Since I've inundated you with lots of questions, I'm going to do my best not ask more for the time being.
Aeo, I like the questions posed. I mean I knew I was fearful, but being able to answer that questions specifically.. brought specifics to the foreground. So thank you.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
What does it look like for you to know that you will be alright?
I think the day that I can get up and w doesn't consume me. That I'm not dealing with all this pain, constantly battling my CoDe issues with her as well as the wounds caused by the EA.
Waking up not sick, sleeping more than 5 hours
Loving myself.. truly loving myself.
Enjoying my life w/o the sting that w is not there. Enjoying my life w/o the sting that my w did alot to make me feel worthless.
Getting a text, email, or whatever from w and not feel like my heart is going to explode out of my chest.
Getting a nice text, email, or whatever and not tricking myself into believing that she cares more than she does.
Accepting that w is a sick woman who has many issues, and that does not reflect on me.
That I will not be sucked into this toxic cycle that her and I have created.
That I will FINALLY believe that this beautiful, loving, woman that I see in w is NOT HER. It never was. She could have moments of that, but she's broken. It doesn't mean that she can't be fixed.. only that she isn't now.
Originally Posted By: aeolianchaos
Does believing you will be alright in any way scare you?
Absolutely it does.. because the only way I can achieve any of above is to "Let Go" and I just struggle with that SOOO badly.
I feel that if I let her go, she will never return. I feel that if I let her go, she will think I never loved her. I feel that if I let her go, I am being selfish. I feel that if I let her go, I am doing what she did to me.
Letting go is something abused people struggle with. It is something that CoDe struggle with this. I know this. It's not like I can't see how healthy this would be for me. It's not like I can't see that she is already gone. But thus far.. it has all been by her doing.
This would be my CHOICE. It would be retraining my thoughts. It would take away her importance in my life.. well actually it would just emphasize my importance in my life.
There is just this little voice in the back of my head. "If you let go.. be prepared to lose her for good."
That's why DBing is soo hard for me. Nothing I do brings w closer to me. My 180's help in life, but not in r.
And the answer to that little voice in the back of my head should be "but I've already lost her."
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
