HI All,

Strangely, the urge to come here to the bb has ebbed considerably, hence my increasing absenses.

I attribute this to the change in the spirit of the R between CJ and I since our recent blow out.

We seem much more connected, there's a greater sense of "us", which is very comforting. It's little things...more touching of the fingers, more cuddling in bed, more joint outings (mostly the house stuff...fun!), more consideration, small acts of kindness.

CJ got a cryptic message from our Doc's assistant....his blood tests were all "fine"....Which is great for the tests for thyroid and diabetes but I'm not sure where that leaves us with the low testosterone explanation for his sex drive/performance issues.

The first step will be getting the actual numbers I suppose. But neither of us has mentioned it (we both heard the message when she left it).

Tonight we are going to play darts at B and J's place. First time in months. I noticed CJ being a tad quiet today, so I took the initiative to tell him a few things.

I prefaced this by saying that I MIGHT be being over sensitive but I wanted him to know that I KNOW that what happened with B that night in Jan 2002 was over the line, wrong, inappropriate AND unacceptable. That NOTHING like it has happened since or before, that things were/are a little awkward with B due to it, discomfort on both ends.

CJ listened, and thanked me. I think it was a good call.

Would we be at this "next level" if we hadn't had that argument? If I hadn't lost it and yelled "Divorce!"?

Sad to say, I doubt it.

I'm also chagrined to admit that today's "talk" was the first addressing of CJ's "issues" since that blow out.

Things have been going so well...it's almost scary to go there right now. Any thoughts on that, folks?

I'm also very aware that CJ's increased effort might be in part based on fear ...I'm not sure how I feel about that ...I do know that I must continue to validate and reinforce these large and small efforts, and how they are contributing to my feelings of contentment and optimism.

How HAVE I been doing so? By initiating more affection...running my fingernails through his hair as I pass his chair...by initiating kisses...with gentle, affectionate teasingBy expressing my appreciation of all stuff he's doing:

Since the spring break painting...he also picked up and hung our new (huge) mirror, Set up our three new awesome lamps, fixed the lock function on the bathroom door, painted more walls in the kitchen...the birds in the yard are being well fed... he built an extension onto my desk in the office so now HE has a perfect work space for his laptop!

Finally the poor guy doesn't have to work on the couch, watch TV on the couch and fall asleep on the couch...that was one of his legitimate gripes. (Mind you the living room is looking so nice it beats the bedroom hands down!)

Isn't it rather cool that we can (and have) sat side by side on our computers?

Initially he had the diningroom chair that was hanging around the office in his workspace...but during my "laps" while he was out the next day, I realized that I had a nice rolling office chair at the diningroom table (where I do some school work and eat lunch).

I switched them around...CJ was pleasantly surprised, hadn't mentioned that chair as he thought I "needed it" to do my work. Not so, it only went there because it didn't fit the office desk for me, and we bought a new one.

I've also just been in good spirits...I'm doing chores like, picking up stuff from Walmart, dusting and vacuuming, and tidying clearly because I WANT to (it's looking so much nicer around here I have more motivation for clearing away the clutter ).

This is MUCH different than that moaning, huffing, sometimes resentful, exhausted martyr who was dragging around the vaccuum last fall when CJ was focussed on his school work.

I asked about his school work yesterday and he said he's "plodding along" with it...he did apply for and had his first interview for a position working on training people to use e-commerce, e-learning...(I'm really amiss here as I did NOT read the position information... ).

As for those "bloody taxes" I've been bitching and moaning about for...four years?...we're just waiting on the check...and folks, it's going to amount to more than my take home pay for the entire last year!!!!

When CJ woke me up to tell me (he'd gotten a call from the tax dude) I gave him a huge hug and kiss and called him "My rich man! ".... and mentioned the comparison to my wages...I think this winfall will help with his feeings of "not contributing financially".

We're planning a NICE dinner out (to our former favourite restaurant, back in the expense account days...loved those out of town business guests ) when the check actually arrives.

As for my 2003 taxes, I'm getting back a whole $6.43 ...could be worse, I could have had to cut THEM a cheque for that amount!

Okay, that's about all I can think of for now.
Interesting how it's all rather circular, eh?

Take good care all

Shiny

P.S. Anyone heard from Pam?


P.P.S. God bless anyone who read this entire Novela...sorry!