Treading water - time and patience

[Accuray]

Would you say that MC is helping? My DB coach said that it can actually not help in some cases because therapists look for problems (and will find them). By focusing on problems, they increase in importance, and can leave both of you feeling worse. Therefore, in the spirit of DB, if it's not working do something different! My DB coach recommended marriage education instead, which comes from a different philosophy, it's not problem focused, it's focused on positive behaviors.

I would say that MC would help most when both spouses are motivated to improve the marriage. If not, it can probably do more harm than good unless the therapist is excellent.

In keeping with my earlier post, yes, I would filter more in MC and not be an open book. That's different than lying, you can say you don't want to talk about that, because you don't feel it will help to repair the marriage -- I used that response a few times to good effect. Although it may make you feel better to let it out, the yardstick here is repairing the marriage.

WRT the lawyer, divorce laws are state-specific so only someone in NY can tell you what to expect. My sister got divorced and her mediator said that regardless of the circumstances (infidelity, etc.) most divorce settlements end up about the same, no matter how hard fought or amicable they are. In her case, the formula was to split the marital assets and debt down the middle. The arguing comes in over what the "marital assets" include -- i.e. if you have a side account in your name, you could argue that's not a marital asset, etc. etc.

The other variable is child support and spousal support. Child support is usually a state formula, and spousal support is negotiated. I shared with my W that it's rare that the children get to stay "in the marriage home", and usually both spouses need to take a step down in living conditions. It's important that your W understands that -- her living situation will get worse too, as will that of your daughters. Usually they are of the understanding that they get to stay where they are and nothing much changes other than you are gone and a check in the mail starts arriving -- not so.

If you think about your finances, some months there are more child expenses than others, some months there are more housing expenses than others, etc. Because the two of you are in this together, you manage your finances with flexibility.

Going forward, that flexibility is gone. If child support doesn't cover child expenses this month, there's no borrowing from something else to cover, etc., and you don't benefit from months where expenses are less than normal. That loss of flexibility makes everything harder.

Good luck NYCPeter, I certainly admire your resolve!