just trying out some ideas for you to consider.

Hang onto your crazy ride and read others' stories so you can be confident that you'll be OK, and get some perspective. Good luck to you! Keep posting here and you'll get support.