The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Hi KML,

I just don't have an answer to your question! I'd like to say yes....I'd boot him out......

But then I think about our lives together, our children, friends, all that we have shared and then I think well maybe if I could just understand it or know why.........why am I not good enough?

Honestly, all of this just replays over and over and over in my head. All day long. All night long. I feel like I have been walking on eggshells for 3 years. Really hard. Early in our marriage I always felt like I could ask him anything. Now I know if I even bring up this topic, it will pretty much be another showdown (not a screaming yelling kind, but a more non-communicative, shutdown, silent treatment, sleeping on the couch kind of showdown).

Trying to balance it all. I read and read. Am reading The Purpose Driven life and also Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" right now. Mostly read in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

So, back to your question, I think I already have proof and lots of it. I just haven't "caught them together" or he hasn't admitted to anything.

Saturday I have a fun morning planned with friends. H will do a "bike ride". Maybe he will ride or maybe he will be with OW. Or maybe they go together. I just don't know. He has just registered for a race that happens in October. He also talked about a race that is up in Solvang and invited me to come up with him.

I wonder how he feels about keeping the truth from me? I really wonder if he feels guilty AT ALL. Honestly he can be such a nice person...he stopped to give an elderly man a lift the other day when his car broke down. He is always doing that kind of stuff.

I feel like without solid answers from him then I'm in this purgatory of "is he?" or "is he still?" or "is it over?" or what is his master plan? How does OW fit in? How do I fit in? Can this be how my life will go on for years to come?

I want to save my marriage but.......how much can a person take? I will pick up my newly repaired rings today. I mentioned it to H and he changed the subject. Again. Should I wear them or should I not? What would you do?

I was just offered a full-time job at the company that I have been consulting with. Full time with benefits.

[kml]

I feel like without solid answers from him then I'm in this purgatory of "is he?" or "is he still?" or "is it over?" or what is his master plan?

I guess this is why I bring it up - perhaps it would be useful to you at this point to KNOW if he is STILL having the affair? If you knew TODAY that it was definitely still in full bloom, how would you handle it?

Is your 17 year old still at home? Could H just be waiting out the senior year of high school? (Not a bad aim, I might add).

The advantages of waiting out the affair - taking the opportunity to show your H how much you can change, how nice it could be at home, using the time to get your financial ducks in a row - all these can be important and useful. BUT - you've been doing those things for quite some long time now. If you don't like the results you are getting, it may be time to change up the game plan. If you are willing to take the risk, that might include confronting him with INCONTROVERTIBLE proof of the ONGOING affair, and kicking him out.

That might motivate him to stop the affair, if it has been waning anyway. Or it might just force him to choose, which might mean choosing her initially - which might eventually cause the fun and excitement of sneaking around to wear off while he gets jealous about you going out with new guys.

But I think first, it might benefit your own piece of mind to get a little more CURRENT CONCRETE evidence of what is or isn't going on - maybe even hire a P.I. to take pictures.

Oh - and if someone is offering you a full time job with benefits, in this economy? Take it. You'll feel much less vulnerable if you do.

[abbey1989]

Hi KML,

You are just so great! Really!!!! Thank you so much!! Nope....both kids are away at college as of late August so it is just us. D17 turns 18 in November. We are total empty nesters.

I'm going on my annual girls trip for 3 nights in early November. We are headed about 3-4 hrs away. This will be the first time the kids haven't lived at home so he will be free as a bird for the entire weekend. Not even looking forward to the trip this year even though we sure do have fun. Silly girl talk, cooking, wine, hiking, shopping, crying, etc...the only one I have confided in is my friend that was just recently divorced (she'll be on the trip). I haven't brought it up since but I wish I hadn't said anything because who knows who she has told?

Honestly KML, I have the resources and money to hire a PI, I am just terrified. I don't know if I'll be able to keep it together if I see for my own eyes. I'm really scared about that.
Feeling in a pretty fragile state. Hanging with my friends really does help though. They are all such strong women....I think about my one friend who is a cancer survivor and now runs marathons....and my other friends who run their own businesses...or are corporate executives...or environmentalists. We are all so like minded it is scary. I don't know what I would do without my friends!!!

I plan to accept the job offer if we can come to terms on salary. They offered a bit less than what I make as a consultant but I know that it is the right thing to do. I am still managing the office at our own business. One of the nights that I was up late and couldn't sleep H asked why....and I said I was just worried about work and the business....and the next day he said that he would start doing all of the office work and that he didn't want me to worry. I told him NO...I like doing it and will still do it. We dropped it at that point. I think it makes sense that I know what is going on financially so...for now....I'm still fulling involved.

KML...I just really really want to thank you. I may just do the PI thing and meet with the lawyer to do some information gathering.....I'm not sure when I will feel ready to just do it! Definitely thinking about it though. Just scared.

[abbey1989]

I picked up my rings today and put them on. They haven't looked this good since the day we were married. So sparkly.
So as of middle of this week, my H has no official money making projects. Received final inspection on the last project that we had in the works. Of course........not talking about the house that he is consulting on and helping to build for free (OWs groovy 1700 ft mountain view home). This he does for free.

SO....all of the time that I KNOW goes into managing a custom home project and he is doing this for free (or maybe there are non-monetary benefits). It just *isses me off. So now he is hustling to get some more jobs while giving up his valuable time to that skanky college administrator *lut.

Sorry....I'm just upset. We have two kids away in college. We have to pay for all of this! And he is giving away his time.

[kml]

hmmmm...too bad you can't sue OW for ...something. grrrrrr

[kml]

Lol - too bad you can't go to OW's construction site and do something sneaky that would result in major problems a year or two down the road. (I'm bad, I know)

[sandycay]

How about you send her a consulting invoice?

[abbey1989]

I know! Believe me......I have thought about how I could upset her apple cart.....Trying to take the high road but it is hard. I SO want to call her up or send her a note to back off. She makes my stomach sick.

But...revenge is not a very attractive quality is it?

Fun to think about though!

[abbey1989]

Now that is something I haven't thought of! I like the way you think!! Hmmm mm will have to ponder that. Wouldn't they both be surprised!

H is clueless that I know he is helping her with house. kind of pathetic really. Anyone with basic Internet skills can find out what I know. seriously.

I am getting to the point where I don't believe ANYTHING he says. Pretty sucky huh?

[abbey1989]

I had this crazy dream last night.....

DREAM:
I confronted OW and she admitted everything (and then I thought she was kind of cool...in my dream). Then I confronted H (in the dream) and he said he was going to sleep in the car.

I woke up and thought that it was SO FUNNY. He SHOULD sleep in the car! he he.

After months and months and months of no emotional connection (emotional intimacy), it's wearing on me. Gonna seek out meds.