And why do you think that will work? The whole thing with displaying anger doesn't work with her. What you're describing would result in her saying it's a turnoff when I'm angry like that. I have had lots of conversations when I was emphatic and very clear about that I wanted just her. She just took it as pressure. You know, it's really hard to convey in e-mail the whole body language and who I am as a person. I expecting your reply to be that I wasn't using the right tone and all that, because the words I chose above don't convey my tone and emotions from those times. I'm not a literary writer.
I don't know why you think what you're suggesting is new? Everybody thinks they're telling me new stuff.
I several times gave her some books, as you describe, with some rather emphatic words about how important it was to me. She took them as insults, and that I thought there was something wrong with her.
Well, if what you say about her is accurate, there IS something wrong with her. Stop dancing around that.
It's not a simple "preference" of hers. She isn't choosing peas over carrots. She's not saying "I don't like sex as often"....
she is saying NO Sex, ever, AND no touching me in the pleasurable areas of my body...
Years, ago, in a moment of relaxed honesty, she simply told me she was done with sex because it took too much time, and she didn't see the point in it. I didn't know what to say at the time, it was so different from my way of thinking.
In moments of anger at you, what else has she said? Surely there is something negative about you or an insult that got hurled your way? This is where I think you get too vague. It doesn't make sense to me, even beyond the regular crazy element here.
Second, What anger in Bag's post are you referring to? Bag did NOT suggest any anger towards your w; on the contrary. The suggestion is that your wife be made to feel you want HER, not just sex.
You claim to want to know what you can do differently, and there it is. Stop making it obvious that "although you'd prefer" her, you'll take anything
and it better not be a lot of work IF there is no guaranteed pay off. It makes it all about the orgasm and frankly that's not mature.
Also, Her buying you Playboys--I can't tell if that was a test you failed or just a sad statement of affairs.
My brother and wife had in vitro fertizilation, my brother had to go into the back room "for his donation". No one offered him a magazine. He had his wife w/him.
The magazines are for men without partners...
Okay we'll all agree for the sake of discussion that you got "Stuck" w/a wacky wife who has MAJOR issues with sex...fine, granted.
Like many people here in different situations, You got dealt a bad hand. But you have not played your hand well, imo.
Yes, you stayed married, technically, but I have to wonder at what costs.
Not just costs to you either. You don't think your kids know about your extramarital interests?
How does it feel to think of your d's finding your girlie mags, or learning about the strippers and other interests?
And if you think the strip clubs/play boys made your w feel that you wanted HER
you are kidding yourself again. But you don't believe that do you? And you don't care??
Most women I know, view strip clubs as consisting of 2 groups of customers.
Group 1 is a bunch of young guys going to a bachelor's party before a wedding; who laugh and drink a lot, or the same group recapturing their youth every 5 years...
Group 2 is made up the kind of man who can't see and touch a naked woman in his own life, but is so lonely for that type of "intimacy" that he pays for it.
If my h were to go there with any frequency, I'd literally be worried about him. (And turned off).
Hookers, playboy magazines, doing yourself often, a stripper, it all just looks like a one sided sex deal. (and It IS.)--there is nothing mutual and you've been "practicing" this self only sex for years.
So of course it's not a sexual turn on for a woman. Watching her h get turned on by OWs or photos of, or just knowing he is, is a turn Off. I think you are missing a major piece of this puzzle with years of just getting your needs met/itch scratched, and not doing the work to get your w's problems worked on.
Even though you sound as if you made some great efforts once upon a time, you also admitted that you "assumed it would improve" so even that effort only goes so deep.
If you are the type of guy who'd self serve for years and be okay with it--which you are, by definition--that hurts the cause.
I mean, None of that stripper/playboy masturbation without her involvement would change a normal woman's mind or put her in the mood.
And since your w isn't in that "normal" category, it just validates her negative views of your objectification of sex.
What if you told her you'd have no sex of any kind until it was with her, AND "there must to be sex in this marriage and you meant it?
Yes of course there might be a few weeks of you not getting your usual dose...but what if she could not rationalize that your "needs are being met"?
Besides, how rewarding are the outside of marriage sexual experiences?
Something is still missing, if you are still here.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
