Question on Divorce Mediation. Has anyone on the board used a mediator to help decide how to divide assets? W and I have initial appointment for tomorrow afternoon. We have been very amicable throughout our ordeal, w has deferred all planning for finances to me. In our state mediator cannot file for d, l has to, or individual on their own. Just curious, what kind of experiences have people had? Any and all info would be appreciated. Thanks!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Yesterday I went to a coworkers husbands funeral. He was 42 and died suddenly this past saturday. In a way, going to the funeral helped me to take my mind off my sitch, as they say, there is always someone worse off than you.
Afterwards, I was working out at the gym when i fell into a conversation with an aquaintance who I hadnt seen in there for a while. Turns out the reason she hadnt been around waa that her husband, also 42, had died suddenly 3 months ago while she was on the phone with him. Again, another instance where your own sitch, at least for a short period, doesnt seem as bad. As I was drving home, I was thinking about my sitch, and how I am fairly certain my w is suffering a classic MLC, but i could never quite figure out what could have been the catalyst, or trigger for her. Then I remembered that one of her best friends at work had died last July of an epileptic fit, in her sleep. She was only 40 and it really hit my w hard. Over the last few months she has frequently talked about her friend, in a meloncohly way. It kind of just dawned on me that this in all probability was the match that lit the fire. Not that it makes a great deal of difference at this point, but it just amazing to me how these things seem to follow a carefully laid out script, oh well, any thougts anyone?
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
last night w and I had a discussion about our upcoming preliminary visit with a d mediator. I listed my ideas on piece of paper and handed them to her. She agreed with everything on it, and I think felt a little sheepish because while she has(for another month) a good job she does not have a pension, and did not have anything that could be considered community property and was hence subject to division.
So, we agree on everything prior to going to mediator. I remarked to her that after we finish with the mediator the final product is an MOU stating the provisions of the proposed divorce settlement. But, I said the divorce will not happen overnight and she should be prepared for that. She immediately said that she is in no hurry for the d. I was struck by this. Don't know if this is a function of her leaving soon and not having a job lined up at her new destination(hence no health ins), or that she is starting to realize the magnitude of the decision she has set in motion. Either way, an interesting development. Any thoughts from other souls out there who have had a WAS and experienced anything similar? I am open to suggestions. Thanks
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny It's probably both. This is good for you. Don't know your financial sitch but it looks like you have nothing to lose from keeping her on your plan for a few months, and could probably afford to give her some money to get herself set up.
She sounds like she wants some independence but is not willing to destroy herself to get it. Something to consider if she returns. If she ever asks why you are being so nice just tell her it's because you'll never stop loving her, and want the best for her with or without you.
The more amicably things go the easier it will be for her to allow herself to come back. An aggressive and messy D will just place obstacles to reconciliation. Don't be a doormat but be loving and in a way supportive.
"I wish you wouldn't do this, but if you must I love you too much to just throw you to the wolves."
I don’t have a perspective on a spouse willing to D slowly. STBX has pursued the D with single minded determination. She has almost been obsessive about each step mapped out by her L and D for Dummies book.
Be supportive of her emotions where you can and don’t give away the farm. Seek to reduce the conflict and drama. Approach this within your sense of honor and comport yourself accordingly. When it begins to become angry maintain your bearing. Do nothing to escalate or inflame, seek to mitigate and calm. You’ve survived tougher situations than an angry exchange.
Semper Fidelis
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
stunned and GB, Thanks guys for the words of encouragement. I agree with both of you. Our meeting with the mediator was interesting. It was a free consult, he is a l who specializes in med. After giving us his spiel, he asked our sitch. I told him we had no kids, no debt, and assets which we had already drawn up a plan to divide 50/50. He said that if it was him, he would forego med,and L and file pro se, i.e. on my own. In jersey this is an option. W and I left the office and agreed that this would be our plan. I will file petition when I am ready, which, the way I feel now, will be on my schedule. I am getting no pressure from her file anytime soon.
Stunned, you are right about maintaining bearing. I do feel as if I am emerging, ever so slightly, from the dark tunnel I have been in for the last 3-4 weeks. From what I am reading, this is pretty standard, after getting the ###7& kicked out of me,and smacked on the side of the grape repeatedly, I am starting to regain some small degree of focus.
GB, I have worked very hard to remain friends throughout this ordeal, treating her as if she is a very close neighbor. She has reciprocated, She is taking a 3 day trip to ohio next weekend to bring some stuff to her sisters so she does not have to rent a uhaul, I have offered to let her use my new subaru wagon to haul it. This does not cost me anything, but engenders some good will.
On the health ins, I work for county gov, my ins plan is the gold standard, no copay, no mo payments, unheard of in today econ, but because I am grandfathered, it will not cost me anything to keep her on plan until 2014, and even then only small amount. Again, doesnt cost me, but brings good will on her part. Bottom line, she is still full steam ahead on leaving, but not pushing d, at least not yet.
Thanks again guys for the good words, SEMPER FI!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
feeling a bit down today, which I know is a normal thing in our sitchs. I hate the mornings, waking up in a bed by myself, with w sleeping in the other room.
Last night my brother came over to sleep on the couch. He has been chronically depressed for at least 5 years and unemployed for the last two. He is having a sitch at home with his girlfriend(who is a doll and wants to marry him but will not until he deals with his issues). He may be staying over a few nights or not, hastnt decided. Didnt want to bring his depressed way of thinking into my home, but w said we should let him stay. She is leaving tomorrow morning to take some things out to Ohio so that when she leaves for good on the 28th her load will be lighter.
It is really sad to watch the pile of stuff she is taking with her grow each day. Pieces of our life contained in boxes. I know it is best to let her go, she must have her space, but it is very hard. Many of you out there have been in similar circumstances, so I know you know how I feel. I want to say to her in the worst way that although she is exited about moving to stay with her sister, and is looking forward to a new life, the chances are that after a period of time she will find that it wasnt me, or our marriage that made her unhappy, but that the unhappiness comes from deep within her, and it is only a matter of time before her unresolved issues rear their ugly heads and make themselves felt. But, of course I won't because it would serve no useful purpose, except to act as a temporary salve to my raw emotions.
Oh well, just venting, thanks for listening all.
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
A word of advice from the many wise souls on this board. I have been using a combination of valerian(herb), melatonin, and otc sleep aids to help me sleep. I have been getting a consistent 6 hours or so of good sleep, but generally seem to pop up at around 4 am and then settle into a very light sleep, or toss and turn until 530 when I usually get up. When I wake up at 4, thoughts of my w leaving start to crowd my brain, and I cant get back to sleep.
I think I read somewhere on this board that when visions of your s start popping into your brain, you should visualize a big stop sign to jolt your mind off the thoughts. Anyone else have any other advice on how to keep my mind from fixating? Any and all ideas are welcome, thanks again folks!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
