...So, either the above statements are true and you are now trying to back away from them, OR it is really all just a fantasy that you've been feeding us: that you *want* to have an open marriage and FWB arrangements, but in reality you just masturbate to porn and pay for the occasional strip-club hand-job or lap-dance....
Thank you for helping to focus one of the loose ends that was getting in the way of dealing with the underlying problem, but (depening on ssmguy's answer) can be, as you said, a pre-condition to resolving the underlying relationship problem.
I see very clearling in ssmguy's words that he wants a meaningful romantic and sexual relationship with his wife and that he is struggling with what to do.
My suggestion for him is that the first thing that I needed to do in my SSM, was stop trying to change my wife and work on "fixing me." Making me a better person, who better understood the dynamics of relationships, who was more in control of myself, and who could decide on and make changes in my life that were visible to others.
One of the most important changes was to apologize to my wife and then show her with actions that I loved her, by making her feel loved. Making my W feel loved was very hard for me, as the things that made her feel loved, were completely foreign to me.
Her love languages were much different than mine, but I learned how to communicate that I loved her in a way that she could hear.
That and time (along with help from othes, luck and my wife's decision to change) made the difference.
Again, I want to thank you Bagheera for your incredible post on what helped in your SSM, as it was really inspiring.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
