W is moving out.....life goes on...

[In_Shock]

I have been messing up a little bit by bit lately. I've noticed myself slipping in ILY or a hug. Pursuing.... Trying to get reassurances. At least I have really noticed. Now I can STAY AWARE and STOP!!! It began probably on Monday after we went out to eat Sunday night and W was crying over MIL's remarks to her.

For example last night W was on the couch and I came over, gave her a hug goodnight -- snuggled a little and said "ILY" I had been a bit emotional earlier, not quite R talk, but me telling her something to the effect of "I may be an idiot, but I can't just turn off the love I've had for you all these years. And I can't NOT want you to share our bed. I can fill the days but I can't fill my heart right now."

I was being honest -- but I was too emotional. Hadn't done that lately. Truthfully, I had a couple of beers with a friend earlier (remember, I don't drink!! so.....well, the tongue was free...) it's terrible though and I won't do that again b/c I'm not entirely sure of EVERYTHING i did say. Nope, that's why I'm not a drinker!!!

Anyway, as I was snuggling her as I hugged her goodnight she said, "you know, I do love you" I had a few tears come to the surface, turned around and said, "I know. Good night" Went to bed alone. Cried a bit. Got my nook and tried to read a mystery.

Just wanted to confess my transgression and hope for a new start again today!!! Damn this HUMANITY!!! that makes us feel like this. I want a superpower. I want to be able to detach and move on easily like the WAS. I could market that and become very rich.

Thanks for letting me confess and journal. Love to all you DBers. It's a hell of a road we're on, but I keep telling myself something another poster has said....it's better to be us than them in some ways. We are forced to really grow and examine ourselves. I hold on to that.