Ok, so we went to MC and it was MUCH more productive than last time. H had told me that he didn't like MC much because all we did was argue. I told him part of the reason that's the case is I'm burning the wick at both ends and I just let it all go in there. I told him once I was a litle less pulled in all directions I could probably make those sessions do what they're supposed to do.
So it was better. And the T agreed that it would be best for me to get my own place for now. H and I set a goal to have me move back in by spring break, so we've got over 5 months. The lease is for a year, so obviously it can be longer, but we think that's a reasonable goal to shoot for. And I told him it's not about us being "perfect" because it's unobtainable and unrealistic, but to know what each of our levels of tolerability were.
So when we came home Monday night, I went online and filled out the application and put down the deposit. I can move in on the 15th.
H is being pretty weird about it. I feel like this is a step forward, although I could see some interpreting it differently. I mean, yes, I'm getting my own place, with a contract, but I'm no more moved out of our home living in my own apt than I am living with my dad. But I think H didn't anticipate the option of wanting things to work out, but me not moving home.
All about those expectations, right, Ken?
H told me he didn't want to help me move. Wanted to pay movers to do it for me. And then he started saying weird stuff about plans for the holidays (like splitting D's time between the two of us, which we have never discussed). I questioned him on it a little, but he was getting flustered, so I dropped it.
I just have to remember that when he gets emotionally panicked, nothing but verbal diarrhea comes out of his mouth. It's messy and awful.
I made sure to make him aware that I'm not doing this to punish him, and reiterated that I'm doing this so I can have the time, energy, and focus to put on our M. That I'm doing this for D and so I can be in a healthy place to make healthy decisions. He said he knew and didn't feel punished or anything by it.
He called me last night after his softball game just to say hi. He's now being all weird about making future plans (like, in the next few weeks future plans). Whatever. He needs some time to process. So I'm going to continue to make plans on my own and he can check in when he gets his head straight.
We were invited to a football party on the 8th. I went ahead and set up a babysitter for D for that day. If H chooses to go, cool. If not, I'll still go without him.
T did recommend us doing more "date like" things. We saw Moneyball by ourselves this weekend (great, btw). We'll see if he asks me to do anything else. He said he might want to go to the state fair, but then said he'd like to do it with a group of people. Who knows.
He did order D's Halloween costume today. She's going to be a peacock. Google "baby peacock costume". I'm stoked.
