Who knows what she wants? She probably isn't even sure herself at this time. You have to give it time; no one changes overnight. That means you and your W. So, you have to take it slow, and don't scare her off again. Sure as heck you think you know what she is thinking, then you find out different. So, just don't try . Maybe she missed the friendly contact with you.
Every time you start to think that okay, things are going the way I want them to, she is talking to me more; sounds very friendly and chatty, stop, take a breath, and remember this is only beginning. You have the time to get yourself together, do your GAL activities, keep up with AA meetings. Just be careful when you are talking to her, not to sound needy, or talk R talk all the time. Don't pressure her, let her come to the decision to R herself. You concentrate on you. Take time to get together with friends, and maybe miss a call from her now and again. And, unless it's an emergency, let her call back again. Try not to be available whenever she beckons.
As for the wishing to just "be me", you are right, you DO need to just be you, find out who you are; who is the REAL you?? The guy you were before you and your W met? The one she fell in live with? I know you are more mature since then, but deep down, we all have that part of us that tells us who we really are.
I had the kids last night, it was great, they are so funny and great to be with.
My son was very loving again last night, I spoke to my wifes parents about him a few weeks ago, and they said that maybe because I had stopped drinking, and my wife and I were getting on better, that maybe he was getting hopeful that I was coming home soon?, Yeah, I know that feeling??
I just have to watch him, he's very quiet about his feelings.
Wife called to speak to the kids, we chatted briefly, all fine, no problems, so I continue that way.
She was probably with OM again, not my problem, but I do get a knot in my stomach when I think of them together while the kids are with me.
It will be easier next week when he goes back away to work, although I know he's in the background, he's not here physically. But then the stupid thing is, is that the more he's around, the more chance of her seeing what he's really like and maybe lose interest, rather that time apart being all romantic? I don't know!!!, its all games in my head!!
I totally agree with what VC said that changes take time, she's not going to dump him overnight, same way as I didn't stop drinking straight away, but once I knew what I truely wanted I did, as she said on Saturday, all she wanted was to be happily married with our kids, so once she knows she can have that, if I maintain the changes, it might be a quick turnaround??, who knows!!!!
But for now I'm thankful that we are talking again, and getting on, it's got to be a start of a NEW friendship, once I gain her trust again, and my changes are permenant, I do believe that we will have a future together.
This is what will take time, the earning of her trust again, she needs to know that I won't hurt her or our children again through drinking, and in the meantime he is the "bandaid" for her, the thing I think though is she has told me in the past that she is still hurting over how I became, the neglect, the moods etc, but I think the only person who can truely help heal those wounds is me?, yes he can help, but its down to me to put the past right?, maybe I think too much!!!
Other than my situation with my wife I'm great, I feel healthy, I am fitter than I have been in a long time, and I'm happy in myself, BUT I cannot stop loving or missing my wife, if I could take a pill to stop them feelings I would, everything else in my life is good, but I don't like not being with her, I miss her every day, from how she looks, to her laugh, to just being around her.
I try to think of things that I didn't like about her when we were together, and it works for about 15mins, then the good stuff comes back, the good memories, then it hurts again!!!
I know I'll be ok without her, I'm a good looking guy, good job, etc, and I will meet somebody else when I'm ready, I'm not scared of being on my own forever, I just miss my best friend, who was also my wife and mother of my children.
It is all so very sad, but I will do my best to achieve what I really truely want.
No matter how much you are told here not to dwell on om and what is going on "over there" I know it makes you sick to your stomach, and you can't help thinking of it now and then. I still think of it in my situation sometimes. Of course, we have to make the thoughts stop taking up so much space in our heads.
You told a few things about om, and I wonder if he will just kind of slither away eventually. Since he has a job in another town, and comes to your town every other week, I think you said, it should get old with him. I don't know if he has a family, or what, but from what you said about his character, he doesn't seem like the stick around type.
You are right, you will have to help heal your R one day, hopefully speaking, so you are thinking right, but that is for much later.
You detaching will get easier, (don't know if that is the right word)as time goes on. The pain in your heart will be less acute. If things don't work out, you will be able to find someone who appreciates who you are. I have no doubt of that. But, I have lots of hope for you and your W. Just keep up with what you are doing, live for yourself and those little ones, and get to know yourself all over again.
