What's slowly becoming apparent is that going full-dark is what's working best for me. Since laying off the communication with her, I have felt so much better about myself and have been able to detach from my emotions about her. This incident last night only reinforced in my mind that distance is what I need, not just what I want. I'm not here to satisfy her needs anymore. She left me, after all. What does she expect?
I have puzzled over what her "still cares about me" comment means. Clearly, her entire conversation last night translated to this: "I still need you in my life, and I'm upset that you're trying to cut me out." What does she need me for, exactly? A good friend? Emotional support? Is she just power-hungry and doesn't like that I'm not giving her what she wants? Unfortunately, only the inner folds of her mind have the answer to that one.
I'm going to go to my bank tomorrow and ask some questions about that auto loan. I don't think that she can do anything about it -- you can't just "drop" an auto loan. I'm also going to see if I'm able to bump her off and somehow co-sign with my dad. I'd rather have as little to be connected to her at this point as possible. When she has been upset in the past, she has also threatened to tell my family some damaging things that I have confided with her about them (which I won't go into here -- private stuff). I don't really think that she would ever do this, but these days, it's hard to know what she will or won't do.
Finah:
I think darkness is the best thing for me, too. If only to get away from her steaming towers of nonsense and hurt. Honestly, I'm literally appalled at how selfish and deluded she's being. Any rational person would understand the position I'm in and how much all of this hurts. However, I've learned all too quickly that I'm no longer dealing with a person who dwells in reality.
I was thinking about the reality of her words about OM, too. Are they real, or has she settled back into "the fog"? Is she just trying to throw out lies to make me "give up" on my darkness? If OM was really everything she needed, then why make all the fuss about keeping me in her life? It's hard not to take her seriously at this point. I know that people on the board often say, "Believe none of what you hear," but...what if it's true? Is she really planning on marrying this guy? It would absolutely break my heart if she is. She's acting like a rampaging wench right now, but blast it, I'm still crazy about her.
I also laughed at the "rabbit status" comment. How much is there to be known about him? He's getting fed and I'm letting him run around for an hour a night. Not that much to update. Honestly, if she wants the rabbit so badly, she can take him. (Then again, I don't think that comment really concerned him all that much. Probably had more to do with me and her.)
I'm thinking very hard about writing a last resort letter/e-mail. I don't really want to talk to her given how nasty she can be, and I've always been better at organizing my thoughts on paper, anyway. She kept trying to maintain last night that I was going dark because I was "angry" and "depressed," as though it was some kind of revenge thing. She just does not get that this distance is to protect my feelings. Nor does she believe that I'm entitled to it.
