Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

[Queen_of_Swords]

A lot of his answers to your convo. in the car reminded me very much or were dead on for the way my XH described what he was going through the few months before he left me the first time. The disconnectedness and panic and fear were all there, and the sort of zombie-like state he could get into if he focused on something was his only "release." In fact in retrospect I'd realize that every time he got involved in a house project just "out of the blue" (like one day he just got it in his head to tear a room apart and pretty much clean it with a toothbrush) it was his way of escaping from how awful he felt because he was going out of his skin.

Then he left and came back 4 months later saying he was fine, and 6 months after that, started the emotional affair up and then I called him on it and he moved out and that was the end of it...divorce in Jan. 2011.

I only tell you all that because my XH was in that state in 2009, and here we are, 2011...and all he did was get into another rel. and he's repeating all rel. mistakes with this woman. I often wonder, if I had walked away from him the first time he left and said then, you know what, go figure yourself out, instead of pressuring him to come back as I did, would he have fixed himself? Instead, he came back, he wasn't even close to healed, and then he took a major escape route to deal with the pain--OW.

I feel like there really isn't anything you can do to help a person who is in the state he is. I know that I tried for so long and I think I made it worse. If I'd had it to do over, I'd have learned then about detachment. Maybe I'd have even been the one to file or at least to solidify a long-term separation.

I'm sorry about this because I remember so well what it was like to watch my XH fall apart 2 years ago, and to feel so helpless and hurt. And I don't think it's that you dont' care about him or his life, I think it's that maybe you're seeing that it's really taking a toll on you and to be the best person you can be, you have to at some point start to take care of your own needs more than trying to shoulder yours and his. I agree with your coach--detach, GAL, live your life as if it is over. If it isn't over, you're developing great skills that will always serve you, and if it is over, if he can't find his way "out", then you need those skills to survive and find your own way.

I appreciate the time you took to write Antonia.

The similarities in our situation jump out at you and the differences jump out at me.

Never the less your last sentence rings true.

I'm just feeling really odd.
I'm feeling so dis-invested in whatever he does now.
I do know I'll cope.
I do know I don't need him to be happy.
I do know right now my focus is on creating my own happiness and keeping my children focused, well cared for, and nurtured to the best of my ability.

I hope my H finds his way out of the pit he's dug himself, but that's up to him and God now.

I admit I'm helpless in the face of this and there is not a blessed thing I can do or say. The only thing I can do is pray and be a constant, consistent, authentic person.




Side note, today I was listening to the radio and this song came on, it so totally describes a MLC I'd thought I'd share it:

Till I Am Myself Again - by Blue Rodeo

I wanna know where my confidence went,
One day it all disappeared,
As I'm lying in a hotel room miles away
Voices next door in my ear.

Well daytime's a drag, nighttime's worse,
I hope I can get home soon,
But the half finished bottles of inspiration,
Lie like ghosts in my room.

Well I wanna go, I can't stay,
But I don't wanna run feeling this way,

'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself again.

There's a seat on the corner, I keep every night
Wait 'til the evening begins,
I feel like a stranger from another world,
But at least, I'm living again.

There were nights full of anger,words that were thrown,
Temper that is shattered and thin,
But the moments of magic are just too short,
They're over before they begin.

Well I know it's time,
One big step,
I can't go, I'm not ready yet.

'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself again.

I had a dream my house was on fire,
People laughed while it burned,
Well I tried to run,but my legs were numb,
I had to wait 'til the feeling returned.

Well I don't need a doctor to figure it out,
I know what's passing me by,
When I look in the mirror sometimes I see,
Traces of some other guy.

Well I wanna go, I know I can't stay,
I don't wanna run feeling this way.

'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself
'til I am myself again.