Hey, DC, don't feel guilty for not accommodating her when she wants to work late or go out with om. She needs to see the consequences of her actions, and not make a doormat out of you. So, the om seems to be putting pressure on her?? Good, then it gives her something to think about. And, don't believe everything she says about her parents. Maybe they did loan her money to get a place, but the rest of it, saying they would disown her if she took you back, I highly doubt that was true, If she is having a MLC or something, she will lie a lot. And exaggerate things.
As for the kids, maybe there are ways to make it easier for them to remember what they need when, without making it easier for your W. Maybe a list for each child, one that's easy to understand. I don't mean to sound cruel, but she wanted this, now she's got it, she has to muddle through until she makes up her mind. All you can do is continue with your own self-help journey, and making things better for your kids.
And they do not see the obvious, only the most round-about skewed, complicated way of it. Eventually, her head will clear, and she will wonder what in the world happened. Yes, your being drunk was a problem, but, like you said, the isolation from her was the result. The om is like all predators, he sees a lonely W, and he tells her what she wants to hear. And, he's a new experience. That new will wear off.
She is seeing the reality of the situation, and perhaps that will get her to thinking it would have been easier to just work it out. But, that may down the road when she starts really thinking. As for blaming you for everything, my H blamed me all the way through, saying I had all the problems and he had none. Now, he admits fault on his part, and mostly doesn't seem to remember what he even said to me during the EA/PA MLC.
As for her and om getting closer because of the stress; I couldn't imagine this guy will be all that truly sympathetic to a married woman with child care issues, work related issues, marital issues, etc. Especially if that is what he gets to hear about every time he comes to town.
I guess right now, although you want to be closer to your W, you have to let her do this, let her make this journey she wanted, and at the end of it, see what she wants. You be strong, DC; you be the better man.
