Are there any midlife women who want daily sex?

[ssmguy]

In moments of anger at you, what else has she said? Surely there is something negative about you or an insult that got hurled your way? This is where I think you get too vague. It doesn't make sense to me, even beyond the regular crazy element here.

The biggest complaint by far has been the sexual pressure. Even to the point of yelling at me several times years ago that I was sexually harrassing her, which was kind of shock to hear from my wife. It wasn't like I was hounding her every hour. The other category of complaints were all what you might call typical annoyances, like one of the few times I was late meeting her at a restaurant, or late picking up the kids.

One of the biggest early arguments we had was about house cleaning. We had the typical difference of opinion where I didn't mind a little dust collecting under the couch. It drove her crazy. She would see spots on the counter that wouldn't even register on my sensibilities. But we solved that by agreeing to hire a regular cleaning service that I would pay for, not that we really keep our incomes separate. It's just that I take care of the arrangements and payments.

Other than that, lots of picky complaints, which really escalate when she's under pressure to be sexual. And as I try to eliminate each source of complaint, she finds something new to complain about. One time I when I did a huge remodeling project in the bathroom that she wanted, which took a huge amount of my time and dozens of trips to Home Depot, she was very happy. So happy that she decided to give me sex....which consisted only of a HJ. She did not want sex or any kind of touching for herself. And she couldn't understand why I was disappointed, like, I'm getting off, so what am I complaining about?

Second, What anger in Bag's post are you referring to? Bag did NOT suggest any anger towards your w; on the contrary. The suggestion is that your wife be made to feel you want HER, not just sex.

I have to explain that my wife is very sensitive to even just an interpretation that somebody might be angry, or that they are trying to control her behavior in some way. I think she has some issues around that. Not sure if it's related to the SA.

and it better not be a lot of work IF there is no guaranteed pay off. It makes it all about the orgasm and frankly that's not mature.

Not sure what you're saying here. For many years I put no pressure at all on my wife to have an O. I had read it was bad to pressure a woman that way. But then how do I bring it up when she doesn't seem to want one, ever, for over a decade?

The magazines are for men without partners...

What do you mean? Why would a man without a female partner be making a donation at a doctor's office? It's not a sperm bank.

Like many people here in different situations, You got dealt a bad hand. But you have not played your hand well, imo.

I'll totally agree with that. And not just because I had no prior sexual experience.

Yes, you stayed married, technically, but I have to wonder at what costs.

And, don't forget, at what rewards? And they are plenty. I take a more optimistic view of that, though that's not what I'm here to discuss.

How does it feel to think of your d's finding your girlie mags, or learning about the strippers and other interests?

Ha ha, I think I had my last girlie magazine before I met my wife, and I threw them out when I met my wife, in a fit of optimism. It's all on the Internet now. As for the calendar, not a big deal. She reminds me with a laugh when I forget to flip up the new month. Actually, the latest one is a Sports Illustrated calendar. Pretty tame stuff. You're chasing a non-issue here. As for strip clubs, I can't remember for sure which year it was when I had my last visit. Total visits to such clubs is probably less than 6 in my whole life, including my college years. I don't know where the exaggerated description of my exploits is coming from, except maybe some earlier rant about what I'd like to do.

And if you think the strip clubs/play boys made your w feel that you wanted HER
you are kidding yourself again. But you don't believe that do you? And you don't care??

Hey, come on, give me a break. Put me in the worst light every time!

If my h were to go there with any frequency, I'd literally be worried about him. (And turned off).

Actually, now I remember, the last strip club I went to was when I took my wife to an all-male strip show, which she enjoyed.

Hookers, playboy magazines, doing yourself often, a stripper, it all just
looks like a one sided sex deal. (and It IS.)--there is nothing mutual and you've been "practicing" this self only sex for years.

Good god, you really know how to make it sound sleazy. I don't view masturbation as a dirty thing at all, but I'd prefer partnered sex.

So of course it's not a sexual turn on for a woman. Watching her h get turned on by OWs or photos of, or just knowing he is, is a turn Off.

Sure, you're not telling me anything new.

I think you are missing a major piece of this puzzle with years of just getting your needs met/itch scratched, and not doing the work to get your w's problems worked on.

Not doing the work? Give me a break. Not doing the work that succeeded, yes. Just what do you think was the purpose in my considerable efforts, time, and expense to get her to the best qualified sex therapy I could find?

Even though you sound as if you made some great efforts once upon a time, you also admitted that you "assumed it would improve" so even that effort only goes so deep.

The assumption of automatic improvement was when we first met. The great efforts on my part started when the marriage turned SSM.

If you are the type of guy who'd self serve for years and be okay with it--which you are, by definition--that hurts the cause.

Well, not "ok" as in "I'm fine with it". Only "ok" as in "I can survive it given the tradeoff". But part of it may well be that I don't fully know what I'm missing, as I've not really ever had what most people would consider a "good" sexual relationship, or maybe not even what some would consider a "decent" or "ok" relationship.

I mean, None of that stripper/playboy masturbation without her involvement would change a normal woman's mind or put her in the mood.

Well, I may be inexperienced with good partnered sex, but that much I know.

What if you told her you'd have no sex of any kind until it was with her, AND "there must to be sex in this marriage and you meant it?

She would feel under tremendous pressure to have sex and it would be a huge turn off. If I made it very clear that there would be no pressure, but that I'd not even self-pleasure, well, I don't think that would make her interested either. To her it would all just sound like gimmicks to get her into bed with me. More than once, when I've asked her what I should do sexually if she didn't want to have sex with me, she just said that I should take care of myself. She certainly doesn't seem to have a problem with that, and seems to prefer it so that she doesn't have to deal with it. In later years, she got to thinking of giving HJ's as a tedious chore, so she's more than happy to have me just take care of it myself.

Besides, how rewarding are the outside of marriage sexual experiences?

Pretty good. Anything is good when you get only scraps. For example, I had my first and only lapdance about 5 years ago. I thought it was pretty cool. I wish my wife could be as much fun as that. At least the gal had a sense of humor and seemed positive. In recent years, if I had convinced my wife to sit on my lap, she would be sort of giving indications she was just tolerating it for my sake, and that she was uncomfortable. Or as she has a way of doing in that situation, claim that it's uncomfortable for her to sit on my lap and would prefer to sit on the sofa instead. Clearly, she wants to limit the time doing that sort of thing lest it lead "something more".

Something is still missing, if you are still here.

Not sure what you're getting at. If it's why am I still in the marriage. Well, isn't it clear by now? It's NOT just about sex, you know. Do you really think that my appreciation for my kids and everything is just a superficial excuse for staying in the marriage, and that it's really something much deeper and flawed as to why I'm staying in the marriage? If so, you're looking way too deep.