OK - well I didn't tell you the whole story. She also said that she doesn't want to have these feelings for OM (but she can't control them) and she would give ANYTHING to not have them anymore as it would be infinitely easier for her.
She looked me in the eye and promised that as long as we are under this roof she is not going to act on it again and will not go to any more mixers until we sell and split up (i didn't ask her, she volunteered it). Do you think she's lying? I told her it would destroy our friendship and make a very tough co-parenting situation for the next 20 years if she breaks her promise and that I would rather she leave now or we just dump the house and get separate places than to have her hide her affair. She keeps saying "it's not an affair".
Another issue I need to address and it may be counterproductive. I feel I should write her a letter to address it. She told me that that one of her issues is she feels I am a shallow person, my relationships are surface and essentially that I lack depth or the ability to nurture a relationship.
This is so unbelievably false. Before we met, I had very deep and meaningful friendships with a number of people. We had an incredibly deep and warm relationship, even though she can’t remember it. I have obviously shut myself off from her n recent years – but frankly, I am a soulful and deeply romantic person, an idealist and a musician.
I consciously chose many years ago to only allow a certain number of people to get close to me as I would rather have a small group of close friends that I know I can trust and who are good, honest people then hundreds of acquaintance relationships.
Starting in 2003 (maybe even a little before then), we both stopped seeing our friends – hers and mine. I stopped nurturing my relationships and frankly I did it because I believed we should do things as a couple and she didn’t really want to do much of anything. In hindsight, I should have been living for myself but I just wasn’t.
While I have deep regrets and frankly don’t like the person I have become and I hate what I have done to you, I also know who I am deep inside and who I was before - and a lack of depth or heart is NOT one of my flaws – quite the opposite, my passion, depth and loyalty to those I’ve let in and are probably some of my biggest strengths.
If I wrote her something like that is it damaging? I just feel I cannot allow her to fundamentally redefine my core personality as she is using that to rationalize why she no longer loves me.
