New and Suffering

[Bagheera]

Greetings Accuray;

First off, I would like to second Sandi2's post to you. She's giving you a great perspective on where you currently are and the fact that you will have to do most of the work and LEAD the marriage recovery efforts for some time to come if you want to succeed.

Secondly, what YAH said also applies: *keep* yourself and her in individual and marriage counseling, if at all possible. Don't let her wiggle out of it because she feels guilty and doesn't want to face her actions. The truth is, your marriage WON'T be able to move forward *until* the issues of the past are examined, dissected, and dealt with. There are no short-cuts: if you don't deal with these issues now, they *will* come back and bite you in the butt again someday.

You also wrote:

My W claims that the reason she was seeking outside EF's was because she believed we were fundamentally incompatible and that she was left with unmet needs. She said she was afraid to challenge me with it, because I seemed happy with things as they were and she was afraid putting it out there would cause one of us to end the marriage, and she was afraid of forcing that. She didn't think my changing to meet her needs was an option. She now says that my efforts have shown her she can have the relationship she's always wanted, and she doesn't want anything else.

We've been seeing the same therapist individually and sometimes together, and the therapist cautioned me during an individual session recently that my W's explanations are disingenuous, and that she is addicted to the thrill of getting attention, and that she will likely do it again despite my best efforts.

Both what your wife said and what the therapist reported can be true. She may very well feel like her needs (which you haven't really defined here) were not being met, *and* she truly missed and enjoys the thrill of being pursued and courted by a man -- most women do. The fact that it was an extramarital affair makes it particularly exciting because of its 'forbidden' nature, and it involved a man who had *none* of the baggage that you have: he's still all bright and shiny and mysterious, while you're a well known, well worn old shoe; comfortable, but ho-hum.

The challenge that you currently face is this. She's opted to stay...for now...but she's left it up to you to make it worth her while to continue to stay. Also, she has a boat-load of negative perceptions and images about *you* and your short-comings, and she has disappointments and built up resentment regarding you and your previous actions in the M (or lack thereof). In effect, you're starting off right now with a 'negative balance' that has to be overcome for her to start seeing you in a positive light again.

Although my wife had no affairs and I'm the one that promised to leave if our marriage didn't improve, when it came time to start rebuilding my marriage I began in much the same position as you -- with a wife that was skeptical that I would do the work to meet her needs (emotionally, romantically, and family-wise), and who also had too much built-up resentment towards me to do any real work herself for awhile. It took a few months of one-sided, hard work on my part to prove her skeptical views wrong and to start getting her on board and working too (and I was lucky in that it only took that short amount of time).

Based upon my experience, in particular, and this includes the three solid years of counseling that my wife and I went through, the three best things that you can do right now (in my opinion) are:

(1) Keep focusing a lot of your attention on your GAL (get-a-life) activities, and burn off your frustrations through them. Exercise, work-out, pursue your hobbies, pursue your career, please *yourself*. This may sound anti-intuitive, because it's not focusing attention on her and the marriage, but know this: women are attracted to a man who has a *purpose*, who pursues it, and is happy with himself whilst doing it. Making your woman the center of your life and the source of all of your happiness is *unattractive* and a turn-off. Thus, your GAL activities will satisfy you, give you a place to vent your frustrations, and make you look more attractive to your wife. Win-win.

(2) Work to make yourself attractive and desirable. Every married man (and woman for that matter) should continue to act as if they are single and trying to attract the attention of their mate -- this should never stop and should last throughout the marriage. So be aware of and improve your appearance and grooming. Stop any lazy, slovenly habits, and most importantly, stop the hang-dog, sullen behavior -- it's very unattractive. Would you act that way in front of a woman you are trying to coax into a first date? Nope.

I would also advise you to stop digging into your wife's affair activities: it's like constantly picking at a scab and reopening a wound over and over again. Get it out of your system and drop it, and especially, stop asking her about it. If more needs to be done in that area, then bring it up in counseling and let the therapist direct and referee the discussion.

(3) Court your wife again (without expectations of sex). Treat her like a new love interest; get her attention; treat her like a gentleman; give her the thrill of the chase that she was missing so badly. Again, this is something that *all* married couples should continue to do throughout their lives: the old entice, chase, catch, then release to entice and chase again cycle should never stop.

WARNING: do not, do not, do NOT pursue her in what my wife calls 'love-sick puppy-dog mode' -- again, this is very *unattractive*. If you make her the center of *all* of your focus and attention, if your face crumples at the slightest rejection, or conversely, if you do the happy-dog dance at the slightest positive response from her, then you're making a mistake and looking unattractive (and co-dependent). Pursue her as a MAN, and in a manly fashion. Pursue her as a fun game, and one that you can handle losing.

Part of the key here is to not let *your* enthusiasm for the chase / pursuit outstrip hers by TOO much (a hard line to walk). A woman loves a man to be goo-eyes for her and hot on the pursuit trail, AS LONG AS she's she's at least somewhat goo-eyes for him or warming to the notion. But if he's far ahead of her in the love-sick department or worse, she doesn't want him to pursue her at all, then he gets the unattractive "puppy dog" label. IOW, you may have to regulate your courting behavior with regard to your wife, so as to keep pace with her responses. Start easy, start subtle, and be somewhat out-of-character...surprise her.

Hopefully, that's given you some food for thought.

Take care,

-- B.