Back home - but for how long?

[NYCPeter]

For those of you that want to view my previous thread it's here Previous thread

Quick summary - 4-5 months ago W told me she didn't live love me and she wanted to seperate. She told me that she had felt that way for a long time and as well as long term problems (working too much, being angry all the time, not enough involvement with the girls), recent events such as finding out she had run up $36k worth of credit card debt, W going out after work (she finishes at 1:00am and not coming home till 4:00am had made things worse).

There is no evidence of OM though I am very suspicious of this. I of course have made every mistake under the sun over the last few months - despite the advice of my angels here, I have a habit of putting my foot in it. I have done a number of 180's and more GAL (though this is hard due to work and daughter with CP).

Was I the best father and husband in the world - hell no, but I am doing my darnest to be one now.

Last week on our anniversary - my W reiterated she doesn't love me anymore and that she wanted to seperate. From my perspective things had been getting better, so I am not sure why the sudden change.

I stupidly stormed out - stayed at a friend's place and am back this morning. I met my W midweek and told her I would be coming back.

I have a meeting with a lawyer this PM to go over my options and will be sleeping in the marital bed this evening. Should be an interesting day.

[NYCPeter]

I shouldn't have snooped but did.
Logged into her FB account - two things...

1. She told a young friend (guy 24 years old) - she's happy I moved out last week.
2. She asked another friend for details of a lawyer so she can get the ball rolling.

Devestated.

[~ kd ~]

Figure out how to deal with those emotions internally and here, or in counseling if you have one... or get one if you do not... or even a DB coach if you can afford...

Try your very best not to confront your W with that info you now have... it will not serve you well, at all...

It isn't over until it's over... and if it's over, then it is... and only time will tell you, one way or the other... for you... take care of yourself...

[Rick1963]

Peter

That^^^^ is not DBing and you are making matters worse. Is what you are doing going to push your W further away or closer to you?

I know it is hard, I have snooped too when I never did before. My W bought a 2nd phone after I told her I was looking at the bill and who she was texting and calling. This happened when my stich started. She was really pissed. I found the 2nd phone about 3 weeks ago and looked to see who she is communicating with. I really felt stupid for doing that. I again saw it a few days ago and had the urge but stopped myself. Initially my W hid all of her phones, but latelty she has been leaving them around and I have not snooped. Hang in there

[NYCPeter]

I know it's not DBing - but having the info in front of me helps plan next steps - No?

I won't tell her what I saw - but given this info, I'm not sure that sleeping in the marital bed is even a good idea tonight.

She did such a good job the previous few weeks of putting up a facade that things were getting better. I feel even worse about storming out last week as this has likely triggered these events.

[Rick1963]

Peter

I'm no expert but I have read that one should not leave the marital bed or the house. If you decide to relocate to another room it will be the same as storming out of the house as you did last week. Let her move into a spare room if she wants. Take a deep breath, a walk, and control those impulses. I am very similar, impulsive. Don't confront her with the information.

[Rick1963]

Peter
Accuray posted this elsewhere not sure if you saw it but it is pretty powerful and tells you how to deal with a WAW


quote=Accuray]Hello COG,

I've been reading Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" and it seems to apply directly to your sitch. In the book, he does recommend bringing things to crisis, you should give it a read because he gives a prescription for how to do it, and what to do after the fact. Here's a quote:

"The precipitated crisis first, must be accompanied by an entire change of attitude. Instead of begging, pleading, wringing your hands...you as the vulnerable partner must appear strangely calm and assured. The key word is confidence, and it is of maximum importance. Your manner should say, 'I believe in me, I am not afraid. I can cope, regardless of the outcome. I know something I'm not talking about. I've had my day of sorrow, and I'm through crying..."

"Not that you should say these things with words, or course. In fact, the less said about your frame of mind, the better. It's your private business. One of the great errors made by the vulnerable lover when things begin to deteriorate is to talk too much. His secure partner is noncommunicative, evasive, deceptive, and mysterious. He will not sit down and explain his inner feelings to the one who desperately needs that information."

