Youngster's WAW Still Chooses OM!

[Finah]

LRT letter then darkness

[westcoastfella]

Okay, I whipped this out just now. It sounds pretty good to me. Please, folks, give me your opinions. I want this to count before I go dark.

W:

I am writing this e-mail to you because I feel that it's come to this, and also because I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on paper. I care about you very much, and I am respecting your wishes to find your happiness elsewhere. I'm truly sorry if you couldn't find that happiness with me. However, I really feel that space is the best thing for us as we go down our separate roads in life. I have learned very quickly over the last three months that I am not willing to share you in any form with another man, even if my relationship with you only constitutes friendship. Doing so has come in conflict my values and caused me a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, so this is why I have come to this decision.

Please don't feel like I am doing this to "get back" at you or to enact some kind of petty revenge. This has nothing to do with punishment of any kind. Instead, I am withdrawing to preserve my feelings, as well as to give us both the opportunity to move forward with our lives. I understand that you want to keep updated on [the rabbit] and me, but I don't think that it's necessary to call. I will keep you updated on us if anything major happens, but otherwise just assume that we're doing okay. If it really bothers you to be without [the rabbit], I will gladly figure out a way to give him back to you somehow. I love him very much, but I know that he's your rabbit, so I won't keep him from you. (As I agreed, I will also let you see him when you come down in the next couple of weeks.)

I'm sorry if you think I'm being selfish by doing this, but I really feel like it's the best thing for both of us. I honestly do wish you all of the happiness in the world.

--WCF

On an unrelated note, I was doing really badly last night, so I called my younger sister (she's 21, soon to be 22). She's really a hero to me. She's a single mom going to college and living by herself. Interestingly, she just broke up with her scummy boyfriend for reasons all too similar to mine. (She doesn't know just how similar -- I still haven't told any of my family or friends that my W is living with someone else. Don't really see the point of exposing that.)

I told her about the unpleasant convo with my W, and she explained that something very similar happened to her. Her ex left her for someone else, yet still expected them to be friends. My sis explained to him in a very kind way that she couldn't do that because it caused a lot of unnecessary emotional pain, and her ex flipped out on her, accusing her of being selfish and pressing every button possible to hurt her. Now his R with the OW has imploded, and he's calling her up left and right to get back with her, but my sis will have none of it.

My sis chalked it up to our ex's trying to exert power over us, plain and simple. She thinks it's because our ex's want to keep us around as "back-ups," in case their current R's don't work out for whatever reason. This could very well be true. Hard to know what's going on through my W's head, but I'm quickly getting to the point where I no longer care what's going on in her head.

[Truegritter]

West

Too long.

Don't apologize for setting YOUR boundaries.

If she wants to believe you are doing this out of spite then she will.

Just make sure you are not.

West you are going to feel like a doormat until you don't.

Until you take command of YOURSELF and not suffer the whim of her reaction or non reaction.

Do you know what you want? Live it.

If she would just come back you'll be fine? No.

If she came back right now you two would fall back into the same dysfunction that got you here.

And how does that feel right now? Want to do this again?

You control only yourself so get busy on that and the rest will take care of itself.

I snipped this a while ago and I think it's perfect:

W, I've told you before that I still love you and still think that we can have a great life together as both a couple and a family. I've not changed my mind on that. But I understand you are not happy, that you do not feel happy or complete inside.

You need to do what will make you happy. By my side, we live as partners, we share everything and we would do anything to help one another. But that's only if we continue as a team.

I won't stand in your way. But I also will not help you leave this marriage or this family. And I will never accept another person being a part of our life together.

I hope you find the happiness you are looking for. Go do what you need to do. You know where I will be.

What will help you in your goal to get control of YOU?

[westcoastfella]

Thanks for the tips, Gritter. I shortened it up and took out the apologies, then sent it just now. This is a big deal to me, and I'm really going to have to put everything I have into backing up this new boundary. She will pull all kinds of tricks to get me to rescind it. It will be difficult to reinforce because I've become so used to giving her whatever she wants, but I realized after our last phone call that I'm at "THAT POINT." I wouldn't have sent this letter if I wasn't. I'm willing to break up our marriage with this darkness if it means I don't have to be verbally or emotionally abused by this person who is masquerading as my W.

