Hello all, new member here. Been married 16 years, together 20. We have 4 children together under 10. She is the love of my life, always has been and we are each others best friend. Last year my wife had a two month email/phone relationship (August to September) with a guy she had a crush on all through high school. They had met through a freak of chance through her work. I found out when I saw an email she had sent him of her in her underwear. I confronted her and she was devastated, embarrassed and ashamed. She begged me to stay with her and that she'd make it up to me forever. She said it wasnt my fault, I was a fantastic husband and dad, it was just that she'd always wondered if this guy had liked her or not. It was an ego stroke. I was utterly crushed. I did not want us to be apart and I love her so much, but I couldn't let the "affair" go in my mind. For months it haunted me, and I would let her know it a couple times a week when it did. Oddly enough, we connected very deeply as well. My wife and I had fantastic sex, and we were joined at the hips like teenagers. It didn't last long.
Unbeknownst to me, my wife was feeling beaten down by my not being able to let go of her transgression. In her mind it wasn't that bad because it was never physical, and as she says, "it never would have been physical". I now know she would cringe every time I would text her because she was afraid it was me saying I was sad that day. I've gone through all of my old texts, and maybe one in twenty was about my being sad, or the affair- the rest were very upbeat. I guess one in twenty is enough, though, to condition someone to cringe. My wife started to feel less in love with me. In June of this year I was feeling particularly upset about the OP and sent texts to my wife saying I wished I had told the OPs wife so that he had to go through my hell. That sent my wife over the edge and she finally let me have it, saying she didn't like my hateful tone and was afraid I'd never heal. Hearing her pain, oddly enough, caused me to be able to finally forgive her. In the days after, however, I began to feel distance from her.
Our sex life slowed down, her eyes went dim. In July she seemed sad. I asked what was wrong and she said she didn't feel any love rush for me. She said that she hoped it would return if I just gave her space. She said she didn't feel like having sex until she was better- she didn't want to "fake it". We cried and hugged and I agreed to give her space. We continued to live as a happy couple, laughing etc., but not intimate touching. She would not discuss counseling or any outside help as she thought she just needed to "cool off". She assured me there was no one else.
Two weeks ago, suspecting something was amiss, I went into her work bag and found a thumb drive. I put it into my computer and found pictures of the OM from last year. The drive had been created this past February while I thought we had been fine. I knew the old pictures had been destroyed, so these were new. When she got home I confronted her. Yes, they had been speaking on the phone again one or two times per week (I verified the records, it was true, they'd speak five or ten minutes, that's it). He had been texting her pictures of himself (some shirtless) which she would throw on the drive. She said she had begun feeling lost and loveless in February so she reached out to him as he was the only other person who knew about the affair (I know, bad). She had been talking to him about us. This time, she had no interest in him other than as a friend. She said her feeling for him last year had been exhausted and she wanted nothing from him nor was she attracted to him. Given the frankness of our discussion that day, I believe her. I was so sad, and felt so betrayed I almost died. She unhappy been unhappy for years and it was about her feeling "broken" inside, not the OM. She agreed to tell the OM that it was inappropriate for them to speak any more. Unfortunately he's still a contractor on a work project until the first week in November.
I had an accident recently (still healing) and my wife has been taking excellent and loving care of me. She cries often (so do I) and tells me she does love me, deeply, and wants to get that "in love" romantic feeling back desperately. She says that she wants "us" back more than anything, and that I've become the husband she's always wanted over the last several months (although she does admit that part of her wonders if I'll just go back to my old ways if she opened her heart back up). She is worried (scared to death more like) that the feelings of "in love" won't return. She says she feels miserable when at home because of all of this and hates hurting me. She's been afraid to go to counseling because she doesn't want to be told there's no hope for us. We have not been intimate since mid-July, though she always tells me she loves me and we kiss good bye and good night.
It turns out that my wife, who's always been so sweet and agreeable has only been that way all of these years because she buries her feelings as resentment rather than argue- a skill she got from a mother that wouldn't tolerate any arguments from her. Apparently my parenting skills and lack of helping her with chores (at least, not my fair share) has caused her to be filled with bitterness that she does not know how to let go of. We read "What You Can Feel You Can Heal" together and for the first time last night she wrote me a "Feeling Letter". I thought it went well, but she said she felt sadness after writing it, not a rush of love (like it says in the book). The first letter was only about a small resentment to start, but still I did feel a little hopeless that she felt not much other than sadness after writing it.
Has anyone here tried this technique? How did it go? Is there hope for us/ my wife to get her love back for me? Any success stories you could share? I seriously thought about flying the both of us out to Colorodo for a face to face with Michele (I think it would help), but cant afford the two day fees (I have four kids!). Has anyone tried a face to face? I feel like I'm dying inside I miss my wife so much.
