The Lies and Deception Killing Me

[abbey1989]

Hi KML,

I just don't have an answer to your question! I'd like to say yes....I'd boot him out......

But then I think about our lives together, our children, friends, all that we have shared and then I think well maybe if I could just understand it or know why.........why am I not good enough?

Honestly, all of this just replays over and over and over in my head. All day long. All night long. I feel like I have been walking on eggshells for 3 years. Really hard. Early in our marriage I always felt like I could ask him anything. Now I know if I even bring up this topic, it will pretty much be another showdown (not a screaming yelling kind, but a more non-communicative, shutdown, silent treatment, sleeping on the couch kind of showdown).

Trying to balance it all. I read and read. Am reading The Purpose Driven life and also Eckhart Tolle's "New Earth" right now. Mostly read in the middle of the night when I can't sleep.

So, back to your question, I think I already have proof and lots of it. I just haven't "caught them together" or he hasn't admitted to anything.

Saturday I have a fun morning planned with friends. H will do a "bike ride". Maybe he will ride or maybe he will be with OW. Or maybe they go together. I just don't know. He has just registered for a race that happens in October. He also talked about a race that is up in Solvang and invited me to come up with him.

I wonder how he feels about keeping the truth from me? I really wonder if he feels guilty AT ALL. Honestly he can be such a nice person...he stopped to give an elderly man a lift the other day when his car broke down. He is always doing that kind of stuff.

I feel like without solid answers from him then I'm in this purgatory of "is he?" or "is he still?" or "is it over?" or what is his master plan? How does OW fit in? How do I fit in? Can this be how my life will go on for years to come?

I want to save my marriage but.......how much can a person take? I will pick up my newly repaired rings today. I mentioned it to H and he changed the subject. Again. Should I wear them or should I not? What would you do?

I was just offered a full-time job at the company that I have been consulting with. Full time with benefits.