I got a call early regarding some money I was getting for putting a deal together for a friend. It all looks good and is about 5k sterling, I thought straight away of a holiday with the kids, Disney or something? I text wife to call me when she got chance, she's at work
About 1 hour later no reply, so I called her at work to find out she was on holiday? So I called her mobile, she answered but sounded upset I had called ? I mentioned the holiday and if she was ok with me taking them away, she was fine about it but had an edge to her voice, so we ended call all well
When I picked the kids up tonight we were talking and I said she looked tired, then she started about all the stress she is under, so I asked why?
Firstly she mentioned that she feels under pressure from me, her parents, etc to be a good mother and always do the right thing? She said her parents were not talking to her because of me telling them about all her lies, but she said she wasn't bothered and they interfered too much , she said that she had told them too much about mine and her problems and they pushed and lent her money to leave me initially? I said they just cared about her? But she thought they had too much to say, I just said that was between her and them
She said that she felt her life was under the microscope and was sick of everything
She then started on me because I have stuck to out agreed days I have the kids, basically her work wanted her to stayover a few nights, but because of childcare and the fact she wouldnt ask me, had caused her problems there, she sounded really unhappy with work, I think the pressure of the job, childcare,and us are getting to her? I just sympathized and said I understood
She them started on us, she said that we were getting on great, but the fight we had a few weeks ago had upset her, she said that if I wanted to get back together do I think fighting is going to help? I agreed with her and apologized
She the started about om, she said that he was just a really nice person to talk to, that I had neglected her,when drinking, and she was very lonely Again I said I understood, but it was hard to see the woman I love with om
She was rambling about a lot of things, mainly in the past etc
I mentioned the kids being upset at what was happening, she said they would be fine, they had lived with a drunk father for a long time!!! Ouch, that hurt!!! Again I agreed and apologized
We ended the conversation all friendly, but she is under real pressure here, and I felt sorry for her She is alone and trying to hold it all together, pressures of work, family, life, etc I want to help, but it would only add more pressure?
Not sure that om really helps the situation other than being a "nice guy", yeah he's that nice he was texting a married mother of 2 while we were together, I mentioned that to her, said it was the lowest of the low, she said nothing and didn't defend him!!
I think it's back to dark again, and try to avoid all contact with her? He's away again after the weekend for 5 weeks, things will calm down again, she won't be lying and rushing around to see him at his will, maybe she will then see the problems she is bringing on herself??
I wrote the last post late last night and the thoughts it threw up at me kept me awake all night
I sense that she is scared, the real life issues are coming back to haunt her and its hard.
I have read that I should not make things easy for her, hence the agreed nights of childcare, etc, but I feel guilty for not helping her?
It is obvious that the OM is putting pressure on her to see her when he's about, and she is juggling balls to be with him, the only issue is the impact this has on our kids at this time, they see less of their mum, she usually has me have them more, or her parents, around this time, but then he goes and she wants to be with them again, they must sense something?
Her problem now is, I and her parents are aware of what has been happening and won't let it continue.
My wife told me a lot last night that her parents had said to her before we broke up, basically they pushed her into it, said that they would dis-own her if she took me back, lent her the money to find a new place, etc, so I'm far from their favourite son in law!!!, but they just want what is best for the children, maybe staying together as a family and working on our problems would have helped, but things change!!!
I looked at her last night and she looks tired and stressed, I know this is her doing, she got OM, she moved out and took the kids, she filed for divorce, but I know I cannot help her at this time, this is something she has to deal with now.
We share child custody, and even that is stressful to both myself and her, but also to the kids, they forget where they are on nights, need to remember books, etc, for school, uniforms, friends, etc, it all takes its toll on all of us, and I don't have any answers to it??
Why can't she see that the only way forward is for "us" to work through our problems, for the sake of us all??
It is that obvious!!!
We both have busy stressfull jobs, 2 get kids, and bills, etc, I cannot see how we can continue to keep going "keeping all the balls in the air" as we are, I know how stressed and tired I am from it, and now she is telling me the same.
The OM, just comes and goes, so he's got no commitment to anything, I just wish she would wake up and she what is going on?
Yes, I love her and I want her back, but on top of that we have 2 children who need their parents being there for them, I'm not sure if it is right that parents should stay together for their children, but in this case I think it's best.
We both know we love each other, and I know my drinking caused me to isolate and neglect her, she told me this again last night, that me being dunk wasn't a problem, it was the isolation, she needed attention, and the other guy gave it to her, and ideas of what could be?
But, I am aware of what I did and what I became, and I'm addressing those issues, we have 2 great kids who just want us back together, my son told me again last night and cried, that hurts!!, and with all the pressures of life and what we have been through, we can achieve anything together, but the key word is together!!!!
