I’ve been feeling restless, overworked, and NEEDING a vacation. As I expected (but had hoped otherwise) CJ’s promise to plan a trip for our Feb break has come to naught. It’s just the same old disappointments all over again. ...promises that fall through.
I’m also frustrated by CJ’s activities around the house. It seems I’m doing the lion’s share of the cleaning, cooking, etc. and he hasn’t had his computer for over a week. (A stress to be sure, but COME ON!!).
Weirdness:
Having dinner the other night, over a bottle of wine CJ proposes a toast to us…to “continued bliss”…Huh? Is he living in a different marriage than I am???
More Weirdness:
H (my best pal) called on Friday, we heard her message asking me to go shopping with her on Sat. I was too tired to pick up but she called back later when CJ was out picking up some Chinese food.
He asked if we were going shopping, I said “No, H wants to drive up to N” (her home town about an hours drive north of us).
I found my cell phone had run low so plugged it in to charge, I checked the weather station for road conditions.
Somehow, these weren’t enough clues that I was going along for the trip. Finally he asked if I was going and I said yes, I’d planned on it.
CJ was frosty for the rest of the night, frosty in the morning. H came to get me, just as I’m leaving CJ is moping. I asked him why he didn’t wish us a good time…he said I should have “discussed” this day trip with him first.
I’m torn about this. Yes, I COULD have been more upfront and just SAID “I am going with her, is that okay?”
But that felt like asking permission. Do I really need to do that to spend a day with my friend? Did he ask my permission or “discuss” his numerous “business trips” to see the OW???
And if we don’t want to go back quite that far…this summer he went golfing with D (H’s H)…came home 4 hours later than he’d estimated, tipsy. I just asked him if he had fun. (sincerely).
I tried to make amends when H left. Said I didn’t intend to just make plans and exclude him and that I should have been more upfront…but he was still chilly. I invited him to join me in bed in the morning to escape the sunlight…nope. Nothing, more chilliness.
I am SICK of this. I am sick of this house with it’s never-ending upkeep. I am SICK of our basement which now has MORE garbage and beer cases than ever. I am SICK of working my ass off with no break. I am SICK of having a husband who isn’t attracted to me and doesn’t seem to care.
I keep thinking back to last Valentine’s day…how I went out and bought sexy outfits for us both, gifts and a card for CJ. How he made dinner, we danced, drank wine, had fun (but no sex that night either). How I went the extra mile last year when I was still on shaky ground. (No gifts from him).
How 11 days later I got the FINAL call from OW revealing that the A was STILL ongoing.
I have not even bought a card for CJ this year. I don’t have the motivation. He is not my lover…I don’t think Hallmark covers our situation. Do I expect anything from him? No. Especially not now with this latest “issue”.
I just want that day to go away. Maybe I’ll just go away.
Sorry for the rant, folks, but I just had to get it out.
...promises that fall through.
