Hi all,

Yes things HAVE been better since that day. We are more affectionate in general, CJ's been more considerate, he left me a love note in the medicine cabinet today!

KAW, here's some of my journalling from that night:

Feb 22, 2004-02-22

It has been almost a year since the revelation that OW was still involved with CJ.

My spring break is coming to a close.

Emotions have been running high.

Instead of the tropical vacation, we planned and executed some home updates. It was fun picking out paint, flooring…hard work prepping, good team work all around.

Then mid week we both got sick...CJ worse than I.

Flash to Saturday…we’re both still sick, not quite as bad as before. I’m feeling bummed about my holiday being nearly over (had some school prep to do), bummed about the argument, (about me "mocking" him when he was sick) bummed about the anniversary looming, fresh emotions surfacing due to the book on healing from infidelity that I’d just picked up at Chapters.

So when CJ asked what was bothering me…I mentioned all of the above. Told him I thought the book would be helpful to him too, as it describes nearly perfectly the slippery slope he rode toward his A’s, as well as how to recover and have a better M.

I asked him a few ?’s from the book….such as “What did you say to yourself that made what you did OK?” and “Did you think of me or the ramifications at all?”

It was raw, but we were talking.

Then CJ (prehaps feeling under attack?) says he needs to know one thing…that he didn’t believe it BUT friend J had told him a twisted version of something that was said by me to her H on that fated night in Jan '02 when I drank wine and sambuca .

It was one of the many nights that CJ stayed home (talking to OW) while I went out on my own…vulnerable, hurting, wounded, NEEDING to feel attractive and worthwhile. Dangerous ground.

The conversation around the bar at the party turned to who of our group of friends would we pick as lovers if we had to…a hypothetical question that had come up over dinner with CJ and I months earlier while watching a sitcom with this premise….B (J's H) told me it was me for him, but that he figured all the girls would want R ( a younger better looking pal)…I said “No, B, I’d pick you”…

Now, gulp, this WAS the night this same "pal" gave me an extra long kiss goodnight. (Which CJ's known about for a year).

Were these comments and actions out of line? YES…Have they been repeated before or since then? NO…No NO!!! It was wrong... (Now THIS, I'm sure is something CJ wanted to hear at the time, but I was rather mad...)

What got me riled up was HOW CJ brought this up and queried it:

“Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t tell B you want to sleep with him!”

What is this “look me in the eye” crap? It’s an interrogation, an assumption of guilt…

Made ME feel like I’D cheated!!! When at the time CJ WAS cheating and lying and treating me like SH!T!

So the argument escalated beyond all comprehension.

CJ spoke of his own “needs/concerns” being buried under the sins of his Affairs…What? For nearly a year it was ALL about HIS feelings, MY wrong-doings and dammit I CHANGED those things, made real progress.

(Note from the present: MUST follow up with CJ on what he meant by that comment...RED FLAG!!!)

He brought up again just how BAD I was to him before the A’s…very obvious that I have NOT been forgiven, nor does he feel that I acknowledge how nasty I could be. But I did and DO…not only by apologizing and empathizing, writing letters, but most importantly by NO LONGER following that path (to the best of my ability, and that's been pretty damned good!).

CJ said that he’d been working on my “needs”…hadn’t he? He'd kept his word to not cheat anymore, right? (my GOD that’s the rock bottom requirement for me being here and I told him so)…

...Hadn’t he been doing more around here? Well…yes…but it took phone calls from the government to get the taxes from 2000 almost sent out…he’d spent loong hours every day on his course from July to Dec…


(Note from the present...VALIDATE!!!!! )

So here I really blew it by minimizing our latest efforts, saying “so you painted a few walls”… : But that’s how I felt in that moment...the anger was THERE!!

I felt "What’s that compared to feeling LOVED by a LOVER???"

I told him that B’s kiss made my knees buckle and I hadn’t felt anything like that in a LONG LONG time.

cj was bawling at this point, saying he felt like a fool, that everything he’d done for the last year was pointless, that he and THIS felt JUST like he/IT did before, that I hadn’t changed but was just bottling up all this bitterness and rage… ...Yes we were both yelling by this time.

I was FLOORED …ONE argument, one “back slide” and he thinks it’s all over, all a sham?

And then I did it…. I yelled that if he really felt that way then “Why don’t we just get a DIVORCE!”

…He answered “why NOT!”…but then stumbled to the bathroom where he wretched and sobbed.

I was dressed to go out…we had been planning a dinner out…I ALMOST left in anger…but I couldn’t. I love him, and he was suffering because of my words.

I helped him up, sat on the couch and told him I should never have mentioned the “D” word. His breath caught in his throat.

The rest of the conversation is a bit sketchy.

I remember CJ telling me that when I spoke the D word, he felt like his insides were being ripped out. He told me that he is beyond sure that he wants to spend the rest of his life and grow old with me. His school, money, work, NONE of it mattered when he thought he might be losing me.

He laid his head on my lap (on his knees) and wept while I held him. I guess he finally “Got” an inkling of what he’d put me through. He apologized over and over.

He said he would do whatever it takes.

I told him that he’d promised me a year ago that he’d “work” on the attraction/intimacy thing…he admitted that it just hadn't been a top priority.

Even though it was and is my NUMBER ONE complaint in our M.

I mentioned the LL of gifts…of how he KNOWS this is a biggie for me, but hasn’t really come through there either. He felt that his letters to me (at Christmas) were “gifts of his heart” and should mean more than some bauble. (his words)

True, but as I told him, he’d given those same “gifts of the heart” to two other women. That some of his “love letters” to them contained lies (or so he said)…

...he’d written to me of how he was as “in love” with me now as he was when we got married…this one on my 10th anniversary card…right after OW #1 and while OW #2 was moving from friend to lover. (this I didn't say)

So, to me as comforting as words can be ACTIONS speak louder.

So he vowed to love me the way I deserve and want to be loved. He said he would do whatever it takes.

I wept later that night from the shere emotional overload, from empathy for what I'd caused CJ to feel, (I felt MISERABLE...not at all a happy revenge feeling friends)

and I wept with the fear that perhaps CJ might not be able to do what he said...

But I DO have faith...I DO DEFINITELY want to work on this. D'UH!!!

And as I said, things have been better...just feeling more connected. Getting things together in the house, fixing things up, planning projects. Touching more...

So all in all, KAW, I guess time will tell...but I'd have to say I wouldn't take back that argument (I WOULD, however do a few things differently! ).

Shiny