"I'm recommending that you, the one who has sought to hold the marriage together, now choose your words more carefully too. It is as though you and your mate have been involved in a table game with her hiding her cards and you permitting yours to be seen. This has given the independent partner more information than she should have had, especially about the pain you are experiencing. It is time to be more discreet. No more should you reveal your every thought and plan."

"It is important during this time of crisis not to do predictable things. Having lived with you for years, your partner has you analyzed to a tee. She knows what bugs you, what makes you laugh, and what makes you cry. She has memorized all your little 'prerecorded' phrases that sprinkle your conversation. My advice is that you change these tapes. Don't offer suggestions when you would typically do so. Don't be predictable!"

"Your purpose, you see, is to convince this woman that events are swirling out of control and may take her in directions she has not anticipated. The old rules don't apply. And why is this new mystery advantageous? Because one of the reasons your lover has lost interest in the relationship is that the challenge is gone. It's become so monotonous and routine. Hence, you would be wise to turn the whole thing upside down."

Finally:

"An interesting thing happens when this kind of quiet confidence suddenly replaces tears and self-pity. Curiousity infects the aloof party, and she begins to probe for details. For the first time in months, perhaps, she's coming your way. She's saying 'You seem different tonight,' and 'I hope you're beginning to get over our problems'. She's baiting you to find out what's going on inside. It is uncomfortable for her to observe that changes are occurring which she neither controls nor understands. Tell her nothing. She *needs* to wonder."

It goes on to say that despite your partner's stoic appearance, she will be wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-doubt. There is still a tiny spark for you there, and you have to give it space to kick up into a flame versus smothering it and snuffing it out.

Hope that helps [/quote]

[Accuray]

Thanks Rick1963, I'm glad it was helpful.

NYCPeter, good thing you are getting to the lawyer first! You'll know what your W will hear when she goes. If you don't want to sleep with her in the marital bed, you might suggest that she go sleep in the guest room. Do the sheets in there, straighten up, so it's ready for her to move in -- this will demonstrate compassion, and that you're not making a spur of the moment request. Show some "tough love" and try to do the opposite of what she would predict, then don't explain, or if so, keep it high level.

The hard part is that you'll think your actions are going to push your wife farther away, and that you're just building the case for D. What eventually you need to trust is that the opposite is true. She needs to see confidence and self respect from you, and self respect comes in setting boundaries -- like *you* go sleep in the guest room, and you need to create a challenge for her to get into *your* head and wonder what you're thinking.

WRT snooping, I know most of the DB'ers will tell you don't, and it just makes things worse. That can be very true, and it can also become addicting which is also very bad -- once you start you can't stop. One thing to be aware of with FB in particular is that they have implemented privacy controls whereby your W will likely get an e-mail when her account is accessed. FB is strongly prompting people to turn on login notifications, so be very careful there. I'm not as opposed to doing some investigative work as most -- I've needed to know what I'm up against. Your cards have been on the table and hers have not. If you can get some insight into where things stand, sometimes your DB'ing can be more effective, or if OM is involved, you will realize that NOTHING you are doing right now is going to work other than precipitating a crisis / confrontation, and that can go very wrong.

Realize however that it is a violation of privacy and a violation of trust, and come to terms with what you're doing, why, and what your limits are. If your W has been unfaithful then it's easier to rationalize that trust is already broken, but if not, tread carefully!

Accuray

[NYCPeter]

Well my W didn't come home before work - no real suprise there, I didn't really expect her to. So guess she'll see me tonight in the marital bed and decide where she is going to sleep (or more than likely decide not to come home at all).

Had a good chat with the L - I understand where I'll be financially, but he says at max she'll see 50% of my salary for CS and alimony - more likely closer to 40%. This at least reassures me I'll be able to find a home that my girls can come to - so that's one less issue I need to worry about.

Not sure how she expects to survive on 40% of my salary, she'll rely heavily on her parents for support. God I hope it doesn't come to this - it's all so unnecessary.

[Accuray]

It will be good for her to understand that 40% is what she can expect. That's not a reason to stay together by itself, but it's certainly motivation to try to make it work!