right -- it's not over until YOU decide it's over. Everyone has their own threshold --- If you still want to DB --- DB. I'm So sick of people saying to me 'get over it' 'move on' and 'you deserve better' and variations of those...
I want my family. You want your family. It is OUR call- not the therapist - not our friends, or well meaning family.
Keep the faith --- post here and remember we support your decisions. Either way. ****hugs****
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
IMO, your W was out of line to be upset that you were getting together with your mutual friends. After all, she chose this route. You're still allowed to be friends with them.
I agree with the others in disagreeing with your therapist about being in denial.
Originally Posted By: NTXSadDad
After the argument Friday, virtually no contact this weekend, and now the Facebook status change, I am finally having the feelings of loneliness and sadness.
I think all of these things contributed to these feelings. This is going to happen from time to time. Just remember when you're feeling low like this, the only way to go is up. You will just about be guaranteed to have a better day in the near future.
I personally think she's making a lot bigger deal out of your daughter's reaction to overhearing you than what actually happened.
...
And the ups and downs with before dinner, during dinner and then after dinner...that rollercoaster makes me nauseated!
...
The FB thing is just silly. She was just trying to get a rise out of you. Don't ever mention it to her. I gave up FB when my husband and I separated in July (he has never been on FB and actually hated me being on), and I must say, what a RELIEF being away from all that drama.
Stay with no contact (other than absolutely necessary), detaching, working on goals. Stay strong; you are doing great, but she's really making things difficult for you!
Take care, lc4[/quote]
Thanks lc, I appreciate all of your feedback and agree totally!
I think you are right about the daughter's supposed reaction. I saw her last night for an hour and she was just fine.
I do need to keep off Facebook more... all it does is occasionally hurt me at best.
I do need to maintain no contact. It's only been 5 days and its helped me some already. And I think it's already getting a reaction from the stbx which I'll detail in a few minutes.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
kd, shock, and jb - thanks for the input as well. I agree with everything y'all said and I appreciate the reinforcement of my thinking.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
A little bit of an update. I've been maintaining virtually no contact with the stbx this week, except for a couple of texts about our D8.
Last night out of the blue, I was driving home from the gym and my stbx texted me asking me if I called my mother for her birthday. I am notoriously bad about forgetting dates. I politely thanked her for the reminder. She then asked what I was doing and told me they were just hanging out.
I replied and told her I was driving and had been thinking of asking if I could pick up D8 for an ice cream but that it was already kind of late and I decided not to.
She replied that it was still early enough to bring her one and that I could hang out for a few minutes to be with D8, so I quickly accepted.
I picked up a couple of ice creams and headed over. She did not tell D8 that I was coming so that it would be a surprise. D8 was very glad to see me and we had very enjoyable visit. The stbx sat and talked to me as well as if nothing had happened last week. I remained happy, cheerful, and tried to only talk about stuff pertaining to D8. I was glad and surprised to see the D8 interact with me so much based on what stbx told me this past Sunday.
As I got up to leave and walked to the door, the stbx gave me a playful smack on my rear. Then while at the door she talked to me for another 3-5 minutes. When I finally opened the door to leave, I ended up giving her a quick hug because I could tell she wanted one.
As I drove home, I had mixed feelings. I was elated that I got to see my D8 since I haven't seen her in five days. I was mad at myself for being so quick to accept the invite to go over and wondered if I should have made up an excuse that I was busy.
It seemed like my stbx was genuinely glad to see me. But I know five days isn't enough for things to turn around.
Was she bored? Was she lonely? Or was she subconsciously testing me to see how available I was and to reel me back in?
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
First of all, don't second guess your decision to go over to W's apartment when she texted. You were given the opportunity see your D, so jump on those opportunities every chance you get. I think that was a super-good decision. I'm glad, also, that you got to see that your D is doing just fine and not fixated on the fact that you called her mother a B. I'm telling you, IMO your daughter had moved on from that by the time you got to dinner with friends.
As for your W...was she bored, lonely, testing you, etc....honestly, it could be all of those things. Her actions/words make her a tough read right now, and truth be told, she probably doesn't even know what she wants. This is why it's so important for you to remain a total rock. Keep up the GAL and working on maintaining a PMA as well as detaching (the toughest one of all).
Keep your W at an arm's length, and let her come around (as I know she will) in her time. Take things one day at a time as long as you are willing to.
Are the divorce proceedings on hold, or have the two of you been in contact with your lawyers and moving the process along again? Just curious....
Take care, keep up the good work, and keep seeing your daughter every chance you get. That is one thing you will NEVER regret.
NTX, I agree with lc4. This was about your D, not about your W. You are being a good Dad by stopping by. That can actually be attractive to your W. Never turn down a chance to see your D. Especially because you don't get to see her every day now.
lc4 and jb - thanks for the input and encouragement!!
I came to the same conclusion yesterday during my IC. When I told him the story, he immediately said that my W was probably lying on Sunday and that my D had moved on from the incident. He also said I handled the confrontation very well when I had my D sit on my lap and I explained to her that I was wrong for the name calling, that I apologized to the W, and that D should never accept that type of name calling from anyone.
Regarding the case, the ball is in my court to inventory all of the financials and possessions. It's a very long and tedious process and I hate doing it. It also feels humiliating putting everything down on paper for two sharks to fight over. I should be motivated to hurry it up so that I can finalize the case and stop the spousal support, but for some reason I am slow at doing it. I'll probably work on it a bunch this weekend.
Yesterday was the first day where there was ZERO contact with the W. Even on days like this past weekend where we didn't see each other, there would at least be a text or two. But yesterday there was nothing.
This afternoon I get to pick my D up from school and keep her over night. I cannot wait to see her. This is the longest I have gone without having her "home".
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Tomorrow is supposed to be our 15th wedding anniversary, but we are in the middle of a divorce.
My wife has been unhappy for about 6-8 months and she admits she doesn't even know why, but in any case she filed for divorce a couple of months ago.
We get along still most of the time - probably too good. We just had a great weekend and went out together this past Saturday. However, there have been a couple of incidents where she became pretty ugly with rage to the point I wasn't even sure if it was my wife in the room. Her personality changed so drastically and quickly during the two fights.
Anyway, I am wondering if I should acknowlege our anniversary tomorrow in some small way. Obviously I shouldn't get her a gift or take her out, but I was wondering if I should write a her a note, or put a card on her car while she works, or maybe just a quick little text message.
Or should I just ignore her all together?
Over the summer while we tried to reconcile, I became the pursuer and she the distancer, so I want to break that cycle.
I'd appreciate any thoughts.
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