I suppose she has been "cake eating", I'm there as the back up when he's around for any childcare issues, extra money for childcare when she cannot be off work, or to swap night to suit his wants, then its back to normal when he's gone.
But thats over now, she is alone in the world she wanted, I do what has been agreed and no more, and I think the reality is starting to hit home.
Do I think that this can get us back together?, probably not as she just resents me for it, its all my fault, she never wanted to be a single parent, etc, but I'm being fair to me and my feelings, and not being on the end of the phone for her lies and deceptions.
I'm very confused right now, I thought that by being a friend and helping more was bringing us closer together, but how close can I get with OM in the background?
Maybe a stressed version of her won't seem so appealing to him?, maybe it will bring them closer? I don't know!!
But I can look myself in the mirror and know I've done everything I can, yes I negelected her and didn't meet her wants, but is that a reason to split a family up, and take up with another man?, No it isn't.
Hey, DC, don't feel guilty for not accommodating her when she wants to work late or go out with om. She needs to see the consequences of her actions, and not make a doormat out of you. So, the om seems to be putting pressure on her?? Good, then it gives her something to think about. And, don't believe everything she says about her parents. Maybe they did loan her money to get a place, but the rest of it, saying they would disown her if she took you back, I highly doubt that was true, If she is having a MLC or something, she will lie a lot. And exaggerate things.
As for the kids, maybe there are ways to make it easier for them to remember what they need when, without making it easier for your W. Maybe a list for each child, one that's easy to understand. I don't mean to sound cruel, but she wanted this, now she's got it, she has to muddle through until she makes up her mind. All you can do is continue with your own self-help journey, and making things better for your kids.
And they do not see the obvious, only the most round-about skewed, complicated way of it. Eventually, her head will clear, and she will wonder what in the world happened. Yes, your being drunk was a problem, but, like you said, the isolation from her was the result. The om is like all predators, he sees a lonely W, and he tells her what she wants to hear. And, he's a new experience. That new will wear off.
She is seeing the reality of the situation, and perhaps that will get her to thinking it would have been easier to just work it out. But, that may down the road when she starts really thinking. As for blaming you for everything, my H blamed me all the way through, saying I had all the problems and he had none. Now, he admits fault on his part, and mostly doesn't seem to remember what he even said to me during the EA/PA MLC.
As for her and om getting closer because of the stress; I couldn't imagine this guy will be all that truly sympathetic to a married woman with child care issues, work related issues, marital issues, etc. Especially if that is what he gets to hear about every time he comes to town.
I guess right now, although you want to be closer to your W, you have to let her do this, let her make this journey she wanted, and at the end of it, see what she wants. You be strong, DC; you be the better man.
The pressure is really starting to get to her, that was obvious with last nights outburst, it came from no where!!
She just vented everything as my fault, I just listened and didn't argue, and agreed with what I agreed with.
I don't know where this is going right now, its been building since he arrived back on the scene, I really think he is putting pressure on her to take more time off work, to spend more time with him, unfortunatley something has to give!!
As I have said in the past there would be a "reason" could I have the kids and extra night, and I never refused, but since I told her that I knew what was happening she dare not ask me, or her parents, so she's stuck, and he's probably not too amused either?
I really do hope my being strong is the right thing to do, but I get the blame for everything now, so 1 more won't hurt!!
It was strange last night when we spoke that she told me that the isolation drove her away, he HAD to be in the back ground putting ideas in her head?
She told me also that they had only been texting until we split, what type of man texts a married mother of 2??, I think you called it right with predator!!
So for now I remain totally detached apart from a call later to speak to the kids.
I just called my son as he is home from school to see if he was ok, he said he was fine, his mum had just called him also and said that she would be home soon, and cut the garden grass!!, she won't be happy about that either!!! I used to pay for a gardner to do it!!! haha
So, she has to cut her own grass, now? I imagine there's lots of things she is getting to enjoy like that now. Thank goodness I don't have to cut grass here.
Maybe when she starts to vent at you, saying it's all your fault, etc., tell her "I am sorry you feel that way". That way you can disagree without saying so. And if you sense om is putting pressure on her, don't you put any pressure on her. She will realize who's the better man.
Is your S out sick? Or is it a school holiday? If he's sick, I hope he feels better soon.
Thanks vc, no my son had finished school for the day!!
