First, I must ask, if the two of you were in sex therapy and that did not result in a resumption of sex, what parting advice or comments did the sex therapist have for you? I find it surprising that the sex therapy didn't result in a resumption of sex, unless the therapy was so uncomfortable that the two of you just stopped it.
It took a lot of convincing to get her into therapy. Things seemed to be making progress, but it was getting increasingly stressful for her and she finally called it off just as it was getting to sexual issues. There was no way I or the therapist could convince her to continue. She was done, and that was that, as she put it. She was greatly relieved that the therapy had ended and was much more cheerful for a while. I think it gave her a better view of where things are, and it did improve our dynamics. But it didn't go all the way to what such therapy would consider a "success".
The parting comment to me was that, to be honest my prospects for solving the problem as I want it did not look promising. Of all the couples they had treated, we would be in the small minority to be able to solve the problem given our overall issues. Well, I was more hopeful than that, but so far they've proven right.
And that wasn't the first therapist she had "fired" either. So, yeah, she's a tough nut to crack.
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I would also comment that if you wife assumes that you may have had affairs, but doesn't want the details, that could be a major issue in this day and age!
Sure, but she knows how high my drive is, so like you on the forum, who would believe that I've done nothing even if I said otherwise.
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Let me be specific. If I thought that my wife had had an affair, I would not have unprotected sex with her until a few months after we had both been tested for STD's.
If you had shut your wife off for 15 years, and she had a high sex drive, I think you would assume she was lying if she said she hadn't done anything. So the point is kind of moot it's so out of kilter.
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If you ever have had an affair, even if you practices safe sex, you probably should get yourself tested
Hope I don't get too cute here, but you can't get STD's from an emotional affair. And there's a lot of fooling around, dry humping, hands-on-other person only, etc., where chances of STD's are virtually zero, yet both people get off. Just questioning your assumption here.
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, just to make sure you have no STD's. Have you ever asked your wife what fears she has if the two of you ever became sexually active again?
I keep having to convey the reality of her comfort around this. No, because talking about that already assumes a certain amount of "reality" to us ever having sex again. It's like asking, if we were to have sex again, what positions would you like to try? It's kind of "hey, buddy, I think you're getting way ahead of yourself."
Sure I get the ideas about touching and human need. She's all for polite touching and hugs, just not the sex, thank you. Her response on this idea would basically be, you don't have to have sex to get all the benefits of touching. How would you argue with that?
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When I was in an SSM and we were at a motel on a business trip of mine and a mini-vacation for her, I gave her a foot massage and after it was over she bolted to the bathroom and took a long shower with the door locked. Later in therapy, I learned that she had become aroused to the point of wanting to have sex with me, but was still too angry to allow herself to do that and so she literally had to run for cover and lock herself in another room away from me until the feelings left her.
I'd be ecstatic if my wife reacted that way, even if I got no sex out of it. That would be a huge improvement in responsiveness on her part.