I have to really thank you, CS, and Chaos for 2X4-ing me into this decision. Had you guys not convinced me how messed-up it was for me to keep tolerating this behavior, I would have allowed myself to be emotionally and mentally tortured for many months longer than I believe I will now. Also, my W would have never found respect for me had I continually been her "friend." Through this path, she will find respect for me, even if she doesn't like it.

[westcoastfella]

Well, folks, here's how it went down. This was my letter to her:

W:

I am writing this e-mail to you because I feel that it's come to this, and also because I'm much better at organizing my thoughts on paper. I care about you very much, and I am respecting your wishes to find your happiness elsewhere. I'm truly sorry if you couldn't find that happiness with me. However, I really feel that space is the best thing for us now. I have come to a decision over the last three months that I am not willing to share you in any form with another man, even if my relationship with you only constitutes friendship.

I will keep you updated on [the rabbit] and me if anything major happens, but otherwise just assume that we're doing okay. If it really bothers you to be without him, we can figure out a way to give him back to you somehow. I love him very much, but I know that he's your rabbit, so I won't keep him from you. (As I agreed, I will also let you see him when you come down in the next couple of weeks.)

I honestly do wish you all of the happiness in the world.

--WCF

(P.S.: I have spoken to someone at the bank about the auto loan. I'm looking to re-finance it with my dad as the co-signer so that you don't need to be on my loan anymore. I will keep you updated on this process.)


That was on Friday night. Just got her response on Sunday morning:


I wish I could say I am surprised at your total selfishness, but given your behavior when we were married, I am sorry to say that I am not surprised. I was the perfect girlfriend and wife to you for five and a half years and my parents treated you like their own son, and now you are just going to cut us all out of your life. You are disgusting and I regret that I wasted even one second of my life on you.

So here's what's going to happen: I will be visiting [the rabbit] in a couple of weeks. I can't take him with me now, but I will be taking him back when I move back to Washington next summer. I also expect money for the furniture you took as well as all the household items. I will also be removing my name from the car loan as soon as possible and I frankly don't care if you lose the car over it.

I wish I could impress upon you what an awful and dispicable person I think you are and how much I regret all the time I wasted on you. I thought you were a good person, but I can see now that you are truly a terrible person. I hope you enjoy your pointless and miserable life.

--W

Wow....just wow. There was a time before that I would quake and quail at this kind of response, but now I'm seeing right through her ridiculous behavior. I am simply appalled at how hard she's trying to devalue me and make ME out to be the selfish bad guy when SHE'S the one cheating on me and using me for her emotional needs. And now she thinks she deserves money when she got the majority of the money when she left! AND she's now living on a double-income now that OM is living with her, so how does any of that make sense? (I could go on about how I got the maxed-out credit card and she didn't, but the whole sordid story is just not worth telling.)

I'm shaking my head right now. I thought she was so much better than this. This response really demonstrates to me just how far she's gone from my loving and wonderful W to a person who I don't even recognize anymore.

Any tips on what I should do now? I was going to write a response saying that I don't think that I owe her any money, but instead, I think that I'm just going to let her cool down and think things over. The time for the "fixer" is over now.

[kml]

I'd send a one sentence reply:

"The perfect wife and girlfriend would not have had an affair"

[kml]

Btw - was she always this WHACK??? I mean - that's a level of denial that is world class.

[kml]

I will also be removing my name from the car loan as soon as possible and I frankly don't care if you lose the car over it.

Lol -and she doesn't know squat about finance, does she? They won't take her off the loan just because she asks!

Let me ask you - do you think there are drugs or alcohol involved? Because her response is so out of touch with reality, it hints at substance abuse or mental illness. Either way, you may eventually count yourself lucky that you didn't make a family with her.

[kml]

(Oh - and btw, did you ever read the book Brainlock by Schwartz? Great and insightful book about OCD. I know a lot about it because two of my children have it. It appears to be due to a glitch in the basal ganglia. In some rare cases, antibodies to strep infections, or Lyme disease, seem to be the trigger. 5-htp is a natural amino acid supplement that is sometimes helpful. )

[Finah]

West I don't know where to begin w/ her response.....

I could tear it apart for you if you want.

Just know she isn't done with you that is very clear

Don't respond and stay dark.