So I get home tonight all chilled out and wife calls me, she starts to moan about the fact I have got myself a lawyer for the end of the divorce, she starts to tell me that it's going to cost her more money that she hasn't got!!
I said I was sorry but I had to get 1 to protect myself?? She was in a real mood about it!!
She slammed the phone down on me, so I drove to the house There she was cutting the grass with an old electric mower? She couldn't start the new petrol one!!!! I didn't offer to help!!
Then she starts again, the pressure she is under, money, bills work!! She is really struggling!! But again it's all my fault!
The last 5 years gets thrown at me again, drunk, moods, etc I again agreed totally, and said sorry , she was getting all emotional
She was on her own. 2 kids, etc!! I said that we should have sorted things out before now?
There was no talking to her, she was getting emotional, and angry, so I left
Not sure what to do??
Reality is hitting home big time!!!
I was going to ask, where were all the people who said for us to split up when she needed them??? Exactly, at home with their families!!!
I feel sorry for her and the kids, it's initially my fault, but she has pushed this and now look!!!
Well a fresh day after another sleepless night, when will this all end????
I think I'm now resigned to the fact that Divorce is coming, there is nothing I can do to stop it.
My wife is still angry and hurt, she keeps throwing the past at me, in nearly every sentence, but I think there is also an element of guilt for her actions and the stress of the situation, but she puts this entirely at my door.
All her actions, the OM, the upset, the hurt, the costs, are all being aimed at me, I take responsibility for what I have done, but I cannot be responsible for her actions after that.
She is so angry that she cannot see what is happening around her, she just keeps saying the past 5 years, it getting to sound so repetative now!!
So all I can do is maintain distance, leave her alone, and let the lawyers sort it now.
She is causing major upset to our children, again she is blaming me even though the kids come on the phone telling me they love me and miss me daily!!, she has got money problems mounting through lawyers, and money she has borrowed of her family they now want back, she is potentially going to lose her home, our beautiful house, really this is out of spite as she doesn't know what to do?, if she decides she wants the house selling and move,as she has mentioned as an option, our children will have to leave the excellent school they are currently in?, this is the biggest worry for me, we were so please when my son got a place in this school, and my daughter will go there automatically, this is the best school in the area and he is doing so well there, for this reason alone why can't she see what she is doing!!!!!
She is not thinking logically about the important things in life, its all about " the past 5 years", she has convinced herself that us divorcing and her moving, she will be ok??
Hello, I'm going nowhere??, I'm the kids father and she will probably speak to me everyday for the foreseeable future?
I said this to her last night, that I'm still going to be around, she then said sarcastically, well just move back in and we will all get on, I said I didn't want that, we need to get some advice about us?
She also said last night that she was angry that I agreed with her about the past and things I had done, I said I did, I have validated all my actions and all her feelings, she was also angry that I'm friendly with her, I don't know what she wants??
She is angry that all her little lies and sneaking about are all in the open, and the fact that she cannot continue doing it, she is now saying its my life and I'll do what I want, but unfortunatley for her she can't??, she has 2 kids and bills, and work, while OM just strolls in, no family of sorts, no commitments, and just wants to have some fun!!
As I said at the start I know that the divorce is coming, I'll be fine, I have no worries other than my childrens well being, I miss and love my wife, but she is not the person she was, far from it, she has changed into a selfish lying woman, that I don't know?
I know I have my faults, and I'm working on them, I'm 2 months sober!, but even that gets thrown at me, all she says is your an alchoholic, a drunk, etc, she is in real pain, but she won't listen or think rationally, its all pure venom about the past, we have been split for a year, but the hurt is still there.
The OM has totally clouded the issues for her I think, its all fun for a few weeks, then he's away, the pain is still there, I think the only way she can get over the past is if we do it together.
As I have said on many times we totally loved each other deeply, and she still loves me now, thats why I think there is still so much hurt and anger, OM is just papering over the cracks on a short term basis, but she won't let me in to help with the hurt I caused.
I know what happens, will happen, the legal system will do what it does, and it will be over. But, the problems will still be there, I will still be there, the kids will still be hurting, I just wish she could wake up and see what is going on.
If it was just me being single-minded, why are her parents upset the way she has acted lately, her attitude to our children,and the lies she has told.
Her parents probably don't want us back together, but they are worried about our childrens welfare, they have seen how our son has withdrawn in himself, and the way my wife is happy to pass them around when OM is around, this is so not like her, she loves those kids.
I just don't know what to do at the moment, as anything I say or do will be the wrong thing.
. Maybe she missed the friendly contact with you.