...There are some similarities and some significant differences. When I married at age 24...
...I started working to connect with her again, and to really meet her needs, for the first time in years. At the same time, however, I set a deadline. I made sure that she understood that although (a) I was willing to bust my butt to make our relationship better, that (b) if things had not significantly improved in one year's time, we were done...we would separate for good and I would file for divorce. It was no bluff, and she knew it. The real breakthrough came in the fall, when I put a copy of MWD's "The Sex-Starved Marriage" down in front of her and asked her to read Chapter 1 as I left for work that day. When I got home that evening, she was in tears: the light bulb had gone off in her mind and she *finally* understood that I had been hurting just as much as she had been all those years. She got it, and we began moving forward together from that moment on. By the following winter, we were seeing a therapist who was a qualified individual counselor, couple's counselor, and AASECT sex therapist, and we utilized him in all three capacities for the next three years (2008-2010), until I again had to change jobs.
It's been no picnic, and we've come close to throwing in the towel a few times along the way, but we continue to make progress....
FWIW, I see two major problems with your current arrangement, SSMGuy:
(1) Your outside-the-marriage, casual sex activities PROVE to your wife, over and over, that for you, sex *isn't* about making love to her --> it's about pleasuring yourself. You've said that over and over again here, literally. While some women can engage in casual sex and enjoy it that way, *most* women cannot -- they need an emotional connection; they need to know that their man wants only *them*, and that it's about more than just physical pleasure. With every Playboy calendar that you accept at Christmas, with every trip to the strip-club, you prove to your wife over and over that for you, it's nothing more than 'scratching an itch', and that any old 'hole' will do. You keep proving to her that you DON'T want an intimate emotional connection with her. Thus, why should she want one with you? For her, that emotional connection is a REQUIREMENT for wanting to have sex with you: for her, sex and love are not separable.
(2) As DanceQueen pointed out over and over, you dropped the ball and never really pushed your wife hard enough to make the very tough decision to work her intimacy issues and abusive past. You never really held her feet to the fire, and instead left her with an easy out (your extra-marital activities). I know, from firsthand experience, that it's a very hard thing to do to firmly tell someone that either (a) we work these issues and start to fix things, or (b) we are done as a couple. You have to really mean it when you say that, and follow through with it if they take option (b). David Schnarch doesn't call such 'crunch points' the "crucible" for nothing. But there is really nothing else that will ever get your wife to budge and to face her fears and intimacy issues. Otherwise, she will take the easier, more comfortable route of doing nothing, and informing you of the next 'discount night' at the strip-club.
Take care,
-- B.
Wow.
First that is quite an inspirational story.
Second, I think that you have given ssmguy some great advice and something to contemplate as has 25yearmlc and the Captain.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
